that dirty little secret

[Laurenamanda]

My biggest secret and the moment in my life I regret but rejoice is my abortion.

In 2012 I became pregnant. I later found out on halloween, a crazy fun drunk night with my then fuck buddy/best friend. I was in huge denial when my period never came, "oh its just finals stress" "Im graduating and stressed" I ignored it and forgot. Then in late nov early dec I started having morning sickness, and gained weight. I thought "im over working myself" "this is what i get for eating junk during finals."

Finally I broke down and told my friend i might be pregnant. She picked me up with my other friend and i stayed with them and in the morning they bought me a pregnancy test which came out positive. My heard and stomach fell out of my ass. How could i let this happen to me? how could i do this to my best friend? what am i going to do? ive fucked myself. fuck fuck fuck fuck.

My friends being very religious said this is a happy accident! That i should be grateful i can get pregnant! I can have a beautiful baby! or give someone a beautiful baby! They made it seem so exciting and adorable i pushed abortion in the fuck no pile of options.

Later that night i told my best friend and had a second pregnancy test just to be sure. I cried he cried then he called his mom. that woman. i love her. i was so afraid she would hate me or blame me. i had yet to meet her since we live 6 hours away from her. i hoped to someday since there was a possibility we would start dating some day. But instead she was supportive. She said what ever option we pick is what is best for us and shes behind us all the way. She was worried but supportive.

We went to a pregnancy place that my friends suggested it was a christian pregnancy place. I am not religious. So saying that gods miracle was growing inside me did not make think the little sack of body parts of a mini alien in me a miracle. after they confirmed the pregnancy and gave us some parenting and adoption pamphlets and sent us on our way. I cried the whole way to chick fil a(i know my story is filled with religious anti abortion people who have never been in this situation) but we started talking about our "options" i honestly started getting excited at having an open adoption, my best friend was kind of excited to teach his child chess.

I went home to my parents with the two options in my head, planning on telling my mom. scared fucking shitless. I had a plan i was going to tell her after going to the gym show her the pee stick everything. Then I got sick after the gym. I pucked my guts out and she came into the bathroom jokingly saying "what are you pregnant?" I broke. I cried like a child, i nodded and she denied it. she said this cant be happening this isnt real and when i kept crying she hugged me and then yelled what the hell?

i told her my plans and she said "you havent thought about this have you? none of your family knows about *** being black, no one knows that your even together. Your dads going to kill you. your grandparents are going to disown you. What about school? How the hell do you expect to get a job when you 6 months pregnant and tell them oh dont worry about it im giving it up for adoption, but ill still need some maternity leave 3 months after you higher me." And then she told me something I never knew. she had an abortion when she was my age. Right after she met my dad her ass hole ex came back to town for a few days. they hooked up and she got pregnant. She had no clue if it was my dads or his. She told my dad, and her and her friend when to an abortion clinic. She had to drop out of school for a semester and use her tuition money to get the abortion. She told me it was the best decision she made. She probably wouldnt have me or my brother, she wouldnt have the happy life she has now, and she might not even be with my dad. She said yes she feels guilty occasionally but then she sees me or my brother and knew she made the right choice.

there i was with another option in front of me. I made my decision in a Burger king parking lot texting my best friends. I told my mom and she said i was brave to make this decision even though i was feeling like a coward. a stupid 21 year old bitch coward.

Jump forward to jan I made an appointment at planned parenthood. My now new boyfriend and I were sitting together in a councilors office I refused to see any sonograms, but in that office i saw the picture by accident, a bulbsy headed thing. but looking at it i felt no attachment. I felt horrible this thing was going to die soon but i didnt feel a motherly need to protect. and that some how made it easier.

I still feel horrible for my decision. i was so happy to possibly be a mom and possibly help someone else be a mom but i was in no mental or physical way ready. i was a barista at starbucks. my boyfriend had an internship at a design company. he lived with 5 dudes i lived with 3 dudes. neither of us could afford an apartment let alone a carseat.

The most ironic thing of my entire story i believe, I work for an infant and toddler product company. Im around baby stuff every day. I design baby stuff everyday. I love my job and feel no guilt but i do feel that this is karma's way of making me pay in a way by making items for others peoples babies to soothe them and make the parents lives easier. I am also on Nexplanon a much more stable and reliable birth control, and i got an amazing boyfriend out of this. This baby we gave up drove us both to grow up more. My boyfriend got the confidence to ask for a full time position at his company, i worked harder at school and had some courage to apply to my company. I also moved out of my shitty place and now am a cat mom and a bunny mom. My boyfriend and i have been best friends for 3 years and have been dating for a year and almost a half. One day ill have a baby on my terms like my mom and ill thank the baby i gave up for making me realize i do want to be a mom someday and to grow up. stop drinking so much and focus on shit. I still feel like a guilty piece of shit sometimes but im working on it with my therapist to get past the dark days to understand it was the right thing for me to do.

lauren

[weary]

Thank you for sharing that, lauren.

It sounds like it was really hard for you but you also made what sounds like was a very wise decision for you at that time in your life and it seems like you have learned a lot of things about yourself through that process and dealing with your feelings about it. Though you talk about having to "grow up" it sounds like you actually have a pretty mature and responsible outlook on life already. I admire and respect your willingness to talk about this.

[Laurenamanda]

Thanks Weary!

I used to think people who choose to have an abortion were immature cowards but having gone through it I now I know its a definite adult brave decision. I couldnt imagine being a teen going through this decision. Thank you for your support its definitely nice to know that someone else out there thinks I made a good decision and wasnt irresponsible.

[brave-girl-living]

I admire your openness and honesty. You did a great job sharing and explaining all the mixed feelings and emotions. I hope being open about it continues to help you find even more peace and acceptance within yourself!

[Melancholia Frump]

I feel that not bringing an unwanted person into the world is far more responsible than the alternative. Having a baby you don't want to please people who should keep their mouth's shut is a much worse choice. I am a strong believer that if men were the one's stuck getting pregnant, abortion wouldn't even be an issue. People raving anti-abortion sentiments would be looked upon as kooks, because God knows we'd never deny a man the right to do whatever he wanted with his body. On the other hand, I was very anti-abortion when I became aware of it, until I started speculating about what that really meant. It has more to do with keeping women in line than it does any concern about a "precious life". Ask an anti-abortion protestor how they feel about the death penalty, assisted suicide, hunting, and the meat industry. Bet they're all for most of those. Except the compassionate one, of course.

[Laurenamanda]

Thank you so much for your support Brave-Girl-Living! it really has helped and is definitely something i work on in therapy. I have been thinking about joining a support group also I just have to get the courage! haha

Melancholia I was also a big anti abortion person before all this. I thought if you were stupid enough to let yourself get pregnant you should take responsibility and give the child up for adoption. I still feel a little guilty when I hear about people who are trying to adopt but it just was not for me. I do feel that if men had to have babies this situation wouldn't be a big problem. Its tough but some people are just ignorant and cant look past their own problems and also can't see that other people have difficulties in life and trouble may have led them to these kinds of situations. Anywho thank you so much for your thoughts and support =3

[Cornflake Girl]

Thank you for sharing your story, Laurenamanda. I think that though making that choice is always difficult, it sounds like you made the best decision for you. I have had 2 abortions. One in high school (on b/c pills) and one when my twins were 3 (on b/c pills, darn things, lol). Both decisions were heart-wrenching. Both times I was in long-term relationships. Sometimes I wonder who they would have been but mostly I look at the children that I had and thank my lucky stars that I chose as I did. Peace be to you.

[Just Anne]

Thanks for sharing. know that you are not alone and that it is never a simple decision as the anti-choice community makes it out to be. I had one too when I was older than you and was using a BC method that failed. I never told the father. I sometimes feel guilty but over time it has lessened. at the time I felt horrible and I went through it alone. I told one person at the time. I know I will never tell my mom. I think she still is too catholic to understand why I made the decision I did.

[Andrew]

I was on the male end of this decision once, as a teenager. I know the decision was right even if I felt like a coward for making it. People don't get it unless they've been through it. The lasting damage isn't physical. It is the, "What-if?" To this day it bothers me and it has been ten years, but at least now it doesn't hurt. It just makes me a bit sad.

[TinaMarie1234]

I know of so many women who have been through what you and your mom went through. I have heard of those who regret it into later life, but I've never met one myself. So, perhaps it's either a small percentage or an urban myth? The ones I know are definitely grateful not to be intangled with the potential fathers any, let alone, many years later.