Never done this before

[bigeekgirl]

My father-in-law passed away on April 1st. He was recovering from surgery, by all indications would be home by now or in a rehab to get his strength back, so it what happened was sudden and unexpected.

I am grateful for so much in all this. We were able to be there at the hospital, I have been able to be off work to support my husband, his mother and his brother, that Dad was around long enough for me to have a relationship with him. He survived colon cancer by 17 years and I've been around 7 1/2 years. The surgery was a result of scare tissue formed in the original surgeries back then, they fixed some hernias as well which is something that inevitably happens to people with colostomies, plus he'd dealt with internal bleeding over the years from a bunch of scar tissue in his abdomen from radiation burns. Ultimately, we don't know exactly what happened inside his body. His heart stopped that night, he'd thrown up and aspirated, they got his heart moving again but it took 30 minutes. Later that night, he crashed again and they worked on him twice more before letting him go. Internal bleeding, acidic blood they couldn't balance.

I have long suspected Dad would be the first person I would lose up close and personal. I grew up away from extended family and moved around a lot as a kid and as a grown up, too. Where I live now is the longest I've lived anywhere in my 37 years of life. As almost a matter of coincidence, I have not ever had someone I was currently close with pass away. I have always been gone, out of touch, or wasn't ever really close in the first place. I went to one of my grandfather's services as a kid, but I barely knew him and knew he was an abusive alcoholic even when I was eight, plus it was not a regular funeral, went to pick up his ashes with my Gram, my parents and at least one aunt, plus a cousin near my age, and assorted family I mostly didn't know dumped them into the ocean (illegally) at a park before someone went to get sub sandwiches.

I am already missing the heck out of the sweet man who always introduced me as "his sweetheart." The outpouring of love at his services was incredible. The man had a gift for loving, gratitude for even the smallest consideration, and making people feel special and important. He told unfunny jokes and overshared about his body functions in an effort to apologize, he wasn't confident in himself but was so proud of his family. My heart breaks for my mother-in-law who is missing her mate of 55 years. Their communication style was bickering, but their love was deep and true.

I may come back and write some more later. Needed to say that I'm feeling like the work I've done on myself has paid off in that I am feeling my feelings. Terrible, difficult feelings. I can't say it feels good, but it feels right.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing, BGG. I am sorry for your loss. He sounds like a fine man.

This is beautifully written. I hope you'll continue to post during your grief journey.

In a bit of a more lighthearted way, may I share my favorite thing you wrote? I love the detail about getting submarine sandwiches. I mean that detail is perfection: it sums up the value (or lack thereof) of a life: that there is a cost to being abusive.

[bigeekgirl]

Thank you, oak.

Your instinct is 100% about the sandwiches. My mother reported some sort of snark about where to get them from one of her sister-in-laws when my mom expressed a preference. I no longer consider my mother a unreliable source of information, but there was certainly no family unity or community support. He had been living apart from my grandmother for a long time, coming around some and even having my two youngest aunts with someone else. He was living in a converted old school bus when he passed, wasn't found for a couple days. No one missed him. Mourning was for the life he didn't live, what he didn't do with his talents, the pain his children suffered. It was no celebration.

[brownblob]

Sorry to hear about your loss bigeekgirl

[bigeekgirl]

Thanks, brownblob.

[oak]

One friendly word of warning:

IME sometimes grief and anxiety are two sides of the same coin.

I say this not to scare or jinx you, but to let you know that grief sometimes manifests as anxiety.

[bigeekgirl]

oak, I appreciate you sharing your experience.

The last couple days have been heavy sadness and crying and tired sleeplessness. I feel some guilt for much of what's on my mind being events and situations I've felt grief over that have nothing to do with losing this particular person. I am worried about my past, present and future. The idea of eventually losing my husband is very troubling.

I imagine this is not uncommon and I will get passed it, but it sucks.

[oak]

You are normal*!

What I mean is that you are experiencing exactly what you should be.

And, if I may offer kindly: while grief is partly something to get past, it is also something to experience. Going down the rabbit hole, all the way. You'll make, with some scars.

You keep feeling. Experiencing. Post here as much as you like.

* My old sponsor said: "Normal is a setting on a washing machine."

[rivergirl]

I just saw your post today, bgg.

I'm so sorry for your loss. What you wrote about your father-in-law is beautiful, and you sound like a very loving person.

I've found that grief about a loss often brings up sadness about earlier losses and fears about going through more loss. I've been told by a therapist that's really common. Whatever feelings you have are okay.

Please take care of yourself.

rivergirl

[bigeekgirl]

Thanks, oak and rivergirl.

One of my recovery friends says that dryer thing, too. lol. I'm not sure there isn't somewhat of a norm in life, but I appreciate the sentiment.

I froze up today, pretty badly. Ended up holing up in bed while my husband had people over to record our podcast. Ugh. I'm stressed because I'm late filing taxes and had to file by mail, stressed with work, and just generally starting to feel overwhelmed. I feel awful for not having been up to it, but I just wasn't. One of the weird things in my journey to being more emotionally healthy is I can't just suck it up and compartmentalize as much as I could before. My husband is very supportive, as usual, which is comforting. I feel bad because he worries, but I really am doing my best.