Opeth
You are doing great!
I know that the dam breaking is scary and honestly you have confronted my biggest fear. I have all this stuff and pain that i have stuffed down and never dealt with. I have anger i never really let myself feel.
I am sure your ball of sobbing is just your inner child/pure self just FINALLY being validated and it is an overwhelming, terrifying, good, awful, thing to feel. Its why dissasociating is safe. Keep all this yucky stuff behind a wall.
The reason you are not a burden is because, you are an amazing living breathing human person spirit and you are worthy of feelings and the breath that you take. And as i was reminded lately when you reach out to someone else you give them the gift of offering help and let in the gift of their healing, which is what they want to do! It gives them happiness!
There is a japanese art form called wabi-sabi it means perfectly imperfect it examines flaws in objects and honors the imperfections in them. Raises them to the distinction of beautiful. Your soul, your spirit is wabi sabi, you are perfectly imperfect and it is beautiful.
My heart is with you as you travel in the darkness. I know how dark it gets.
I try my hardest to remember that light cannot exist withoit darkness and that conversely darkness cannot exist without light. You will have light times you will come to the other side.
You are working through the hardest parts now and it takes time. Try as much as you can to be gentle with yourself.
Your pain is palpable i can feel it through the forum but YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Hello
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Imissmysun
- Posts: 282
- Joined: June 29th, 2016, 5:44 am
- Gender: Female
- Issues: Anxiety, Depression, past trauma healing,
- preferred pronoun: she
- Location: Central New York
Re: Hello
Just another messed up chick, who hates her body and face, and voice, and thinks she is useless and her stuff isn't that bad and she should get over it.
-Sarah St. Lunatic
-Sarah St. Lunatic
Re: Hello
Opeth,
I'm really sorry you're in so much pain right now.
Going to counseling can feel overwhelming at times, including being vulnerable in front of someone else when you're not used to doing that. I just wanted to send you encouragement because you're doing some really brave things and fighting a hard battle, and I can see that in your posts.
I can't remember the exact words my therapist used when I brought up burdening her, but it was along the lines of I don't need to try to "take care of" her, because that is her job, to take care of herself while being a witness and having compassion for whatever her clients are going through and working through that with them as much as possible.
Your problems are real and they matter as much as anyone else's, and you deserve to be heard and cared about and loved.
rivergirl
I'm really sorry you're in so much pain right now.
Going to counseling can feel overwhelming at times, including being vulnerable in front of someone else when you're not used to doing that. I just wanted to send you encouragement because you're doing some really brave things and fighting a hard battle, and I can see that in your posts.
I can't remember the exact words my therapist used when I brought up burdening her, but it was along the lines of I don't need to try to "take care of" her, because that is her job, to take care of herself while being a witness and having compassion for whatever her clients are going through and working through that with them as much as possible.
Your problems are real and they matter as much as anyone else's, and you deserve to be heard and cared about and loved.
rivergirl
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Opeth
- Posts: 7
- Joined: April 6th, 2016, 12:38 pm
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Severe clinical depression, anxiety
- preferred pronoun: he
Re: Hello
Thanks for your kind words,
I don't know how people do it. Its been a really bad few weeks and nothing I seem to do makes it better, now I feel even more alone. My stupid brain just keeps bouncing around and just invalidating everything. Like for a few days I was thinking maybe I dont even have depression and Im just a big whimp even though Ive been diagnosed on several occasions and I looked up symptoms and I have all of them, even ones I didnt know were symptoms. Things got really bad for awhile to the point where I thought I was going to kill myself and I couldn't even call the crisis line or my counselor, I kept thinking I dont matter, Im not worth the resources, Im not worth anyones time, no one wants to hear me whine about my stupid problems. I was literally paralyzed and just couldnt do it, and I obviously didnt kill myself so in the end I wasnt worth calling anyone anyway. I've been punching and screaming at myself a lot and eating once a day to every two days. My last counseling appointment a few days ago left me very confused and lost. She said that she cared about the negative stuff and the things I get stuck with or something like that but said she didnt care, my memory and concentration has been absolute garbage so Im not sure exclt what the context or anything was there. Then there were these things in the readings/written work but Ive working on that she gave me which were supposed to counter my lifetraps/thinking filters and I told her about it and then she said to forget that kind of stuff and work on breathing exercises for mindfulness. Then we sort of bounced around all over the place in the session and said we were going to go back into some things but never did. Im not even sure what we talked about most of the time now because of my garbage memory and concentration. One of the exercises was to write letter to my parents/sister about how they invalidated and made me feel which made me feel a bit more validated for a few hours but that went away quickly. Now I just feel really lost and dont know what to do. I really think I am never going to get better. Ive been debating about going back on meds but they always numbed me out and thats something Im struggling with without meds. Ive been really detached from my thoughts, feelings, and body for a long time. Sorry I just felt like I needed to write this down and tell somebody. I just dont know what to do. I just keep wanting to kill myself but I cant because its not fair of me to put that on my family or someone who finds me and I remember that one quote from the podcast of "I'd never be the same again". I keep hoping that I'll have a heart attack or a stroke in my sleep so no one would feel blame and its just sort of be of natural causes. I just dont know what to do or wahts going on in my head or wahts real and whats not
I don't know how people do it. Its been a really bad few weeks and nothing I seem to do makes it better, now I feel even more alone. My stupid brain just keeps bouncing around and just invalidating everything. Like for a few days I was thinking maybe I dont even have depression and Im just a big whimp even though Ive been diagnosed on several occasions and I looked up symptoms and I have all of them, even ones I didnt know were symptoms. Things got really bad for awhile to the point where I thought I was going to kill myself and I couldn't even call the crisis line or my counselor, I kept thinking I dont matter, Im not worth the resources, Im not worth anyones time, no one wants to hear me whine about my stupid problems. I was literally paralyzed and just couldnt do it, and I obviously didnt kill myself so in the end I wasnt worth calling anyone anyway. I've been punching and screaming at myself a lot and eating once a day to every two days. My last counseling appointment a few days ago left me very confused and lost. She said that she cared about the negative stuff and the things I get stuck with or something like that but said she didnt care, my memory and concentration has been absolute garbage so Im not sure exclt what the context or anything was there. Then there were these things in the readings/written work but Ive working on that she gave me which were supposed to counter my lifetraps/thinking filters and I told her about it and then she said to forget that kind of stuff and work on breathing exercises for mindfulness. Then we sort of bounced around all over the place in the session and said we were going to go back into some things but never did. Im not even sure what we talked about most of the time now because of my garbage memory and concentration. One of the exercises was to write letter to my parents/sister about how they invalidated and made me feel which made me feel a bit more validated for a few hours but that went away quickly. Now I just feel really lost and dont know what to do. I really think I am never going to get better. Ive been debating about going back on meds but they always numbed me out and thats something Im struggling with without meds. Ive been really detached from my thoughts, feelings, and body for a long time. Sorry I just felt like I needed to write this down and tell somebody. I just dont know what to do. I just keep wanting to kill myself but I cant because its not fair of me to put that on my family or someone who finds me and I remember that one quote from the podcast of "I'd never be the same again". I keep hoping that I'll have a heart attack or a stroke in my sleep so no one would feel blame and its just sort of be of natural causes. I just dont know what to do or wahts going on in my head or wahts real and whats not
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manuel_moe_g
- Posts: 3273
- Joined: October 3rd, 2011, 9:04 am
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Depression, Anxiety
- preferred pronoun: he
- Location: Orange County, CA
- Contact:
Re: Hello
Hearing this made me feel a better for you. You deserve validation.Opeth wrote:One of the exercises was to write letter to my parents/sister about how they invalidated and made me feel which made me feel a bit more validated for a few hours but that went away quickly.
Keep talking and we will keep listening. That is what is real. Because you have real worthOpeth wrote:I just dont know what to do or wahts going on in my head or wahts real and whats not
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http://www.reddit.com/r/obsequious_thumbtack -- Obsequious Thumbtack Headdress
http://www.reddit.com/r/obsequious_thumbtack -- Obsequious Thumbtack Headdress
Re: Hello
Opeth
So sorry to hear you're not doing well. It's okay to ask for more help if you need it but I know how hard that is. It really is a medical illness we're dealing with though. We deserve help just as much as someone who has any other illness.
I don't know if medication is right for you, but if you do try it again remember that it doesn't have to be permanent.
Please take care
rivergirl
So sorry to hear you're not doing well. It's okay to ask for more help if you need it but I know how hard that is. It really is a medical illness we're dealing with though. We deserve help just as much as someone who has any other illness.
I don't know if medication is right for you, but if you do try it again remember that it doesn't have to be permanent.
Please take care
rivergirl
Re: Hello
Hey Opeth,
I hope this doesn't seem too much like I'm giving you advice. I just keep worrying about you saying that you're not eating. I've struggled with that this past year too. My therapist said it's important not to starve your brain when dealing with depression or anxiety. And if you're struggling just to eat this could be an important thing to share with your therapist or if there's anyone at all in your family that you can trust (I'm not sure if there is). If you could even get yourself to drink something that has some nutrition a few times a day that's better than nothing (liquid yogurt, milk, juice, a smoothie).
Also, I know it's a last resort but if things don't seem to be getting any better for you I wonder if your medical coverage might pay for something like an outpatient treatment program for depression (where you attend program during day then go home at night).
I'm so sorry you're not finding relief from your pain right now. Sending you hugs.
rivergirl
I hope this doesn't seem too much like I'm giving you advice. I just keep worrying about you saying that you're not eating. I've struggled with that this past year too. My therapist said it's important not to starve your brain when dealing with depression or anxiety. And if you're struggling just to eat this could be an important thing to share with your therapist or if there's anyone at all in your family that you can trust (I'm not sure if there is). If you could even get yourself to drink something that has some nutrition a few times a day that's better than nothing (liquid yogurt, milk, juice, a smoothie).
Also, I know it's a last resort but if things don't seem to be getting any better for you I wonder if your medical coverage might pay for something like an outpatient treatment program for depression (where you attend program during day then go home at night).
I'm so sorry you're not finding relief from your pain right now. Sending you hugs.
rivergirl
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Imissmysun
- Posts: 282
- Joined: June 29th, 2016, 5:44 am
- Gender: Female
- Issues: Anxiety, Depression, past trauma healing,
- preferred pronoun: she
- Location: Central New York
Re: Hello
Rivergirl has a lot of really great help Opeth - and I simply want to through in support and a huge HUG because this is a really hard road - but it is possible to walk down or crawl down or even slither on your belly down - each small bit of positive self care - hey I drank a smoothie today - I went outside and got the mail - I took a shower - I tend to just do a lot of humor it may be self depricating but a laugh is a laugh - and it helps -
I hope that even a little relief comes to you
I hope that even a little relief comes to you
Just another messed up chick, who hates her body and face, and voice, and thinks she is useless and her stuff isn't that bad and she should get over it.
-Sarah St. Lunatic
-Sarah St. Lunatic