Forum newbie. Podcast die-hard.

[PeoniesandPoppies]

Hello MIHH community,

First order of business: This podcast is life saving. I seriously mean that. I know we all know it, but it can always be said more. Paul, and every single interviewee- my goddamned heroes.

I've been a listener to the podcast since April of this year. It's changed my life. I know I don't need to tell you guys- you get it. The progress I've been able to make because of what I've learned as a listener- damn.

So I've been a listener for 5 months. Why am I just now posting? I'd been taking it all in. Listening, learning, preparing. I've been in therapy and support groups, but I was still mostly processing in isolation. I know what you're thinking, and you're right - that doesn't work! So, two months ago I became romantically involved with someone. I'll call him J. J has been through a lot of therapy. J is ACTUALLY supportive. I've never been ACTUALLY supported in my life. I didn't have support as a child. I had no idea what support looked like. I didn't even know that I NEEDED support- that it was the missing piece that kept the whole damn puzzle from making any sense to me. At the beginning, I had no idea how to handle it. I dug in, and stepped up to the challenge. It's been an intense 2 months. That support has opened up a space for me to live, breathe, and process.

That's the preface for what leads me to post today.

I've had this feeling that I can first identify feeling at 13- that I had suppressed something. Something that hurt, that I didn't know how to access. I re-listened to Paul's interview with Susan Hagen today. There have been a few episodes that have been triggering to me. I get emotional, and I don't know why. I found my "why" today. But I don't know what to do next.

I'm still not sure how to put this into words. I want to say "I think", because it's less concrete, and I'm not at a point of concrete acceptance. But I don't think, I'm pretty sure I know. I also don't "feel". I've been learning to get into my body, but as I've been trying to sort through my thoughts on this, my emotions and my body have progressively become seperate entities. I feel numb. I've been pretty sure for awhile that what I'd repressed was sexual trauma. But I had a very isolated childhood, and I couldn't identify a man at any point that fit. Because there wasn't one. Our brains do have an amazing way of protecting us from pain. I don't think I could have gotten to this until I was in a position where I was supported.

My mom sexually abused me.

I should write something else as a closing statement, but I can't right now. I'm also not going to proof-read what I wrote- forgive typos, or lack of clarity, if they exist. I needed to say that in a place where I could be heard. Thank you all for being witnesses for me- for providing a safe space for me to be vulnerable.

[brownblob]

hi peonies
I agree the podcast is great.
I'm so sorry that your mom abused you and I hope you can find a way to heal.