Here's all about me.

[neufena]

I've been around on this forum for a while but I joined a new group on Facebook and thought I'd post the introduction here as well. Sorry this is really long and likely very dull and full of grammar mistakes. Please don't feel obliged to read.
I'm 36 years old, male and live in north Manchester. I've been unhappy all my life. My earliest memories are stilling the corner at school crying. I have no intrinsic worth, am far from good looking but have learnt to cope in society by learning to read people, identify their likes and needs then fill them. These days to an outside observer I would probably be described as 'popular' but on closer inspection this is all a web of people I have weaved by being useful and making people rely on me. Without providing services to people I am not needed and am painfully aware that my social standing hangs by the tiniest of threads. My therapist explained I have no emotional intelligence but as I am highly analytical and have traditional intelligence I have learnt to emulate emotional intelligence so well most people cannot tell.

I have a very big interest in mental health, read and study what I can and take an interest in other people's stories. Where possible I offer advice or support, always from a point of love but also where possible I use evidence based articles or sources rather than just say nice things. However this has made me aware that I likely don't actually have depression but am just a broken person. I have no root cause of why I am worthless, I've done nothing wrong and nothing was done to me (aside bullying at school but that is standard growing up stuff that happens to almost everybody, if this does affect me it;'s due to my failure to deal with it properly and not the bullying itself).

Over the years I have tried the following (no particular order and prob incomplete), none have had any effect on my opinion of myself or the way people think about me:
Generic talk therapy/counseling (3 times)
CBT (3 times)
Group basic mental health course/training (CBT based again)
Compassionate Mind Therapy with a clinic phycologist
EMDR Therapy
Fluoxetine for 10+ years
Citalopram for the last year or so (no effect yet)
Drinking as much as possible (makes people like me but can't afford it plus need to drive to work)
Suicide (even failed at that)
Self harm (just physically hurts, don't help the emotional pain)
Making music (everything I did was awful)
Playing music with others (adds huge pressure as my mistakes will then fuck it up for others too)
Dancing in teams (again huge pressure to get things right)
Support Group (felt unwelcome because I had no 'real' problems plus was working)
Just 'getting on with it'
Journalling (kept forgetting to do it as I have no time)
St John's Wort (no effect at all)
Putting on live music events (more pressure that if I mess up it affects people)
Sexually acting out (promiscuity etc)
Listening to podcast (makes me realise I have nothing in my past to explain why I am such a failure)
Taking part in online forums (thrown out for unfair reasons, prob because they just didn't like me)
Meditation
Reading self help books (always so condescending!)

I'm not sure what I'll do now. I keep hearing people saying that improving mental health takes effort and you need to 'work on yourself' but nobody can offer even a starting point of what this work is.
What I've been searching for is a way to dull the pain. TO accept who I am. To be able to say "Yes I'm worthless and the world would be better off without me but until I die I can get on with things without pain and not make things any worse for other people".
Thanks for reading.

[solo_in_the_big_city]

Being bullied isn't nothing. Feeling worthless isn't nothing. It sounds like you have developed a lot of coping skills and are trying to figure out how to improve your life. That's a good thing.

[neufena]

Thanks,

I'm glad that this forum is friendly and welcoming. The admin of the Facebook group has thrown me off because I'm a manipulator and being bullied is not a valid reason to join a close group for mental health!

I'm physically shaking because of the messages he's been sending me.

He also accused me of being an advertising troll for posting a link to this podcast.

In my head I feel I had a lucky escape but still emotionally feel hurts, scared and like I have failed.

[manuel_moe_g]

Whoa! You did have a lucky escape. That Facebook group admin sounds terrible.

Please take care, all the best to you

[oak]

Thanks for posting. It is interesting to get a glimpse into another's life.

I encourage you to consider that I think you do indeed have intrinsic worth and dignity.

I must say I identified quite a bit with you! Both the first memory as a child and playing society's game (or "scam", as I call it): if I am useful they will love me! (Spoiler: they won't.)

Reading the list of things you've tried, some multiple times, demonstrates to me that you are willing to try. And that willingness demonstrates faith.

I am not sure what the answer is for you, or if there is an answer, but I do hope you hang in there.

And dude, start your own fakebook page! It's easy!

[neufena]

Thanks everybody for your support on this. It's been over a week now and I still find myself thinking about it and getting physical anxious symptoms. What did I do wrong? Why didn't they like me? I keep asking myself. Am I really a bad person and a manipulator?

I'm hoping that one day something will come along that helps me, for now it seems to be a case of keep trudging along. I always fantasize about suddenly having lots of money. Not to spend on things but to try out different kinds of therapy!