Hello!

[ss_rhae]

Hello everyone!

My name is Sabrina, but feel free to call me Rhae if you'd like. I somehow stumbled on the podcast featuring Ashly Burch yesterday and spent my day reflecting on my past and present experiences. Ashly is one of my biggest inspirations, as I too am a gamer (I'm currently a college student and am studying game design) and want to one day dabble in voice acting. Listening to her speak on the loss of her boyfriend David, as well as her anxiety and intrusive thoughts was...freeing. I ended the podcast feeling lighter. Sometimes I forget while buried in a pit of despair that there are millions on this planet that are just like me. That's an amazing feeling.

I am undiagnosed. I have never been to a doctor or therapist regarding the issues I face, despite my constant requests to my mother. I kind of feel icky when claiming to a bunch of people who have been diagnosed that I suffer from severe anxiety because I feel like in order to claim you have it, you need to be told you have it. Maybe that's a bad way to think about it. I guess I sort of view it as disrespecting those who have spent hours talking with professionals about their struggles. I am working hard to find a job and get to a doctor and start therapy as soon as I possibly can. I want help. I need help.

I've been a long time sufferer of anxiety, suicidal/self harm thoughts (is intentionally eating/drinking foods/drinks you're severely intolerant to considered self harm?), intrusive thoughts, body image issues and emotional/mental trauma. These things have been in progression of severity since I was 6, when my parents divorced. I am now 20, soon to be 21 in a few months. I have dealt with lying and manipulation and have witnessed as well as survived my step father's abusive alcoholism. Through the years, I have experienced anxiety and panic attacks, moments when taking my own life seems so much better than continuing to live, severe stomach and intestinal pain, bowel movements that leave me sitting on the toilet for hours at a time, acid reflex resulting in a raw throat and vocal problems, insane thoughts that have made me question what kind of a human being I am and how horrible I must really be, overthinking (sometimes so much that I can't think at all, and my brain ends up simulating an Off-Air television channel), gorging food or not eating at all, disassociation from those closest to me, slight PSTD (it's so much better than it was) and so many other things. I'd like to go into depth on this topics individually at some point here in the forums.

Outside of these things, I'm still Sabrina. I enjoy reading, writing, sketching, playing my guitar and video games, photography, hiking and horseback riding. I want to become a writer for video games and voice characters. I have two amazing dogs, a younger brother who is as geeky as me, and a mother and step father who work hard to provide for their family. I have an amazing group of friends that support me and talk me through my bad moments. If Paul's podcast with Ashly taught me one thing, it's that being open about your struggles, no matter how painful, can be helpful. I hope being active in the forums and listening to more podcasts can encourage me to be more open and face my situations instead of trying to bury them. I'm looking forward to meeting y'all and finding ways to support one another.

[bigeekgirl]

Welcome! I'm glad you decided to join the forum.

I could not help but wonder as I read your story if you have tried to see a therapist through your college. I don't have personal experiences with that but it might be an option that wouldn't involve your mom's approval. Or perhaps a support group for people impacted by someone else's alcoholism.

I'm a big believer in getting help early, often and from as many sources as possible.

Again, welcome! Hope to see you around the boards!

[ss_rhae]

Thank you!

I should have stated that I take my college courses online and am still living at home. I'm not 100% certain that my school's therapist offers online sessions. I will definitely look into it.

[brownblob]

Welcome to the forum. You definitely don't need a diagnosis to have issues. I'm sorry you are going through this alone. There is a group called al-anon for family members of alcoholics.