Hi All!

[doccess]

Ok, this is weird and I am crazy uncomfortable but I feel 100% compelled to do this and sometimes, actually most of the time, it's smart to follow the urges that might actually be healthy, eh?
So, what's my story? I am a married mother of 3 who spent the 1st chapter of her adult life taking care of everyone and everything else and then, really unexpectedly, realized that if I stop the constant care giving and working worrying and whatever else it is that I do, there's a voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough. I also realized that that voice has been there my whole life but that I've masked it with this inner (and outer) chatter and pushed it away.
Let's be clear here: it's not a hallucination, that little voice is me, judging myself, criticizing my choices, failing to validate anything I accomplish. It's me, and I'm a petty jerk to myself.
For a while, I thought my harsh judgment of myself (or, in a job interview I would call it "being my own biggest critic" ha ha ha) was actually driving me to be better.. but that's another lie. It makes me feel bad, it demotivates me and makes me hate myself.
Now as I get older and I look for some relaxation and peace I find that I can't truly get to the kind of balance I assume other people have.
Now, that was a load of whiny-ness but here's why I ended up HERE...
I heard Paul on WTF which led me to this podcast and for once I felt like it was the right place at exactly the right time.
The things Paul and his guests have said and the things I have read here connect with me in such a real and visceral way that this HAS TO BE where I need to be right now.
All I can say is thank you. Thank you Paul and thank you everyone for existing. Thank you for revealing the sad and damaged parts of yourselves so that I can start to heal. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.

[imnotcrzee]

Welcome doccess!
Thank you for sharing some of your story. I am sure you will find this forum and everything that goes along with the podcast helpful.
I also felt I stumbled upon this podcast at the right time. Every episode I listen to - there is something that resonates with me. Each Friday my heart jumps when I see a new one posted - I put on my earbuds (I'm a busy mom too), take a deep breath and press play. I have thought "yes! these are my people" with every single one I have heard!
There is no judgement here. Only caring people who are like everyone else except we acknowledge our issues.
Look forward to reading more of your posts and opinions!
I also "ditto" the thank you to Paul. My god - what he is doing is an absolutely amazing gift to us all.
A

[Paul Gilmartin]

Doccess,

Your post is music to my ears. I remember fondly when I started getting help and opening up and feeling hope return; realizing that critical voice in my head is not the truth. But most of all finding MY PEOPLE. Aaaaaahhhhhhhh. Phew. Realizing I don't have to keep putting on a mask to "fit in" or survive social situations. I've found that the more people I meet who are like me, the more outlets I have for my anxiety. And that's what I hoped this forum would accomplish. It fills my heart to see you guys connecting to each other. There are so many great, big-hearted people in this forum. Some are looking for help, some are looking to help. And that connection, to me is what life is all about. So congrats to taking off the first layer of your armor. You don't need it here.

Paul

PS thank you too to imnotcrzee

[doccess]

imnotcrzee and Paul, I just wanted you to know that when I read both of your replies, I cried grateful tears.. and those are the best kind