Greetings from Upstate NY

[apb7721]

Hello all!

You can call me A.P. I'm an almost 30 year old man who grew up in a stable family (other than moving around a lot for my parents' job). However, that didn't protect me from having my own issues and getting into my share of trouble. I became addicted to pornography in high school and it's continued for about 15 years. Even while attending a Christian college (by choice), I couldn't break the addiction. Then again, I didn't actually try that hard to stop.

Fast forward to 2010: I'm 27, working a decent part time job and trying to finish a Master's degree. I started to delve into the depths of pornography, looking at any type of fetish site, chatting about things I'd never act upon, and regrettably looking at and downloading some pornography that involved minors. Eventually, i was tracked and caught by law enforcement. In August 2010, i plead guilty to a felony. October 2010 brought about a sentencing of 6 months house arrest (Thank God I did not have to go to jail), a long probation term, and registration as a sex offender (level 1 which in NY state is for 20 years). I never acted out on things i talked about or saw in those illegal items but I came to understand that I was contributing to the abuse of the innocent depicted in what I saw. I weep and ache for the abused and hope that the people taking advantage of children and distributing the filth are brought to justice.

I lost my job, some friends, eventually my car due to no money, and I sunk into a depression. I never felt suicidal but I felt worthless and despicable. Relationships with my family and friends had to be rebuilt. My anxiety issues came back but I've been able to deal with it by medication and the offender recovery program I attended in 2011.

I love this podcast because I get to hear stories and viewpoints from people of all ages and backgrounds. It has helped me deal with certain issues and helps me understand what people go through. I look forward to conversations with people here and pray that others find advice and solace in our discussions and the podcasts.

God Bless,

A.P.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello A.P. Welcome to the forum!

[The Sleeper]

Hi A.P. I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of the stigma that goes with being labeled a sex offender. There is a sex advice columnist named Dan Savage who does a weekly podcast and one of his episodes included a guest expert on pedophilia ( Please note: I am not calling you a pedophile, you don't mention how old the minors in the pornography were and if you were actually attracted to them and you certainly don't have to tell me). They talked about how the hysteria regarding pedophilia actually makes it harder for someone with it to seek help, thus actually putting the children who need protecting at somewhat greater risk. I mention this because I see parallels to your situation: it sounds like everyone abandoned you after your trial and that must have been very painful. I hope this board will be a haven of nonjudgement for you.

[apb7721]

Despite not being a fan of Savage, I did listen to that. It is so true that there is a stigma. Some people lump all offenders together in the same pool. I can understand why they do that but it would help if people realize that there is a difference between someone who just looked at stuff and someone who physically harmed another person. Me personally, it was something done out of boredom and stupidity and not for attraction. Unfortunately, the legal system doesn't really care about that.

Anyways, im glad that my family stuck by me. It was just tough to re-build trust. Thanks for the advice

[Paul Gilmartin]

AP,
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry for the pain you've gone through and I'm glad you could see that by looking at that stuff you were contributing on some level to the exploitation of those children. I'm also glad you find this forum to be a safe enough place to tell us that, and know that we understand the power of forgiveness, especially towards people who are seeking to be healthier and more enlightened. We all have flaws, we all have made mistakes. I'm glad you're rebuilding your life and addressing the issue that caused you to think it was okay to look at that stuff. I think you'll find a lot of love and compassion here. I have!

Paul