Where to Start. . .

[penelope]

Hello,
My name is not Penelope (that's another story) but Katie. The podcast was introduced to me by my partner (who arguably is equally as messed up as myself) I've been listening for a little bit now, and have hesitated joining the site and then had one podcast that kind of hit a little too close to home, so decided why not I'll join the forums. I haven't really found a cyber space that has been particularly helpful and trying to keep a blog has been a bust, so I'll give this a shot.

Hmmm I really don't like diagnosis, as my therapist says it's really just so it can be billed. It has changed from depression, to anxiety, to panic disorder, to borderline personality disorder (which is a cop-out in the psyc world), to PTSD, and I think that might be it. I think personally that it's depression and anxiety that was worsened by PTSD. Mental illness runs strongly in my family so it's no surprise that I've had huge struggles I was a kid. Not too many ten year olds want to kill themselves, in high school I would have panic attacks frequently before school from the anxiety of going, crying hysterically to get out of it. My parents knew nothing about mental health and although they've come a long way since I graduated college, they still don't fully understand. So as a conclusion it went a very long time untreated.

College sucked and arguably some of the worst years of my life, but I'm still young so we'll see! Started with an emotionally abusive/controlling relationship, to a sexual assault (I hate the word rape fyi) from a "friend", to back in the same relationship who did not believe such things, to a relatively ok junior year, where for the most part I ignored the assault denying it's existence, I didn't really understand what it was. Senior was a shit show, started therapy with a really good therapist, eventually things started coming out, in the spring started medication for the first time ever, it went horribly, I o'd on anxiety meds, and a few more suicide attempts then a severe panic attack/nervous break down after current partner touched in just the right way when we were getting intimate. I only resent my therapist at the time for making me go to the hospital, it was either that or get kicked out of school. Although I almost didn't graduate anyway (another story that's intertwined).

It's been about a year, still working part time and moved home for health, although parents are understanding can't really confide much in them. Have a new ok therapist. Ready to start working a real job, with the degree I have, some bumps but overall seem to have found a good med balance.

That is probably way too much for an intro, but at the same time doesn't even scratch the surface. I'm just continuing to look for a place to vent and help others that doesn't involve me sitting at a table talking about what color my soul would be and reciting the serenity prayer, that's a bunch of bs.

[Rosie]

Hi Katie

It sounds like you've turned a corner and getting help with therapy and meds at this stage in your life is a good thing. Welcome, you're safe here. Continue your journey and be kind to yourself, big hugs, Rosie

[fifthsonata]

You had me at your last paragraph!

That is probably way too much for an intro, but at the same time doesn't even scratch the surface. I'm just continuing to look for a place to vent and help others that doesn't involve me sitting at a table talking about what color my soul would be and reciting the serenity prayer, that's a bunch of bs.

You are now my friend and there's nothing you can do about it. *cue creepy music*


College was very hard for me as well, I was also hospitalized involuntarily....all for different reasons, but I share in the pain. When I got out the counselor on campus tried CBT with me and I thought it was the biggest load of bullshit I'd ever encountered. I love that it has helped people, but it didn't help me. "Give it time," he said. "It won't work if you dismiss it," he said. It bored me. Reciting "serenity chants" or "listening to soothing voices tell me things...." No.


Off on a tangent there.


But, I must say, new friend, the fact that you're getting help and seem to be handling things well, makes me very proud of you. I know it seems to lack a genuine tone since we don't know each other in real life, but, I always feel so proud of people when they reach out. Those people give me hope.


Welcome!

[seb]

Hello Penelokatie!

Well if you've achieved anything today, you can mark me down on your bingo card (um, we all carry those, right? No? Just me?) as incredibly impressed with your strength and tenacity. To come through all that you have and be strong enough to share your story - even in message board form - is amazing and I'm so glad you've posted here. Welcome to the forums, and thanks for sharing . We have similar tales, so it really resonates with me.

*safe hugs all the way from Australia*

[The Sleeper]

Hi Katie, college was when I finally started to get treatment too. Welcome to the board!

[imnotcrzee]

Welcome Penelope.. but really Kate!
You can never share too much here, and it is always safe to speak (or write) whatever is on your mind.
You are here now, stick around for a bit and hopefully you can find some comfort here. To me it is kinda like an online support that I can attend when and where i want and for how long - and there is no talking about what colour our souls are. LOL - You had me laughin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A

[WoebegoneWarrior]

Hi Penelope/Kate. I had to drop out of college to spend two years touring rehabs and sober living facilities, so yeah, fun times! I'm 20 years past all that and still on the road to recovery from whatever you want to call my mental illness(es). I'm new to the forum, too. Or any forum, for that matter.

You're funny. I have to keep laughing to keep my sanity, too.