I'm terrible at introductions

[Miklos Rosacia]

Hi folks.

I'm an unemployed 38 year old hetero male who has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I've been living with my parents (now both in their 70s and retired) for close to 3/4 of my life and am currently trying to apply for disability based on my disorders and their impact on my ability to work. It was a hard thing to recently realize that I only worked full-time for 5 years at a job I hated and that I only just barely survived living on my own during that time. I had dreams of being an artist all my life and recently went back to college to finish my degree in that subject, but its been a long time since I felt productive or even competent. While I have a small group of close friends, I've never dated and am terrified of rejection and intimacy. My chief coping mechanisms are avoidance, gaming, and the interwebz.

My father's recent health problems and my mother's obsessive, controlling ways have been a real kick in the dick as well, but more than anything I wish my wish to be seen as a creative, smart person didn't keep crashing into the wall of self-loathing, regret, guilt, and the other shit that goes with that. The fact I was identified as gifted and talented as a precocious but cripplingly shy kid just makes me feel all the more like a failure and a disappointment.

I'm on meds and am in therapy (been in it for half a decade or so), both of which have helped but haven't quite been able to get me out of the Habitrail I call my life.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Miklos! Welcome to the forum.

I am lousy at giving advice, because I am 41 and still piecing my life together. I was recently diagnosed with Aspergers, and the way it manifested is that I was quite smart as a child, but I had a deficiency in my executive function control, so I couldn't use my gift to actually help myself. Adults and authority figures had limited ability to model being capable and effective - my own parents were always catastrophizing and ineffective. So now I have to develop the capable adult voice in my head, and learn to trust and follow that voice.

I am using cognitive therapy. I break down my harmful thoughts using "thought records"

http://www.cognitivetherapyguide.org/th ... ecords.htm

It doesn't work perfectly, because there is a gap between intellectualizing a solution and really living the solution, but it helps to bring down anxiety and put more "peaceful space" between stimulus and response, and to break bad habits and form new habits.

Please take care. You are in pain, and I honor your pain. You don't deserve this suffering. Everyone here is cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[Stina]

I don't have anything productive to say to you other than HELLO and WELCOME and I understand so much of what you've shared. Take care.

[Miklos Rosacia]

Thanks for the replies!

Manuel: I've been on and off thought records for a while. I found them super-effective when I was back in college (which was probably the best I felt in over a decade), but after graduation it got harder to self-motivate. I could write accurate responses to all my irrational bullshit, but believing them got hard. I should try getting back into the habit now that I'm attempting to exit my shell once more. And, yeah, I totally feel you on the catastrophi...stic (is that a word?) parents. My mom and dad are compassionate and well-meaning, but they are like lighting rods for my anxiety.

Stina: Thank you. I am also irrationally excited about the next Batmans.

[diaz]

Wow, Miklos, you are definitely gifted and talented...at beating the shit out of yourself.

Just messing with you, man. I am a pro in that area as well.

The first few things that occur to me (which might be helpful to you) are:
- Stop living with your parents if at all possible. I know from personal experience that this can wreak havoc on your confidence and self-esteem. If you could find a place near them it would be ideal. I completely understand needing to be around people and possibly needing their help, but I can pretty much guarantee that living with your parents is subconsciously pumping high octane fuel into your inner critic.

- Try to figure out the things you do that fuel your inner critic, and try to gradually reduce the amount of time you spend doing those activities. On the same token, figure out what activities make you feel better about yourself, and try to start spending more time doing those. I know that when I have escaped reality through gaming, it just fuels my inner critic. You may not feel that way, but that's just an example.

- Stop obsessing about the past. It's past and it doesn't determine your future at all. It's a new day. Move on.

- Have you ever considered professional landscaping as a career? Even if just temporarily. The reason I ask is because you are artistic, and it sounds like you are very bored and unstimulated. This is what I'm doing for the time being, and it has been great for my mood for several reasons: It's physically demanding, it's outside (fresh air and sunshine are good for your spirits), and it appeals to my artistic/creative side. And as they say, "Dirty hands, clean conscience."

Hope this helps!

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to post this and then beat myself up for coming across as such a fucking now-it-all dick bag.

[Miklos Rosacia]

Thanks for the suggestions, diaz.

I kind of ended up obsessing over your joke about me being gifted and talented at beating myself up. I know it was meant in jest, but it kinda summed up my whole self-esteem problem. Its a mix of expectations, pride, self-image, and all the bad shit that comes from depression/anxiety. Constant disappointment in myself.

I'm still trying to manage personal space while living with my parents. I find that I can't completely shut myself off from them - that just leads to resentment and mis-communication. It can also be quite nice to have dinner with them or play a board game once in a while, especially as I don't have frequent social contact in general.

[diaz]

Geez, sorry about that, man. But as I said - I am quite gifted at beating myself up as well. TRUST ME.

I'm not saying you need to cut yourself off from your parents. That's why I suggested moving somewhere nearby. I still depend on my parents financially because my job doesn't pay shit. I also benefit from having dinner with them on occasion. I just know that the idea of actually living with your parents will wreak havoc on your self esteem and self confidence.

Also, I know from personal experience that your parents can't get you where you want and need to be. They are older and they are on their way down. They are past their prime and are in the sunset of life. What I'm saying is that they won't be able to do any more for you than they currently do. They might keep you afloat, but they will never be able to lift you any higher than you presently are. That's where other people come in. I encourage you to go back to school and try to make some new friends and get out a little bit.

Another option for making friends (if you live near a fairly large city) is Meetup.com. I tried it when I moved to Austin and it was quite helpful.

Peace,
-D

[diaz]

And I would also highly recommend getting a dog. (Notice my avatar - that's Buster, my best buddy)

Dog's give you something other than yourself to focus on and care for. They also lift your spirits greatly and love you unconditionally - as well as giving you a host of other health benefits.

Another plus of having a dog is that you have to get out a lot more. You have to take them on walks and to the park, etc.