Girl from Yorkshire, England

[applesyumyum]

Hello! New to the forum, been a listener of the podcast since it started but I don't listen consistently.

I don't know what my 'story' is. I've felt depressed for a long time, my memory is terrible and vague. I shift between feeling lower than dirt, extremely anxious to even get on a bus or make small talk with a person I know, to feeling absolutely amazed and euphoric, though the high feelings are always short lived. Not long ago I felt suicidal, I truely did not want to wake up again. I've felt great today and to think I considered killing myself a few weeks ago seems like a different person.

I'm on the NHS waiting list for therapy, I don't know what sort of therapy. I've had CBT for self esteem before, but the last mental health professional I talked to explained that the lack of self esteem and confidence was merely a symptom of what's wrong and I need to get to the bottom of the issue. I don't know what the issue is. I asked if there was any ongoing therapy available, there isn't - the therapists on the NHS only have a set amount of sessions they can offer depending on which therapy type. The CBT I had was 12 sessions. The waiting list time in my area is currently 9-10 months. Shocking!

There are a lot of issues I have with my mother from my childhood. I feel I was neglected emotionally and physically, unloved. My terrible memory and that voice inside that says I'm being a pathetic little bitch who needs to shut the fuck up and get a grip on reality, I feel, is preventing me from uncovering the deep issues. I don't know how to do it. I feel like I've blocked myself out of some part of my brain! I definitely have intimacy issues, as does my sister. As a family we never hug or express love for each other in any way. I don't know how to have a friendship with a female.

I take 20mg of fluoxetine daily which I think is under the brand name Prozac in America.

I don't know what my needs are, never mind how to address them!

Anyway, hello! TL:DR; I have no idea where I am in life or where to begin. Totally lost

Laura

[Paul Gilmartin]

Laura,
Welcome! I recognize your name from Twitter. Thanks for the support!

Sorry to hear you're struggling. I was just emailing a listener as we were conversing about that terrible time when you're switching meds or not on the right ones or the right amounts, and it takes SO much patience. I said it's like waiting in line for food but instead of your stomach growling, it's your soul.

Not easy. Be patient with yourself and the system. Be gentle with yourself. If you need to take naps or do nothing, don't beat yourself up. Would you beat yourself up if you had the flu? Then why do it when your soul is sick? It needs to be nursed back to health not beaten.

Hope that helps.

Paul

[applesyumyum]

Thank you for replying I don't know how you manage to fit in everything you do!

Be patient with yourself and the system. Be gentle with yourself. If you need to take naps or do nothing, don't beat yourself up. Would you beat yourself up if you had the flu? Then why do it when your soul is sick? It needs to be nursed back to health not beaten.

I absolutely new to reiterate this to myself all day long until I eventually believe it!