Only after we've lost everything can we be free

[Tyler Durden]

Been listening to the podcast for a few weeks now and I really enjoy it. I suffer from both depression and anxiety. I take cymbalta and as much lorazepam as my doctor will give me. It helps. I really don't like being on meds, but when I'm off the meds, I'm suicidal. With the meds, I just wish I were dead. Listening to the show helps me so I don't feel so alone. I live in an upper class neighborhood, where everyone is apparently perfect. I've been in therapy a few times, but didn't really like it. Just got the feeling that the only reason they were listening to me was because I was paying them a lot of money. Unfortunately, the anxious and depressed don't always make very good friends, at least in my case, so I don't have any close friends. While I am very blessed and really shouldn't be depressed or anxious, for that matter, I have a very good job, with a high income, beautiful wife, 3 great kids, but just feel so empty inside. I often catch myself wishing I had been successful in previous suicide attempts (before I had people in my life who depend on me). Just can't seem to help the way I feel. Well, will talk more later. Take care.

[heart]

Hi welcome to the forum!

I really like your title. I have this like folder of motivational stuff and photos (it's lame I know but it helps me!) and one of it is a poem that says the same thing.

'You must loose everything
and then release everything else you've held on to
in order to recognize the blessings that you have been given
pick them up, out of the ashes
pick them up, out of the ashes'

I need a silver lining and I guess this is the best I can hold on to right now.
That's exactly what I thought about therapy too before I changed therapists. I don't know there was something about the way my last one just nodded and said nothing much to follow up what I said. Like she didn't ask any question or analyze what I said. So I felt like I was just compulsively talking to fill time and silence.Have you tried with other therapists or is it just therapy in general?

I just wanted to say how I relate to a lot of what you are saying. Especially about how I'm very lucky with my education and money and opportunities. But the thing about depression is that you can't make use of any of that.When people ask me what's wrong I don't really have anything in reply. And I always felt the same way about the difference in myself when I take meds.

when I'm off the meds, I'm suicidal. With the meds, I just wish I were dead.

I guess I just wanted to say I admire your refusal to suicide, I'm really struggling with that right now but family really helps me say no. It's 5 am and it feels like the world is sleeping while I'm having a mental breakdown but reading this helped me to read my suffering in someone else's shoes. It just validates my pain for me. And your strength dealin with them calmed and touched me. Thank you and sorry for this page long post.

[Tyler Durden]

heart,

thanks for the reply. I've seen a few therapists. The first therapist I saw was in college. It was free and he was like some grad student studying counseling. I went to a very conservative school, so when I started telling him some of my darker thoughts, etc., it was like a deer in the headlights. Without addressing any of my concerns directly, he gave me a workbook to start doing a 12-step process. I started to fill it out and left it with him after our next visit. The following visit I was met by the college "moral police" who frankly told me I was a freak and pervert and put me on probation until I graduated.

The next guy I saw was pretty cool. He was kind of new age and was helping me challenge some of my negative thinking, but a few weeks into our sessions his one and only son died. He kind of had a nervous breakdown and closed down his practice.

The last therapist I saw was with my wife. My insurance covered most of the bill for the therapy sessions, but the payments from insurance were always about 6 weeks after the session. He didn't like waiting that long and just wanted me to pay all of it up front and the start of every visit. Needless to say I wasn't feeling a lot of compassion from this guy and quit going.

Because I have children who depend on me, not just as bread-winner, but as a father, no matter how bad things get I won't ever committ suicide, at least while they are still in the house. I have thought about ending my life after they've moved out and established themselves, but that's still a good 10-15 years off. A lot can happen between now and then.

Hope you feel better. I'll leave you with a little wisdom from the movie fight club..."And then something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion - dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom"

[apb7721]

I'd offer advice but I am following rule #1.

[Tyler Durden]

That's cool. I'm OK if you break Fight Club rule #1, just don't break rule #2.

[Peedee]

Hey sounds like we may have similar backgrounds & issues. I really would like to get over my depression and just enjoy life again but i am so anxious depressed. Also I believe the word is entertained suicide which sounds so wrong but thats what your mind can do when it is unchecked Entertain a negative, dont figure. How have u managed to keep going?
PeedeeJ

[fifthsonata]

don't give up on therapy just yet. I had some bad experiences while I was in grad school with the on-campus counseling, but when I get insurance again I'll be going. it's normal for people to go through 3-4 counselors before they find someone they connect with.

have you looked into sliding scale counselors? they base your fee on your income - and since they're sliding scale, hell bring up your insurance company issues and see if they'll be okay waiting that long for payment. I had two landlords who did that for me while I was an ungrad/grad student - they let me pay rent/deposit after I got my student loans. can't hurt to try, right? the sliding scale counselors may be more receptive to the idea. especially since you're thinking suicide as a feasible option after your kids move out - it would devastate them THEN just as much as it would if they still lived with you and I'm sure you know that. perhaps it's a comforting thought, so if it comforts you at the moment then use it.

have you said anything to your wife about how you're feeling?

[Tyler Durden]

I really do need to get back into therapy. As an introvert, it's just something I really don't look forward to...

Regarding the will to keep going, like I said before, I have a wife and 3 kids who I know, intellectually, would be devasted and scarred emotionally for life if I were to commit suicide. I'm also providing the only income for my family. Emotionally, I often think they would be better off without me in their lives. In fact, if I knew there was a surrogate father/husband out there who could take my place, then I might consider suicide more. But for now, I'm serving a purpose and no matter how much pain I feel, I just love my wife and kids too much to just give up on them.

Thanks for the comments.

[Tyler Durden]

I have discussed the depression/anxiety and suicidal tendencies a few times with my wife, but she doesn't really get it. It just makes her pretty stressed out and upset, so I haven't brought it with her in years.

[Stina]

Tyler,
I'm sorry you can't talk about your depression and anxiety with your wife. That burden is tough to carry alone. Maybe she could benefit from reading some books or websites? Psychcentral.com is a good resource and heck, Googling "living with a depressed person" brings up a lot of good sites. I encourage you to maybe print something out for her that speaks to you and perhaps leaving it in a place for her to find. Leave some breadcrumb clues.

In the meantime, I'm glad you're finding a bit of an outlet from this forum though. Every little bit helps. I definitely encourage you to find a person to talk to face-to-face though. As a fellow introvert w/ depression and anxiety (hooray!), that is an uncomfortable process but it really freakin' helps. I don't know where I would be without my therapist. I relied on medication alone for a few years but then a major life event got me into therapy and I've been going ever since, though my issues with that life event have pretty much cleared away. Now we're dealing with the all-important Other Stuff.