Time to ante up

[Glock therapy]

Hi all. Been reading boards here for a while and listening to the podcasts a lot. Have felt that I should intro myself but it's seemed too burdensome to do so--summing myself up is a scary task, and ... tend to be alternately a voyeur or an advice-giver and certainly am tempted to do strictly that stuff on here. That little bit right there, the inability to sit and write an intro yet wishing to be part of this community... I think that says a lot about me ,right-fucking-there (insertion of "fucking" like that is a tribute to Paul, whose voice now lives in my head--thanks Paul, guests, and boarders for your honesty and for taking the risks you have. Or maybe I don't appreciate you at all and am just trying to convince myself and everyone else that I'm solicitous and thankful. I am, I'm not--I honestly don't know).

All right, let's go, the hard facts; Male, mid-forties (I'd like to keep my exact age private--somehow feels a lot safer to leave that out. I don't want to lie at all here. I will omit, at most, and indicate when I do), single, in a long-term relat.; hetero in deed, bi in fantasy life. No drug or alcohol problems--if I can enjoy myself smoking weed or drinking w/friends etc, that's a very healthy sign in my case. My habits--eating, procrastinating, fantasizing, worrying, compulsively exercising, picking my nose, reading, listening to NPR, shallow interactions online, obsessing over work task or details of something else and thereby not looking at my life as a whole and where the fuck I'm going. And listening to podcasts of course. Keeping the world at a distance is what I feel that all adds up to, yet so eager for intimacy too--ride my bike on path where I interact a little bit w/other riders, bullshit w/co-workers etc., message to online Scrabble partners, banter with storekeepers. I need that contact. I need to belong. Yet my belonging is always predicated on who I present myself as. So the fear that I'm a shit-in-my-pants, crybaby, incompetent, unmasculine, potential-waster-with-life-essentially over... that stays hidden and remains the undefeated champ. Have unhealthy amounts of grandiosity that alternate with depressive thoughts in the form of fantasies etc. Now that I'm older and the fantasies are even less probable the oversupply of grandiosity is more and more apparent -- "I could've been" has generally replaced "I should be". That thought makes me want to kill myself. Grew up with a somewhat weak but loving and dependable father, and a moody, raging, sometimes abusive mother. Was a very conceited kid with behavioral problems, but could ace my schoolwork so I always got a pass.

Have been depressed for many years. Have taken many meds; current combo of antidepressants and ADHD meds seems to be a good mix. Through 20s and 30s was on disability much of time, worked sometimes, and didn't use those vital years to put together a career or much else. Have been drawn to radical politics, alternative medicine and other things in a way that tended to be consuming but temporary. Now finally stable money-wise in a fairly demanding job (in the mental health field, but administrative, not as a therapist.) I usually make friends by listening to other people's problems, being "incredibly understanding" and non-judgmental, etc. while revealing little about what I have trouble with. A "sensitive guy" I guess. Ugh--what a pussy. I will *seem* to reveal; I'll talk about being nervous or indecisive about this or that. But only if I know that it's safe. Only if I've heard other people discuss a particular fear, or know from books or magazines--or MIHH--that others share this fear and that it's therefore "OK" to have that fear. I am deathly afraid of ostracism and feel as if I can say or do something wrong that will have me banished in an instant in vague existential proportions, not even sure what I'm afraid will happen. Not completely open with my completely open girlfriend, see her infrequently, but increasing open with my therapist--MIHH has really helped. I think I'm actually becoming truly open, not just "seeming", at least with my therapist. And I'd be so ashamed of that difficulty had I not heard Dr. Zucker and others discuss how evasive many people are in therapy. Bottom line: life feels like this huge task that I'm nowhere near motivated or skillful enough to do well with.

All right, I did it--that actually suffices for an intro, doesn't it (too much, says voice in my head)? I'm out of gas. But now I can guiltlessly write elsewhere on this here forum. Yeah, another thing--"Glock therapy". I'm a bit ashamed of that. I'm not suicidal (that's what my little pun refers to), though I do not know how to fucking live and often console myself with *thought* of suicide as an alternative. It's just an unduly provocative name for a timid indecisive dude like me.

That's about it. Thanks.

[meh]

Welcome to our little waiting room of the mind.

I like the name - I get the dark humor. Dark humor is what gets me through most times. I have a million wise-ass cracks about being bipolar that keep me from giving in to the dark side.

I'm also in my mid-40s - *cough* pushing 50 *cough* *cough* - sounds like we have a lot in common.

[Glock therapy]

Hey meh -
Thanks man, and I hope all is well. I'm counting on 50 being the new 28 or something... The age thing hurts in particular because I've sustained myself a lot by fantasizing that I'm going to do something great, finally realize my potential, etc. (the first 48 yo rookie in the NBA! An acting career begun in middle age! Why not? ) and my age is proof staring me in the face every day that the fantasies are just that. Something that others typically learn earlier, if they need to at all. There's some relief in that, actually and maybe the lesson here is that my wishes, fantasies *and* my perfectionism, self-loathing can all be set aside--all the world is *not* a stage, and I needn't be a player or anything other than what I'm am. I'm not as great or as horrible as I imagine, and both are barriers to living a real life.

You mention you're bipolar, and at risk of being presumptuous or off base, I've always felt that my extremes are somehow akin to bipolar, or that a thread runs through them both such that if I had the right genetic mix I'd be bipolar too. Extremes... do you think there's anything to bipolar-ness being an expression of this kind of split self-perception? Clearly bipolar has a huge biological component, more clearly so than most other "mental illnesses" ... but that thought came to mind. By the way, would love to hear some of the million wise cracks you've got about bipolar. That might be a cool thread here--everyone listing their jokes.

Thanks again for responding. Went back and read your intro and have some thoughts but will put those down there.

Peace,
-GT (solution at the moment for the name thing)

[meh]

The best thing about being bipolar is you can say anything at all - no matter how inappropriate - and blame it on being bipolar. Like "oh honey, did I really suggest we have a threesome with a stripper??? I was manic when I said that..."

Bah da BING!

I always knew something was amiss but it took me years (over 30 to be exact) to finally own up to it and take it seriously. I really can't describe the feeling of being bipolar.. I think everyone who has it experiences it differently. For me the depression is a feeling of isolation and doom. I don't want to be alone but by the same token, I want to block out the world. Mania is just the opposite. When it starts it feels wonderful, almost sexual. Then it usually ends in tears.

I'm not bothered when people say they think they might be bipolar ... Unless after I tell them I'm bipolar they say something like 'oh, I think everyone is a little bipolar...' An old friend said that after I told her - I had to resist the urge to ask her if she thought everyone thinks about suicide all the time?

[remarks]

I can totally relate to the whole dark humor thing. I think that's the way to tell who gets you and who doesn't. I don't know about you guys, but I throw some questionable dark humor lines without really thinking about them. It's not like I'm trying to get a rise out of people, but more just what's in my head. Reactions vary...as do my regrets for saying them. For example, telling a group visiting Joplin, MO that the place "really blows" got some laughs, while telling classmates in grad school that I could sympathize with Chris Brown because I cannot stand Rhianna being on the radio 24/7 got me booed.

Anyway, Glock Therapy, I wanted to ask you about what you said in your intro: "hetero in deed, bi in fantasy life." This fascinates me. Do you mean you are attracted to men, but too scared to do something about it? Or perhaps since you're in a relationship with a woman, you just feel like your chance to explore is over? Just curious. If you don't want to explain, that's okay too.

[remarks]

I admit that I have had some negative feelings toward the podcast and entire experience of late. Honestly, I've felt bad for having them because 1) I know Paul works very hard and he doesn't have to do any of this, 2) he is very harsh on himself, especially when it comes to what people think about the podcast, and 3) if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want people bitching about my performance.

I don't care if the podcast guest it famous or a random guy off the street, as long as he/she has a compelling story to tell. Maybe I've changed since I started listening to the podcast just six months ago, or maybe I've just raised the bar. I think about TV shows that I enjoy watching tremendously when I first discover them, but months later get bored with because they don't engage my anymore. We aren't exactly the easiest audience to please here. Look at us!

Maybe a constructive way for Paul to get real feedback on the podcast/website/etc would be to set up a survey with specific questions about MentalPod. Put that Survey Monkey subscription to good use.

[meh]

Not to hijack this tread... but a few things I wanted to add

1 - I started therapy yesterday and one of the first things my new therapist observed was that I use humor to soften the pain. Bingo!

2 - I've never really put a word to it but I guess you could say I'm bisexual, or (as I prefer to think of it) straight but not too narrow. In thought as well as deed. I sometimes wonder if it has anything to do with being bipolar - not in a 'when I'm manic I'm a horndog' way but in how my mental illness informs my sexual choices. I'd love to hear others chime in - I'm not sure in which forum.

3 - I go through phase where I switch from loving something to hating it. I guess the podcast could fall into that category. Still, I love this little community.

[remarks]

Somehow I posted my reply for this thread and a different one next to each other. So when you read the second post and think WTF, realize I made a mistake and it's not as random as it seems.

[Glock therapy]

Hey Meh,
Wow--you started therapy. That's huge--good for you. I got a piece of advice about therapy that has been very helpful (I mean, look at me now!). And since you asked, sure, I'll share. I'd therapist-hopped and on-and-offed quite a bit. And a friend with some knowledge in this area told me: "When you feel like leaving, don't. Talk about wanting to leave". Simple, but sure escaped me for a long time. Just throwing that out there--I'm gonna take a wild guess that that's been an issue for you

Your mention of coming to hate whatever you love is very familiar here. Oh yeah, does wonders for relationships and job performance and is a hell of an aphrodisiac (is there an emoticon for sarcasm? Or do I just have to be not-lazy enough to convey it with words?) For me, it's really largely a reflection of how I feel about myself. When I'm feeling shitty, I look around at everyone and everything in my life with contempt--as if all these people and things are evidence of poor choices, and have come to shackle me into a life I don't want. But... the other part of me desperately (meaningful choice of word there) wants to hang on to everyone and everything--don't leave me!!!-- and I appreciate every part of everything and everybody in my life. And then also feel guilty for my resentment, and feel like I'm lying to my significant other, basically, by virtue of having these fits of contempt that are so ugly I really can't share w/a gf what I'm feeling. Hmm... that probably plays some part in my response to your message the other day. I know I'm going to hate and want distance from everyone I like/love at some point-- have done it dozens of times. So I keep distance, and relish the non-commitment of a discussion board. (But I expect far more respectful and consistent behavior from others, and flip out at any perceived rejection whatsoever. I think my mom only loved me some, and I go back and forth between being mean he/loving her and also being the kid who wanted her love. Or something... I don't fucking know)

Though this stuff is weird and seemingly self-contradictory, it's pretty well-established in psychology, from what I know. Attachment theory; narcissistic, borderline, avoidant personality disorders; or even just good old "ambivalent" and "conflict" from the psychoanalytic world, among others, all recognize these kind of things. I take solace in reading about this stuff and seeing that some of the central puzzles of my life are "syndromes" etc. Along those lines, I like how MIHH is also an opportunity to have affirmed that your own demons exists within others as well, but also does it all without asserting a particular viewpoint to the exclusion of others, as I find much "expert" writing does.

Well, uh, just meant to give you props for getting into therapy, and some recognition on the love turning to hate thing. But why use 10 words when you can spout 200? Seriously, good luck with the therapy.

[meh]

Wow Glock... you said a mouthful

Yes - I've therapist hopped. In the past 20 or so years I've probably seen seven or eight different therapists. I guess the biggest problem is that I was only dealing with the symptoms without even addressing the root cause. In other words 'how does your mother make you feel' does no good when the issue is my bipolar disorder. Start from there and then deal with my mother issues. And oh boy do I have mother issues.

Anyway....

The whole I love you I hate you leave me along thing... we'll that's the story of my life. I've pretty much abandoned every friendship, romantic and sexual relationship I've ever had. Some by just walking away, others by blowing them up in a way that ensured the other person would never EVER take me back. I burned a lot of bridges.

And now, just when I really could use an adult relationship - even just platonic - my wife is ready to kick me to the curb and I have only one sibling that I even talk with. Oddly enough, my wife and that sibling - my youngest sister - have become close pals and I've become all icky about it. Maybe its because I feel like if I hadn't fucked it up I'd be a part of that gang.

Oh well.. sucky.. I know.

As you all were.