I'm new to the podcast, but I wish I could take a few days off from work to catch up on episodes. It's a little after 1am and I've been awake for about half an hour. Tried to go back to sleep, but I know it's pointless to try. I have pretty chronic insomnia, so this isn't anything new.
Basic demographic info: I'm 42, soon to be 43 and not thrilled about it. I'm a single, straight, female. And every birthday reminds me how single and alone I am. Live in Denver and genuinely love living here. It's one of the few sources of real joy in my life. I've been trying so hard to not be so introverted, to push my boundaries. I do volunteer work and it helps and I genuinely love the people I volunteer with but can't seem to make the jump to real friendship. I think I'm too quiet, too much of a downer, even though I have a lot of fun with them. I really try not to be and alcohol helps a little, but it takes so long for people to really get to see the real me (the fiercely loyal, kind and funny person I can be when I get comfortable with someone), that it almost never gets to that point before they stop asking me to join the fun. I recently adopted two cats and although they really bring me a lot of happiness, I kind of feel like I've finally given up and I'm ready to become a cat lady. I occasionally socialize with co-workers but again, can't morph into real friendship because I'm in a slightly supervisory role. In retrospect, most of my long-termish friendships have been me in the supporting role to needy dysfunctional people. But you know, it's something.
I've suffered from (lived with) mild to severe depression for most of my life. I was a somewhat lonely, very bullied kid but I think I would have been depressed even if I wasn't bullied or had even been popular. I thought about death a lot from an early age, not suicide specifically but death in general. I learned very early on to be okay with being alone and it was ingrained in me that I have to be self-reliant, it's bad to ask for help or support. I was really smart but hated school and never wanted to go and never finished homework. The kids made my life miserable, but I don't remember anyone doing anything to help with that. They started sending me to school psychologists in 5th grade but I don't know what it ever accomplished. I dropped out of high school in my senior year after what I realize in retrospect was a major depressive breakdown. I had been at a huge high school and with the exception of a couple of really kind teachers, I was so isolated and yet felt like such a magnet for abuse, I just couldn't cope any more. My grades nosedived and I couldn't turn it around. I went to live with a family friend in a small town in southeastern Colorado and finished high school there. Oddly, moving to such a small school was great for me. I know it's usually the other way around for a lot of bullied kids. I was basically on my own though, I didn't have much adult supervision. In reality, without going into too much detail, I had been relatively on my own since I was a pre-teen. My mom, who I think also had undiagnosed depression, had basically abdicated her duties. We had shelter and food but mom just sort of ran away from home (living with a boyfriend a few blocks away). She paid the bills and we had some contact, but she found my needs too exhausting and escaped the only way she could. My dad was doing his own thing and wasn't very present in my life at that point.
Anyway shortly after high school, I had a specific crisis that finally pushed me to seek therapy, the first time it was under my own steam, not required by school. It was very helpful and I even joined a group. That was the first time I heard the depression diagnosis and I was referred to the psychiatrist and put on Prozac. It made a huge difference but unfortunately, I'm pretty good at getting in my own way, so over the years, I've periodically talked myself out of taking meds, beat myself up for "needing" them. And every time I would do that, my life would spiral downward and it would take years to recover. I would never realize the depression I had been in until I started to climb out of it. I feel like I lost the majority of my 20's in a fog of depression and loneliness. I couldn't go to college, high school had scarred me too severely and I was a lousy student. I didn't realize at that point that I had/have ADD. I was classic, told by so many teachers I had such potential if I could just "buckle down" "pay attention" "stop daydreaming" etc. I've since gone back to school a few different times and I know I'm capable of being successful but usually after one or two successful semesters, I start to lose steam and crap out and just drop out. Now I have huge student loans but no degree. I've done okay workwise, especially not having a degree, but I'm deep in debt. I'm also very overweight. The years of depression and loneliness have manifested in compulsive eating. Food is my self-medication. I don't drink much or use any other drugs, though I've wondered if med marijuana would help.
Fast forward a few years, I found a really good doctor who worked with me to find the right meds combo for me, Wellbutrin and Adderall and it was like a miracle. I still struggle some but I'm slowly getting my head above water. The Adderall exacerbates my insomnia though so I don't take it every day. The meds help me get to a place where I can leave the house and I can exercise and I can get work done. I still have a lot of work to do and the loneliness is really rough. I was in therapy but my therapist is just too far away for me to get to appointments with regularity. I've kind of dropped out, even though she's a good therapist. I may reconnect with her and ask if Skype is an option. I just hate the idea of having to find another therapist closer to my home and having to start all over.
I could go on and on, but I realize I already have
This was somewhat cathartic and it's now a little after 2am. If I can fall asleep now, I can get almost 3 hours of sleep before I have to get up. Goodnight!
