tired of depression

[penny]

hi all, newbie here--appreciated the warmth & vulnerability of the other introductions here and hope to make my way through all of them over time.

i'm a thirtysomething woman who's struggled with mild depression since i was a teenager. never suicidal to the point of planning something, but there were two or three times in my life i wished i'd just not wake up the next morning. i'm one of those that drags my feet with medication--have never taken any, too afraid that the side effects would outweigh the benefits. parents divorced when i was young, both are prone to depression. mother is extremely caring and encouraging, but also a huge perfectionist workaholic who pressured me a lot any time i was in danger of achieving less than perfect results and could be a bit of a martyr/guilt tripper. father was rarely around and a total narcissist, possibly a compulsive liar fond of mentally manipulating me from a young age.

i manage my moods fairly well with cbt, diet and exercise but the depression rarely goes away for long. the problem nowadays is that i have an amazing partner who is kind and healthy and caring and i really don't want to wear him out by being down all the time. we've been together for a good few years now and he says it's never been a drag for him, but i fear that some point in the future it'll start weighing on him. i'm to the point where i know rationally that i'm 'catastrophizing' and that if i just wait it out, i'll probably feel better at some point, but it seems lately that i'm just sick of myself to the point of hating myself. sick of being sad, overwhelmed, mopey, negative, tired, achey. sick of doing all my little tricks to try to make myself feel better just to fall back into sadness. i really wouldn't mind a vacation away from myself for a little bit!

looking forward to reading more of the forum. this podcast has been a real godsend. i hear a little bit of my own experience in most of the interviews, and really am beginning to feel less and less abnormal and alone.

[fifthsonata]

To be honest, I don't think there's a "normal." I think we all want this magical thing that doesn't exist....


I know, that YOU know, if your partner felt this depression of yours was a drain on him, he would've left by now. Obviously he loves you for you, and this is just part of the package - it's NOT your defining characteristic, at all, but we all have issues we have to face and he realizes this is yours. He must see that you're worth it, so much so that this isn't a burden.


So, maybe, do what you can to help HIM help YOU - talk to a professional


In the meantime, we're here, and you can talk to us, too.

[kshannon]

Hi Penny,

Your story sounds very similar to mine. I grew up in an immediate family who hides behind narcissism to cover up emotions. I had to set some boundaries with them,so I can start the healing process. For example, I had to call my Mom and tell her that I wasn't going to make it home for the holidays. Last year was a nightmare for me and I was so depressed. I have to get myself strong before I can deal with my family who constantly minimizes my emotions. Since I have been in therapy, I have discovered that there is nothing wrong with me. Since I am sensitive,it was hard for my family to understand. In the past I had to hide behind a facade of being strong, loyal, and normal in order for them to accept me. I am all of these things, but it depends on what your family thinks is "normal" and what you think is "normal". Dysfunctional family's can do this, but you didn't choose what family you grew up in.

The way I would get my release, would be very self destructive, and abusive. I realize I tend to internalize my family's pain and take it out on myself. This habit is hard to break, but I am working on it. I am hopeful now. I can never stop loving my family, but I can't be around people who treat me like it is never good enough.

Depression is treatable and there is help out there. You deserve it!

I guess what I am trying to say is; never minimize your experience. Your feelings are your own and it is so easy for us to blame ourselves. Its not your fault.

I am in my late twenties and married to a wonderful guy who is very compassionate. He loves me for me, and despite what I am going through, he is there for me. It has been a roller coaster lately. However, he lets me talk to him about whats going on inside my head which can be pretty intense. I was never allowed this growing up.

I am learning a new way of thinking, and its like learning a new vocabulary, to stop the negative self talk, and tell myself that I deserve love and joy. I am taking things day-to-day and trying not to plan too far ahead. The perfectionist in me wants to set up unrealistic goals so I can get I mad at myself for not achieving them. I want instant happiness and I want all of my problems to disappear. But it is distorted thinking.

It sounds like your boyfriend is a great guy. Just love on him...Give him hugs, and thank him for being there for you. I do this with my husband every day. I see the way he smiles when I do this, and it warms my heart.

Never minimize, and never give up.

Thanks for sharing your story.

[penny]

fifthsonata-- what you said about depression not being my 'defining characteristic' is the perfect way to put it. i can slip into thinking i'm a big walking cloud of negativity, but that just isn't true. and the funny thing is, you are echoing what the boyfriend has been trying to get through to me too. i think that bit just clicked for me. thank you so much.

[penny]

kshannon--so much of what you said really struck a chord with me. i get the 'you're overly sensitive' all the time from the family, like you're supposed to take the emotional kicking and just keep smiling and not burden anyone with your pesky emotions. i like that you've 'owned' your sensitivity as a valid attribute. that's an inspiration.

the thing that struck me the most is saying about how you internalize your family's pain and take it out on yourself. a therapist once told me that because i put others' emotional needs over my own i'll be 'forced to beat myself with guilt when i ask for what i need'. boundaries are really hard to draw, but so necessary. your story helped me see my situation a bit more clearly. thanks so much.


Fifthsonata & kshannon--i'll strongly consider your advice to go back into counselling. i've been putting it off because of lack of money, but might see what i can do in the new year.

*gratitude for both of your thoughtful and helpful responses*

[kshannon]

Hey Penny, If you need to vent feel free to message me.

[weary]

Penny, there was a lot in your initial post that hit home - the way your family was emotionally sounds a lot like mine (yours too, kshannon).

I can relate to the dynamics you describe with your partner, but in a different way, because I was the one who "had it together" for the longest time while my wife was spiraling through depression and anxiety. I wasn't aware of the problems that I had until I just couldn't cope anymore with the additional burden and isolation that I felt from dealing with her problems and it became apparent that I didn't have my own good coping skills, boundaries, etc. I hope that you are able to be open and honest with your partner about your insecurity about how this is going to affect him - and tell him how important he is to you and that you love him, because for me, the biggest pain came from feeling like I was unimportant or taken for granted while she was in her worst struggles and I needed to pick up the slack and take care of her. Having your partner can give you something to focus on in terms of how you look at yourself as well, because if he knows you better than anyone else and loves and accepts you, then you can remember that when you are having negative feelings for yourself - you are a good person, a lovable person, and they way that he feels about you is the proof!

Good luck and I look forward to reading more from you.

[penny]

@kshannon--thanks so much. likewise, please message me if you need a sympathetic listener.

@weary--thanks for sharing your experience. i know exactly what you are saying and appreciate the advice--i'm careful to tell my partner how much i appreciate him, i support him when I can, and try to be as straightforward as possible in asking for what i need. when things get really dark emotionally, i also insist on him going out with his friends and doing all the things he normally does so that his life doesn't get taken over by my emotional state.

you know what's really funny is that I was in a similar situation 7 years ago to the one you're in now. (although saying that, please don't think i'm comparing your partner to how i'm about to describe my ex--it's more that the dynamic seems similar). I'm divorced, and my ex husband had a multitude of very intense emotional problems. while i was busy juggling making sure he was ok and making sure we had food and rent paid for (he was unable to work for more than a couple of months at a time), I was able to ignore my own problems. when it came to a point where i couldn't ignore my depression any more due to a death in the family, i finally asked him for some support and he told me he wasn't able to help me, and that he married me because 'i was the strong one'. it finally hit home for me that our relationship was based on caretaking and not love, and that ours was not a 'partnership' but more of a 'nurse' and 'patient'. after lots of individual and couples therapy i didn't see him have any investment in getting better--he enjoyed the victim role too much. i decided to end the relationship then, and felt enormous guilt for 'abandoning' him.

years later i met my current partner, and suddenly i'm in the position of being the more vulnerable one. it's kind of a luxury, but i'm hyper-aware of not taking advantage of his support and trying to do as much for him as I can as well. being with someone who is emotionally stable is so exotic!!

i have a bit of news as well--i found an organization near me that gives low-fee therapy. my first appointment is tomorrow! i'm looking forward to it, but also nervous because i know that it'll challenge me. still, i want to be well, so onwards and upwards.

[weary]

i'm careful to tell my partner how much i appreciate him, i support him when I can, and try to be as straightforward as possible in asking for what i need. when things get really dark emotionally, i also insist on him going out with his friends and doing all the things he normally does so that his life doesn't get taken over by my emotional state.

while i was busy juggling making sure he was ok and making sure we had food and rent paid for (he was unable to work for more than a couple of months at a time), I was able to ignore my own problems. when it came to a point where i couldn't ignore my depression any more

THIS.

it finally hit home for me that our relationship was based on caretaking and not love, and that ours was not a 'partnership' but more of a 'nurse' and 'patient'. after lots of individual and couples therapy i didn't see him have any investment in getting better--he enjoyed the victim role too much. i decided to end the relationship then, and felt enormous guilt for 'abandoning' him.

And THIS.
The difference between my marriage and your former marriage is that she does have an investment in getting better, or at least she says she does (and there is some evidence of progress). But there is the question of how long to wait for another person to get their life together while you suffer with the burden of dealing with their insecurity and chaos and feel like you can't rely on them for help when you need it.

Glad you're on here, Penny. We're all in the same boat, to one degree or another.

[meh]

"i really wouldn't mind a vacation away from myself for a little bit!"

Wow... you said a mouthful there. You've managed to crystalize everything I've been trying to say about my self and my brain to my wife, my therapist, anyone who asks.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all get a vacation from our depression / bipolar disorder / PTSD / etc. for a day or two? Give then chance to be someone else for even an hour, I'd grab at it.