First, I want to say that I absolutely adore this podcast. I even might have a slight crush on Paul Gilmartin--I tend to get those on people that do good things, and are so open and honest about life and themselves. It's so refreshing to have celebrities come on and talk about the kinds of things that I struggle with, and to know that I'm not alone, and to know that life can still be worth living even when you struggle with the crap. I've only been listening for a couple months now, but will probably go back and listen to some older episodes at some point.
Anyway, so my mental issues are as follows:
1. Social Anxiety--I don't want to minimize this, nor do I want to make it seem worse than it is. The truth is, I'm able to function and appear normal to the outside world. I'm able to hold a job, and somehow manage to get through life. But, every day I am filled with anxiety with having to interact with other people. I have varying degrees of fear, anxiety and nervousness on a daily basis because you can't get through a workday without having to interact with people. I've been at my job for 15 years and have found some degree of comfort because of the familiarity of the surroundings and seeing the same people every day. But, it takes me such a long time to ever feel comfortable with other people. I went probably 3 years at this job without talking to anyone unless I had too. I avoid the phone at all costs, and try very hard to do work related interaction via email only. 95% of my weekends are spent not leaving my apartment because I don't really have any friends. Sure, I have acquaintances, and I seem to be able to interact really well with people online. But, I'm still extraordinarily lonely, but can never bring myself to actually meet new people or attend social functions because I'm too damn scared. I'm constantly embarrassed of myself for no reason whatsoever, and I expect people are judging me and thinking I'm ugly, or thinking I'm a freak show because of my social awkwardness. I can survive and I can live, but it's not really that much of a life because I have no close, local friends that I hang out with regularly. I certainly don't have any romantic relationships, and while on my happier days I still find myself hoping that one day I will, I honestly don't think I ever will. Every day is a struggle because every day I am filled with anxiety from social interaction.
2. Depression--I'm pretty much sad all the time. I will have occasional happy experiences or days. But, generally, I live in a state of funk. I suspect a lot of it has to do with the aforementioned social anxiety and loneliness. But, throw in a smidgin of general dissatisfaction with life and a family history of depression, and I would probably be someone who was bound to get depressive episodes without the social anxiety anyway. But, I really do believe that the social anxiety is probably the biggest motivator of the depression.
3. Low self esteem and feeling ugly.
I'm sure there's more, but I'm glad to have found this podcast and the community. I'm gay, but I don't seem to have any problems with that.
On the positive (?) side, I'm a full fledged sci fi geek, gamer, and aspiring writer. So, I still have plenty of things I enjoy doing in life. But, my life is clearly not fulfilling to me. I long for something better, but my fears and anxiety keep me from every achieving anything meaningful. I've been on medication and therapy in the past, with mixed results. I don't think I got much better or worse. Though, sometimes I found it nice to at least have someone to talk to once a week. I'm seriously considering trying to get back into it this year. I think I'd like to try something more proactive though, as my talk therapy seemed like just a bunch of me complaining, and never doing. I'd be interested in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that is actually geared towards trying to actively change my life, maybe even group therapy. But, I'd be afraid I'd only be going to group therapy to find friends that are like me instead of actually trying to make things better.I guess that's it for now. Thanks for reading.
