Plunging in with a question

[Pink_Chainsaw]

Hey all, this is barely an intro, so forgive me. When I'm really depressed and anxious it takes all my might just to function and put on a fake face. I manage to work and care for my animals but would be completely happy to never utter a word or see a soul. Is that horrible and sick? I've been listening to this podcast for about a year and a half and find it to be like a big bowl of warm mashed potatoes - true comfort food. Thanks for all your posts and surveys, which also provide relief.
The good news. I have my first appointment Monday with a new therapist I found on goodtherapy.org However, I have been to about 4 over the last 20 years and I never can get honest. I always feel way too embarrassed and never want anyone to know what a worthless person I am and the biggest faker.
I have to pay out of pocket so I can only afford about 2 visits per month, so I don't want it just to be a waste. I'm not on any meds. I had a bad experience with Effexor and am a little gun shy but I'm desperate now. My mental health is now effecting my physical health so I feel I need to give another try. How the hell can you discuss your deepest darkest thoughts with your therapists? Why am I so afraid of her judgement? Hate myself! Thanks for listening. Your are listening?

[serious_oregon]

Hiya.
It's totally normal to be apprehensive about your first therapy visit. I know I certainly was. And it's totally okay. You don't have to go there thinking you're going to spill your guts on the first day. One of the most important things we do when we go into therapy is to develop trust with our therapist. Trust is really hard; especially with a complete stranger. Get to know your therapist first. See if she/he is a good fit. Feel out your situation and know that any good therapist isn't going to rush you or make you feel uncomfortable in ANY WAY. Instinctively you should be able to tell after your first couple of visits if you feel safe in your therapist's space.

Remember, we're all here on this end rooting for you. I've been through some really dark days. I've hated myself and thought I was worthless, but I worked through it. Now, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm not perfect; far from it, but I know that this moment I am living in right now is a gift and I'm going to make the most of it that I am capable of. You mentioned pets! Pets have sometimes been the sole reason I've been able to get out of bed on a lot of days I wish I could sleep to keep the world away. I see my cat as a reflection of myself as a kid;, small, vulnerable and dependent on me to be there to feed, love, and be a companion to them. A nurturer. That's something we all need.

I totally relate to your Effexor experience. I've tried most everything, but I have horrible reactions to western medicine. I'm taking an herbal supplement called SAM-e which has been really helpful keeping me balanced. I'm not advising you to take this. I'm definitely not a therapist or a doctor, just someone with a similar experience. I would say talking about herbal supplements with a therapist or doctor is a great idea and an alternative, especially if you are sensitive to meds.

Anyway, I basically came on here to welcome you to the forum. I'm rather new myself. I think Paul is totally rad for creating a safe space for all of us to share our stories and to get the support we need to make it through each day. So, if you'd like, consider me your first pal on the MIHH forum...and have a fantastic day in therapy! You can do it!

serious_oregon

[admin]

Pink Chainsaw,
I'll second what Serious Oregon said. And since this is an anonymous forum, you might try opening up about some of the things you're afraid to share with your therapist. Have you tried taking the surveys yet? Some people find that to be a good first step in talking about the hard stuff. You can also Direct Message someone on the forum you trust. Or tell me to go fuck myself!

Big Hug,

Paul

[Pink_Chainsaw]

Thanks so much serious_oregon. I've been able to open up with a close friend about quite a bit. He knows more about me than anyone else, and that part feels liberating but he doesn't understand depression. Would you believe I'm 47 and before listening to this podcast, I would not admit I was ever depressed? It seems carry such a stigma and that we should all just snap out of it and stop being such babies.

That's a great reminder for me to listen to my instincts on my first visit. I have gotten better but so much of my life I've been so concerned of hurting someone else's feelings. My jaw dropped when I heard Paul talk about an instance in one of the Dr Zucker episodes. He had an incident where he discovered someone working at his house had stolen some CDs or something. He was uneasy about confronting the guy because he didn't want to make HIM feel bad. Did I get that right? Holy crappers that's me!

My dogs and cat provide so much happiness and comfort. One of my dogs is a slugabed, but the other must eat really early so I can never wallow in the sheets for long. I don't take many naps because I don't sleep well at night and I'm plagued with relentless napping guilt (shouldn't be a lazy sod in the middle of the day!). Nonetheless, if the dogs or a cat are snoring away on my bed it is so peaceful and innocent, sometimes I can't resist.

I'm always looking for alternative supplements and modalities...I'll look into Sam-e, thanks for the tip!

And Paul, what an honor...go fuck yourself You're right, that might be cathartic to fill out a survey. I have actually taken notes listening to many of your episodes to discuss with the therapist. I've had moments where guests have stirred up something from my past or just plain raw emption. Really, thanks for the support it lifts a corner of doom & gloom up from my blanket.

I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow. I think most of all my previous therapists, have been older women and seem too maternal and I feel as if they could be my mother!!! Yikes! This time I picked someone younger. Great, so now I'll feel like I'll be talking to someone who has their shit together! I can't win:)

Thanks again..
Pink_Chainsaw (completely random stupid name)

[Cheldoll]

Your username is AWESOME.

I've had some not-so-great therapists -- a lot of that older woman maternal feelings. I don't like literally being scolded for something I thought. I'm seeing a woman now who's probably in her early 30s, which is still older than me and she definitely has her shit together, but at least it doesn't feel like she's going to send me to time out or something. I love that you take notes listening to the podcast to bring issues to your therapist. I should really do that too.

Hope your appointment goes well! Welcome to the forum.