As shy here as I am in real life

[adrivahni]

So this will probably be pretty short.

I am, as Paul put it, an "old fuck" who has been dealing with this crap for far too long. It's incredibly humiliating to be this old and to still be struggling with social anxiety issues that most people seem to get past in their early twenties if not sooner, and to be this old and not have more than a couple of friends. I've been diagnosed bipolar type II rapid cycling which as far as I can tell is psychiatric shorthand for "you're a fucking mess", and the therapist I don't really see anymore says I'm also avoidant. Fun fact: I read a paper about avoidant personality disorder which said (and this is a near exact quote) "people with apd are the sinkers in a sink-or-swim world". So I've got that going for me.

The one lesson I'd pass on is that if you're young, and you're struggling, go and get help now. Don't wait, don't let it settle into your life. I knew a long time ago that I needed help. I kept thinking I'd grow out of it, that I was smart enough to change on my own, that all I needed to do was try harder and stop fucking up so much. I just ended up damaged, with scars that I can't explain away and memories of pain that I don't want to have.

Great, now I'm crying.

If you need help, go get it. Really.

[MizLzie]

Welcome to the forum adrivahni! Perhaps I'm not an "old fuck" as you say, but I can relate to the feeling of not getting past stuff in my twenties when we're "supposed" to. In fact pretty sure it's only gotten worse as I've gotten older. You have good advice - go get help!! Now if only I listened to my own words right?

[Fargin]

Welcome,

I'm only 39 years old as fuck, but it's really only been a year since I realized that fear and anxiety was my primary malfunction. I've been diagnosed with ADHD, Asperger's, another psychiatrist decided to throw some anti-psychotic medicine at me, because some anti-depressants didn't have much of an effect on me. I think unfortunately I learned at a very early age, not to ask for help or show that I was different, because when I got in problems my mom would go into a hysteric rage and would just escalate even the most minor problems. It just became second nature not to reveal my thoughts and feelings, I became so guarded, it probably took my entire thirties, just to uncover a deeply rooted all consuming anxiety.

I feel like my brain is wired so every potential social interaction has to pass through my "fear center," where everything is turned into a problem that I then have to avoid at all cost. All the people around me, my age, are busy living adult lives, while I pretty much feel like a little child. I sometimes worry that I'll never unlearn/re-wire a lifetime worth of coping mechanisms.

[adrivahni]

Thanks for the replies MizLzie and Fargin. I try not to play the "if only" game too much, but that's hard when your life seems like a monument to bad decision making. And Fargin, that's exactly it -- I feel like I'm still an awkward kid while everyone else my age has grown up. I read somewhere that a childhood trauma can cause you to get "stuck" at that age, and I wonder sometimes if that's it.

I also learned not to show my feelings or fears but it was a sibling who bullied me, not my mother. That must have been rough.

[serious_oregon]

Thanks for coming in and introducing yourself. I hope that you find some solace in the forum. At least, maybe find some of us old farts that are still battling these fucking demons on a daily basis. I had childhood trauma and I am positive it is what completely fucked up my life. Everything that is 'wrong' with me today stems back to that time of my life. I actually can't ever remember a time of normalcy in my life. I make the most of my life through my relationships with close friends, my partner, and our pets.

You don't state your age, but I really don't think it's ever too late to ask for help. I hear a lot of sadness in what you wrote, but want to really encourage you to talk to somebody. I know you have a therapist that you don't really see anymore, but maybe you need to find someone that identifies with you better. If you don't feel like you're being helped by your therapist, they're probably not a good fit for you. I know it took me more than one shrink to find one I felt safe and comfortable with. I'm just putting that out there. Firstly, do what feels the best for you.

I'm really glad that you came to the forum and felt like you could talk to us. We're all compassionate and caring about each other here and I hope that it helps you to get some of this off your chest. Please feel free to comment any time. We're glad to talk stuff out, discuss, shoot the shit, laugh and cry together. You've found a good place.

Peace and Hugs,
serious_oregon

[adrivahni]

Thanks for the kind words, serious_oregon. I'm giving myself credit for having posted at at all, now I'll try actually participating.

It's funny, it was my therapist who recommended MIHH. He's a great guy, and god knows he's been endlessly patient with me. But after five years I've never experienced that feeling of trust and openness I hear other people talk about. Trust and vulnerability are a problem for me though, so maybe it would just be the same with another therapist. But I'll never know unless I try, so maybe I will.

[oak]

Hey ad. Thanks for posting, and for being so honest.

Some thoughts, offered kindly, as I read:

1. What is "old"? Be careful about the power of labels. You are a whole person.

2. If you are a "sinker", why have you not sunk yet? You made it through life this far. That sounds like swimming to me.

3. Thank you for the advice about taking action now. I realize that, timing wise, this summer I will go from working poor (where I have been for five years) to either the middle class or poor. I heed your wise words.

I hope you find healing. Keep communicating.