pretentious existential angst

[rebecca]

hello everyone,

i'm pretty uncomfortable writing about myself (i'm the kind of person who likes to talk more abstractly so I don't have to engage with any feelings) but here goes:
i guess I suffer from anxiety/depression/a bit of manic something or other I've been treated for anxiety and depression but I'm currently not on any medication just talking to a therapist. my main problem is a general feeling of loneliness, disconnection and occasional intense panic. i'm lucky to have a few people in my life who are really loving and supportive and it makes me feel guilty that i can't be happy for them. O! the guilt! i forgot the constant overriding suffocating guilt!- maybe that's my main problem!

i get very caught up in philosophical and existential theories and tend to let them dominate all my thinking time until i feel like i don't exist the current anxiety on the boil is the problem of free will.

i had a weird childhood, my mum left when I was ten and my Dad moved us in with a very intense scary woman and her family (she was some kind of shaman- new agey person who freaked me out/intrigued me with rituals and dead animals). I think most of my issues stem from growing up in this unpredictable threatening environment and not having my mother around to support me in becoming 'a woman'- whatever that means.

i'm getting a lot out of therapy but its taking me ages to open up and i still can't seem to cry which is frustrating because i long for the catharsis. I'm trying to eat well and exercise which i think makes a big difference but is hard to do when you're depressed as you all know. Meditation has been amazing for me I can sit for an hour and only achieve 30 seconds of peace... but its glorious!

i'm an artist so i try to process my emotions through drawing and painting which works sometimes.

i'm desperate for everyone to love me and terrified they will leave (just like my mother- how fucking original) so i suppress my own needs to try and please others... been doing this so long i'm not really sure what i need/want/like or who i am.

other than that just peachy thanks! nice to meet you all.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Rebecca, welcome to our little forum!

I read your whole post, it was not pretentious! I am sorry to hear about the traumas of your childhood and about your loneliness. I am glad to hear you are using therapy and meditation and getting so much out of them.

Looking forward to reading more of your written contributions to the forum! All the best, cheers!

[oak]

Yes, welcome Rebecca.

Your post was interesting and thoughtful; not at all pretentious. And hey, if you want to be pretentious, that's okay too. I accept you as you are.

Existentialists gave us a new view of the world, one that enriches us. Sometimes it is good for me to balance existentialism with the absurd-that-is-actually profound. ie, I find Horse Feathers by the Marx Brothers, or the Dictator, a fresh view on ideas.

Oh gosh, with the dead animals? Oh man!

Are you ready for a little corny trope, Rebecca? Here goes: sometimes a worthy catharsis will come when we least expect it. When the time is right, I hope you have a deep cleansing cry. In the meantime, I accept you as you are.

Good for you for the happy practices of surrounding yourself with loved ones, therapy, and art.

You're on your way. Hang in there.

[adrivahni]

Hi Rebecca:

I had a really hard time opening up in therapy too. It took me years before I'd even let myself tear up, and I never really cried. I know what you mean about wanting the catharsis.

Welcome to the forum.

[rebecca]

Thankyou all for your compassionate comments- wierdly people being nice to me is the thing that gets me closest to crying... Lucky i'm such a cold hard dissacosiated bitch or i'd have got my keyboard wet!
I think youre right oak- the deep dark existential stuff should be tempered by the absurd i'm a bit too young/british to have watched the marx brothers but maybe thats exactly what i need!
Regarding the dead animals, she didnt actually kill any that i'm aware of she just collected road kill to do her rituals or make into creepy altar pieces... Hmmm.... Not sure that makes it much better?! I'm a vegan now and it breaks my heart to see animals bodies used for decoration or mad spiritual shit, but sometimes i feel like my heart gets broken several times a day.
Thank you adrivahni, its nice to know im not the only one sitting dry eyed in my therapists office! one of my closest friends just started going and he said he was hysterically sobbing on his first visit! I felt so envious not only of the catharisis he achieved but also the extra sympathy he elicited from his therapist- then i felt like the most horrible person alive to be jealous of such a thing, then i felt angry that i have had such a harsh internal critic implanted in me, then i felt sad... But i still couldn't cry! All this when i'm trying to be a supportive friend... And here comes the guilt.
How lucky we all are to have found this show and this forum!

[oak]

I read the other day about a woman who gave birth while being wheeled into the hospital. Thirty seconds or a minute or two later, out comes the baby. Unexpected, but right on time.

The moment was right.

Maybe you'll be standing in line at Chipotle, or brushing your teeth. Then, just as natural and healthy as can be, the tears will start.

Who knows, maybe they'll be happy tears Or maybe they will be deep, cleansing sobs.

However you do it, and whenever you do it, it will be just right, and not a moment early or late.

You'll get there.

(When you do cry, let us know how it goes!)