New to the boards and trying to avert a crisis

[Leebeeboo]

Hi all. I've been listening to the podcast for about a year now, but am just now signing up for the Forum. I started listening while at work to pass the time and find a way to relate to people who share the same struggle as I do. My life has been turned upside down in the last two years, beginning with an ectopic pregnany that nearly killed me. I have two little girls who are the only reason I still function at all these days. My husband lost a well paying job when the company imploded, and my work in the non-profit sector did not pay enough to keep us afloat in an east coast metro area with a high cost of living. I kept telling myself to be strong, that I had it so much better than many of the families affected by the company's closure, and I had to be strong for my husband. We floundered through the next six months after his job loss, He found another job, but it just barely paid more than unemployment, and our child care expenses were the equivalent of a mortgage payment. He got a chance call from a former supervisor, who had gotten a management position at a company in Texas, he wanted him bad, and was trying to pull strings to have relocation covered and a generous salary to boot. This was at the beginning of November. I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas feeling melancholy as the negotiations stalled, not knowing whether this amazing chance was going to materialize or not, if this would be the last time I spent the Holidays with family, if my future would ever stop looking so dim. Just after the New Year, he got the official offer. It would not be a full relocation package, but something is better than nothing in this economy.

In the process of moving we lost our considerable support system, which I knew would happen, but underestimated the devastating effect it would have on me. Up until a few months ago, I worked full time, but had family who loved to spend time with the girls, which allowed me free time to decompress on the weekends. Now I'm a stay at home mom with a shift working husband (who is supportive, but works 60 + hour weeks more often than not) who has no friends, no adult interaction outside small talk with cashiers and the five minutes a day I can actually talk to my hubs, no transportation (I sold my car in preparation for the move, it was old, not worth keeping), no options for a babysitter, and a preexisting case of depression which wasn't really all that much bettered by the course of meds prescribed by my PCP.

I was prescribed Zoloft (after nightly crying jags that ensued after the ectopic ordeal) which was inched up over the course of a year, but by the time I felt relief, I was an unfeeling zombie who was dead from the waist down. I couldn't deal with the absolute lack of any sexual response or emotion, so I requested a switch to Wellbutrin after some research, finding out in the process that my PCP was really inexperienced in prescribing AD meds. She moved the dosage up slowly over the course of a few months, and i topped out at half the recommended dosage (I was on 150mg instead of the therapuetic dose of 300mg) without any real relief from my depression aside from the fact I was able to eat without being in incredible pain. I attempted to make an appointment with my PCP in November, when my stress level was skyhigh, and I wasn't entirely sure how I was going to give my kids Christmas presents. I couldn't get an appointment until February, though she did call in a refill on the Wellbutrin that kept me from throwing up everything I ate. The appointment was supposed to be a week before I left for TX, which I had planned to ask for enough refills on a higher dosage to get me through a period of having no health insurance. I got a call the day before the appointment cancelling it, and the reschedule couldn't happen until after I left the state. She wouldn't send a new script to the pharmacy, either. Let's just say that I couldn't be happier that there is now 1500 miles between me and that doctor right now.

So, essentially, I've had to go cold turkey off my meds that weren't entirely helping in the first place all while experiencing an incredibly stressful life change. I'm lost, I'm isolated, I'm alone, and lonely. I walk through everyday either in a fog of sadness or intentionally zoning out so I don't turn into a screaming maniac. I have no patience. I am irritable. I can't fall asleep without a sleeping pill, and I don't necessarily stay asleep once I fall asleep. I tried supplements (sam-e, st. johns wort, lithium orotate), but they're bullshit, and I'm kicking myself for wasting the money on something that did nothing for me. I'm smoking too much, I'm only eating to put on a show for my kids and husband, because I'm not hungry anymore, ever. I wake up with good intentions but no motivation. My moods deteriorate over the course of the day, starting mediocre at best and rapidly devolving from there. I can't even experience joy anymore. I haven't since 2010, and getting through the day is very hard when you know that you have nothing to look forward to. I still have a room full of fucking boxes that I can't muster the effort to unpack after three months of living here. I desperately miss my friends and family, but always feel hollow and sad when we skype or talk over the phone because I have nothing whatsoever to talk about except how weird it is in TX.

I've set up an appointment with an actual Psych, because two years of hell is more than I can take. It is in a little over two weeks, and I'm just trying to tread water until then. I need to get better so my kids can have a good mother.

[oak]

Hugs.

I have no advice or suggestions.

I do honor you and your struggles.

On a little lighter note, I remember that "Always Sunny" episode where they "pay tribute" to each other in the fancy restaurant.

I pay you tribute.

I am sorry for your loss from you ectopic pregnancy.

I am very happy your husband found a good job! I've read that gawker.com series "Hello from the Underclass", and been there myself, so that much I can empathize with.

I wish I could offer you more than "just" good wishes, but that is all I can do. Hang in there. You are not alone.

[Leebeeboo]

Thanks, oak. It helps so much just to put it all out there, like sucking the poison out of a snakebite, almost. It still hurts, but it feels less like it's going to kill me. (For the record, regardless of how little regard I have for myself, I know that I am very important to many people, and I would never commit suicide because I can't bear to put them through that pain.)

I've just come to an impasse where I know that I need professional help to climb out of this hole. My attempts at being positive have completely stalled out. I just can't fake it anymore. I am very lucky that I have a husband who is my soul mate. When weighing the options at the time the offer was made, we considered his going alone for a period of time, leaving the girls and I back in our home state. We thought about it for a day or two, and neither of us could even say it out loud without bursting into tears. Neither of us could take the separation. We had to do it together or not at all.

This inability to feel hopeful or happy hurts me so much. Rationally, I know that I am so, so lucky. Hubs was actively sought out because he is exceptional at what he does. He has management in his corner, and is well regarded by his coworkers. Because the cost of living is so much cheaper, I can stay home with my kids, I don't have to play the 'who has to miss time from work because the kids are sick or babysitter called out' game anymore. I get to wake up and be cuddled by some pretty awesome little girls. I don't have to drag my kids out of bed at 5 am anymore. I can work on their reading skills with them. I can make good, healthy food for my family instead of dragging myself to the kitchen after a hellish commute and throw something quick in the oven. I've been reading the Gawker series too. It hits so close to home...we were on the edge of total ruin, and I had just watched my father as he struggled through a layoff in 2008 that cost him his home, a bankruptcy, and his dignity. My parents had just gotten back to even keel when Hubs lost his job, and my savings account had taken a hit too--I couldn't watch my parents go without groceries or heat. I know I am so damned lucky for this. I want my moods and outlook to reflect what I know is true.

My girls are the absolute light of my world. They represent everything I could have been if I had a mother who was encouraging, involved and nurturing. My oldest is my carbon copy, and she too is so exceptionally precocious just like I was. I don't want to be a parent that lives out their dreams through their child...I just want them to have a childhood that they can look back fondly on, and the strength and stability to be anything they want to be. I don't want to be the sad mom. I want to run and skip and play and draw and laugh with them. I want to shape them into wonderful, empathetic, and intellegent women. I don't want my mental illness to hurt them. I grew up with a narcissistic mother who was emotionally and physically abusive, and I see the toll it's taken on me. I can't do that to them. I'd rather die. Going through the motions isn't going to fool them for long. I need to be there, fully present and active for them.

[oak]

Thanks for your posts! They were a highlight of my day.

You are welcome (encouraged!) to take the following thoughts with a grain of salt. Feel free to take or leave.

You say you are tired of trying to fake being positive? If so, that could be good news. I would rather you be honest, even if that means being "negative".

Personally, I'd rather someone yell at me rather than smother the feeling. If someone is passionate about something to yell, hey let's get it all out now!

I see a couple of threads or themes. Again, take or leave.

First up is the hooray for a loving, soulmate husband. Hooray for him! He sounds like a great guy. I celebrate your relationship. I am sure it is not perfect, but soulmate is still pretty good!

Next, hooray for your wonderful children. I celebrate that they are such good little kids.

Yay for taking your time with them now, to hold them, to read to them, to listen to them. Children crave time from adults more than anything. How priceless!

That is one hand. One reality

On the other hand is your depression, and your admirable efforts to find good professional help.

Both hands are real. One hand is full of joy, and the other hand hurts.

Speaking only for myself, I came to love my "other hand", or to at least appreciate my "dark side". By "dark side" I mean all the hurt, all the shit I tried to stuff down.

You have felt alot of hurt. I honor your hurt. I hope you honor your hurt too.

Of course, I just speak for myself.

I am really glad you made it this far. I am super grateful you posted.

[Leebeeboo]

Thank you so, so much oak.

I wake up and fight every day to get through the day. I know I have so much to be grateful for, and I just want to enjoy it.