um hello

[artfulchaos]

This is extremely dfficult for me, I really don't like talking about myself. I dont know if I belong here or even wheat to type. Why am I typing this? To clear my head of the truths I cannot tell myself.

Basic information. Male 19, diploma, chemical plant experience, cannot remember dates/times to save my life, quiet by nature,
Family. Mom and dad separated when I was about 5, mom remarried when I was 7(they've had 4 kids since), my 2 older brothers and I lived with our Mom. I have 4 older (half) brothers the oldest 2 left shortly before the separation to live with their respected mothers. I haven't heard from my oldest brother since then, his face and voice long erased from my memory barely remember his name. I've seen my 2nd oldest bro once since then. My step-father entire existence up till I was 16 was the sound of his belt clicking against itself as he walked around the house, since then I've been around his sister(her husband and kids included) and mom on many occasions. I rarely communicat with any of my other family.
"Friends": It wasnt until high school that I talked to others and considered them as friends.

Problems: social anxiety/panic-attacks, I'm unable to speak properly(let alone think of something to say) if there is more than 1 person im talking to, my hands and feet fail me often in situations as such. They thought of having to speak with stangers or just walking by them on the street sends my heart racing and makes me short of breath. While getting my id I had an attack from standing against the back wall behind everyone , no one was looking at me and I lost conciseness they called the ambulance I didn't come to till I was being drove away in the back of it.
; My family think because I tend to stay to myself and read a books that im some crazy columbine like killer or somethinglike that, verbal abuse/threats constant from my mom couple of swings from her biggest knife, in the shadow of my 2 older brothers.
; the numbness I feel, I cant remember any happiness , everything is bland. I feel no connections to anyone, even if I want to. I've had trouble sleeping waking up at 3 in the morning panicked in a cold sweat, or waking up with Phantom limbs just lying in bed unable to move any of my body forces to stare at the window or wall till my body decides to start listening to me. Music was the only way I was able to feel any sort of emotions but now I cant find anyting to spark any sort of light, there is a pessimistic part of every thought I have reminding myself that I'm just going to fail and no good will every come feom any efforts I make.I know what I want in life, something really simple, to find some sort of happiness. I just dont know how to obtain it, I'm actually smart, I just cant find simple answers I tend to over think\complicate things in my head...
Im sorry if I wasted anyone's time with my (I dont even know whatto call that).

[oak]

Hey artful, welcome to forum, and thanks for posting.

I am glad you found the courage to use your voice, and to post here. Boldness has genius.

Congratulations on your diploma. Also, very good for getting experience in a chemical plant. That kind of work will always have a demand for employees in our modern world.

If I may offer a word of encouragement, I clearly understood what you wrote. IMO you expressed complex, meaningful thoughts in a way that is easy to understand.

So I guess I'm not the only one who feels anxiety when getting an ID: Two weeks ago I had to renew my drivers license, and I felt anxiety, thinking that they would judge me, knowing that they had the authority of the state behind them. You are not alone.

That is cool that music has helped you. What are you listening to these days?

Reading your post was not a waste of my time, but rather I enjoyed it. You post when you feel moved to. I am glad you posted here. That took courage. Take care.

[Anne]

Welcome to our little circle of misfits. I have hope for everyone who listens to the show or something similar.
Hope you'll find what you're looking for.

Also, I like your username.

[artfulchaos]

Thank you both,

To answer you question, ive been listening to a lot of archive lately (kings of speed is my favorite of theirs) but my favorite song is "hikari to kage" by shinji kuno

[CampOutside]

Welcome You definitely did not waste any of my time posting. I hope getting your thoughts out to others has been as much of a help to you as it has been to me.

[mattmason79]

Welcome, artfulchaos. I can really relate to the over thinking things and getting inside your own head.