Strange memories, thoughts, family issues.

[eppersonw]

Hello my name is Wesley, just started listening to the podcast, burning through the back archives as I type this. There have been some memories and thoughts that I've remembered from my childhood, after listening to the podcast and some of the things people have experienced. I guess I should set up the background info first.
My family has been slightly dysfunctional for a long time. My father is a psychologist, addicted to pornography and becomes distant and withdrawn when my mother confronts him about it. He has supposedly been talking to a prostitute on Facebook, but when asked about it he responded that he didn’t know she was a prostitute. His father was in the marines and often absent, basically grew up with a single mother. His parents got divorced, and due to the military life moved around very often. When they lived in California there was a family friend, former marine that took my dad and my uncle camping and fishing. My dad revealed to me that this man sexually molested him. He masturbated in front of them and taught them how to do it, made them do it in front of him. He hasn't given many details, just vague suggestions. He was introduced to both porn and masturbation by this older man around the age of 8-10. This addiction was set up then, and has continued till today. My family is all very religious, and this has fueled the issues.

My mother is passive aggressive and nagging, smothering and manipulatively controlling. She feels that my father’s addiction is a form of adultery, and has used biblical principles to justify her superiority and lack of fault. She has overshared many details to me about the whole relationship. My father cheating on her when she was pregnant with my older brother, their lack of sex life, etc. She has been overweight for many years, and felt that her weight was the reason he seemed uninterested. A few years ago she had the lap band surgery done and has lost lots of weight, but she has said that nothing changed. She constantly tears him down around me and her side of the family, and builds me up. When I open up the car door or the door to a restaurant she says thank you and comments on how good a boyfriend and young man I am. My grandmother once said "Sidney opens the door too doesn’t he?" She responded that I was more consistent and that my father rarely does it anymore, with a long sigh. My father on the other hand does not tear her down; he retreats and becomes distant, stops talking. She always says that I’m handsome and comments on my hair when I get a haircut, "His hair is so beautiful". She often refers to me as "Mr. Wesley", my middle name, and uses very kiddie words like "potty" and other stuff. It's all kind of strange to me and makes me feel uncomfortable, makes me feel like she treats me as a child. Maybe I’m just reading into it though.

So with all of that dysfunction in the background, here are the things I've remembered or thought about again. I personally do not remember ever being molested or messed with, but there are very strange ideas and memories that I recall having as a young kid, things that no kid should think about.

The first one is from kindergarten. I had a very good friend that I would always talk with about building a tree fort. We would talk endlessly about the fort and how it would be built etc. There's a strange idea I had though, nothing I ever shared with my friend. I imagined a table that a person could lay down on and stick their penis through to urinate. I imagine we would trade places back and forth, lying on the table and lying under it, watching each other urinate. I also remember thinking there could be a toilet, and we could take turns defecating and putting our faces into the bowl, smelling the feces. I have no fucking idea where the hell these weird thoughts came from as a child. The idea of waterworks or fecal play disgusts me now, and it’s certainly not something I should've been thinking about. It's just so fucking weird. I never told anyone about this of course.

The second memory is a more humorous one, but still raises some questions. I was at a pre-kindergarten thing and one of the things we often did was artwork and drawing. One day I drew a crucifix with Jesus hanging off of it. The sign that hangs at the top that normally says "King of the Jews", I wrote in "Son of a Bitch". My mother freaked out, asking where I had learned that. I had no idea. I don’t know if these are related or not. There's just a lot that I don’t remember from childhood.
The last memory is of me as a child, probably around 4-6, standing on my bed and turning my backside towards the mirror hanging on the wall across the room. I turned around and spread my buttocks. I remember thinking I needed to get ready, that my whole family would get up on the bed and do the same, because that’s what families do. I again have no idea what caused this.

For many years past normal age I wet the bed, with great shame. I probably continued until I was 5 or so. I remember my parents making me wear specialized underwear that would buzz and give a shock whenever there was liquid. It didn’t work. I remember once I slept on the couch in our living room, not sure why. When I woke up in the morning I had wet the couch, my dad was very angry at me and made me feel shameful. I remember with burrowed eyebrows he said “You’ll never sleep on the couch again.”

One time when I was younger I went over to a church friend’s house for his birthday. We stayed over the weekend and watched movies, played games etc. I recall taking a bath with the other boys there. We all got in the tub together, naked and sat in the water. I remember they pointed at me specifically because I am uncircumcised, uncommon in America. His father was there in the bathroom. I don’t remember how old we were. After that I never really hung out with him or went over to their house.

I don’t know if any of these things are connected or just disparate random events. I don’t remember any kind of link between all of them, and I am cautious about convincing myself of a false memory. I do not want to “remember” that I was molested, accuse an innocent person and fuck anything up. I don’t really know why I posted all this here, just hoping for help. I am in college now, and I’m planning on going to the mental health services counseling center that the university offers. I have never spoken to anyone about any of this, and I feel like I need to. If there’s anyone that has had similar events occur to them or strange memories or thoughts as a child, or anyone with any personal advice, let me know. I love the podcast, and I am looking forward to getting plugged into the community and working through some of my shit.

Sorry for the wall of text, this is my first time telling any of this stuff!

[bitteroldshrew]

The first impression I had after reading your post was how much shame you have put on yourself for things that you couldn't possibly control. When I read about the bedwetting until you were 5 I just felt so sad. It is perfectly normal for children to wet the bed up to that age and sometimes beyond. The problem is that parents freak out and start expecting that their child should be able to control their bladders when their bodies simply are not mature enough to do so. It doesn't sound like you had a very safe emotional home growing up.

I also grew up with a parent who was abused when they were a child... and honestly... I think that if an abused parent doesn't set strong boundaries then there is a kind of secondary abuse that occurs which doesn't include sexual abuse. For instance, with my own mother, she revealed to me at a young age some of the things that had happened to her and it effected me in a very negative way... my views on sex have been very distorted... and I was very weird and fearful and even a little obsessed with sexual things... even though I had no personal experience with it. In fact, outwardly I must have been so obviously "different" that some anonymous person in my church reported that I might have been sexually abused and a police officer came and talked to me about it. That is how much my mother's past abuse effected me, even without being abused myself.

You talked about how as a child you had an idea about pooping and peeing through a hole in a table and honestly... that sounds very age appropriate to me. Children are fascinated by bodily functions... and it is possible that you have spent a lot of time reading more into it than you needed to. Something like that is only weird to an adult... when we look at it in a cultural context.. but to a kid... it sounds kind of funny and intriguing. I think Paul has even talked about "unwanted thoughts" on the show. But basically they are thoughts that we have that we can't understand and are totally disgusted by and ashamed of. Everyone has weird thoughts. Everyone has terrible thoughts. However, they aren't a problem unless we begin to identify with them and think that those thoughts are who we are.

Ultimately I'm not writing all this to say whether or not you were abused or not... but just that... whether you were sexually abused or not... it sounds like you carry a lot of shame and negativity from your past and talking to someone about it and working through it is definitely a good idea. Good luck. *hugs*

[bigeekgirl]

I co-sign everything bitteroldshrew said. All that shame is so painful to your soul. Even if nothing "happened" to you, hearing about your parent's trauma before you were old enough to handle it infected you with their trauma. If you haven't heard this from Paul already, please go look at a picture of yourself at the age of these events. You should have been innocent and what they told you too young removed the innocence you deserved. Even if they didn't mean for it to hurt you, the fact you are ashamed of things like peeing the bed means that little kid was hurt.

My background isn't dissimilar from yours. I'm 33 and just beginning to unpack the baggage of my childhood. Navy brat, parents - mom, dad, and stepdad - came from traumatic up brings, lots of over-sharing of inappropriate for children stuff. It is my opinion that military families are the perfect nesting ground for inappropriate enmeshment and "emotional incest." All the moving causes shallow community roots, isolation from extended families plus one parent getting deployed can lead to a child being "promoted" to a partnership role. I suspect there are many families who don't have this dynamic, but I've known more cases than just mine.

Since you are listening to back episodes, I want to recommend a couple which turned me from not sure what was wrong with me to seeking therapy (again) with a new found understanding of why I turned out all anxious and struggle with everything people take for granted. Every episode is worth a listen and Paul's journey has been amazing to hear over the years, but these are the ones that hit me where I live:

http://mentalpod.com/Therapist-Susan-Hagen

http://mentalpod.com/Co-Narcissism-by-D ... rt-podcast

I wish you the best in your search for answers. It won't always be easy, but it's without a doubt better than living blindly the the consequences of your past and suffering in the present.