Stepping out of my revolving door mind..

[blackrocker]

I suffer from anxiety and depression.. Second guessing myself is a hobby.. also putting myself down and talking to myself inside my own head. when talking to myself out loud it sounds like a podcast, so I started doing a podcast.
I have ADD and dyslexia which makes my amazing mind for writing go to shit with spelling, grammar, and continuity mistakes.
My childhood was spent keeping secrets and I am now a vault for my friends..
This is an introduction so I'm skimming.. I am also listening to the podcast, typing this and listening to Regina Spektor at the same time.. this isn't the best idea because I forget easily.
I think me forgetting things is something I came up with to protect the secrets I was carrying inside my head.. I feel like I have so much information inside my head that I could never possibly recall the information I wanted to recall.. this method of putting myself down has turned my memory from almost photographic (I have very vivid memories and imagination) to somewhat nonexistent. My first response to a question about the past is I don't remember.. and that puts a damper on actually trying to remember..

I was verbally/ mentally abused as a kid.. getting made fun of at home and talked down to.. This fuels my second guessing because I feel Like I could never have the right answer the first time.

Hello everyone else.

[GypsySue]

Hi blackrocker,

thank you for introducing yourself. Something you said struck me - the part about forgetting things. I have a very hard time remembering things and I know it is probably because from an adolescent, I trained myself to forget things immediately as a coping mechanism. I just realized that from your post. I remember a thought I used to meditate on - who will remember this in 10 years? Then I tried wishing the years away. Then I discovered it was more efficient to just forget NOW instead of waiting a year or ten. I'm consciously chosing to remember things now and trying to decide which to keep and which to let go of.

Good luck and keep writing.

~gs