New here.

[scared little girl]

I wanted to go ahead and introduce myself.
I'm not sure what all I should say here, but here goes.

I'm a 36 year old female but at times I feel like the same scared little nine year old girl I used to be.

I've been listening to The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast for a few months now, and it has really helped me to process some of my own feelings on things I have been trying to deal with for a while.

I don't want to go too far in to it (only because once I start, I go on and on and on.... just ask my husband)
Basically, I feel like I had a pretty shitty childhood, (some stuff happened, but I don't know if it counts kind of deal) which I think I could get over if when I told my mother, she would have given me some compassion, but instead, she told me that yeah, the same kind of stuff happened to her as a kid.

But beyond that, we were poor, but my mother won't admit that either. My father was a "hell of a nice guy" but pretty useless as a father, the only way I can describe him is as Jed Clampett minus the striking oil. He basically piddled around the house and couldn't keep a job to safe his life, or more importantly to support his 3 children. Top that off with a f'd up brother (who we now know is Bi-Polar, but that doesn't explain why he touched my sister and me) and a coddling mother... Oh, she didn't coddle me, but she did so with my father and brother... See I'm going on and on.

So I'll just end this with, I have some issues with abandonment because I never felt taken care of, resentment because my mother took such care of dad and brother but treated me like I should be able to handle anything even though I was the baby, anxiety because I never felt safe, and oh f'd up sexually because of the touching, all of which is hard enough to handle, but Mom doesn't want to hear about it, she is passive aggressive, narcissistic, a "religious" idiot who tells me to talk to God about such things, instead of getting help herself in order to learn how to show me the empathy I deserve.

Oh gee, I could go on...

But in spite of all this crap, I am trying to enjoy my life... Oh, but in the mean time if I do something nice for myself my mother who lives in filth and is still taking care of my 40 year old brother, calls me materialistic and trashes my husband and his family, and she has given ME shit about how I've tried to raise my daughter.

It's just one big hypocritical mind f**k, but I'm so glad to have this forum to share on because as before mentioned, hubby is getting tired of hearing about it.

But I must talk to someone, because unlike meat products, emotions are always better, if processed.

[hermitcat]

Ok, more thoughts. So far each time I write something I keep on thinking back that I did not actually say everything I was trying to. One thing is in regards to your mother and her religious background. I grew up with deeply religious parents, though I would not consider them spiritual. I'm gonna preface this by saying that I know Christians that are spiritual, like it is actually about their relationship with God and not escapism, and I can respect that though I believe something different. But then I also know Christians where it is all about justifying their own childhood pain. I put my parents into that category, though I'm sure it is more complicated than just that. What I have found with them is that the regret becomes too massive for them to take on. Meaning that they could never rethink their faith. Their faith goes hand in hand with their own abuse. The longer you live with that the harder it is to break. This is one reason why it matters so much to me to work through my shit now and not pass it on. I have been afraid to have children. I even see myself treating my husband the way my mother would treat me, and that scares me to death. But something he says to me, repeatedly, has really helped. He tells me I am not my mother because I notice what I'm doing. And at some point I stop, reflect on it, and generally 30 minutes later apologize. And you know what...? I can work with that, I could make that 20 minutes, I could make it zero one day. But right now I just feel like I'm climbing a mountain, crossing my fingers about whether I'll be a mother or not.

My Grandfather was a terrifying man. He was regarded highly in the community I grew up in, he was a minister. To me he was just the man I should never upset. When he was on his death bed he requested to see another family member he had exiled for years because of his views. He apologized to that person before died. When I heard this story as an adult it struck me. Somewhere inside his rage and anger he knew the truth. All his life he knew, and he didn't have the courage to face it until he knew he was leaving. That makes me think that we all know a bit more than we are willing to admit. It is within us... somewhere. You may never receive it from your mother, and I have yet to find a way for that to not hurt. But by you dealing with this stuff you are stopping the cycle. Even if you do the same thing, if you offer the apology your mother is incapable of giving then you have broken the cycle. Clearly it helps me to break things down into simple rules, but it does help to slow the fast and painful words that just come breaking in sometimes. I also think venting the anger out when it needs to come out is the best release. So yeah, these are my final thoughts...? At least for now.

-Hermitcat

[ifelldown]

I can relate on the religious front.

My father is extraordinarily dependent on his religion as a coping mechanism -- according to my mother this is something he developed after their divorce, but I was too young to remember otherwise.

What's frustrating is when they think God is the answer to everything? "Oh, you're lonely? It's because you don't have God in your life." - "You wouldn't be so sad if you trusted God to take care of you." etc. It's frustrating, and my father wonders why he can't be a part of my life.

It must be difficult when you have a mother who can't even give you the love and care you deserve, and I'm sending you a hug right now.