Hello, Moe from Orange County, CA

[manuel_moe_g]

I am 40 years old, male, depressed all my life, suffering from anxiety all my life, specifically social anxiety and anxiety around romantic relationship.

Had my biggest breakdown at the age of 25, that was when I got serious about getting professional help and taking medication and changing the trajectory of my life.

I am married now, our little family includes a smart and silly daughter. Our little house is loud with contention, fighting, sarcasm and criticism, but also laughter and warmth and taking about feelings and life goals and moral principals. I feel lucky, considering my profound isolation in college.

The biggest help to me has been Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Prozac had a big effect on me, and was a life changer, but the effect diminished to practically nothing. I take Neurontin and Effexor, and I don't wish to modify my medication or dosages, because I am quite stable now (still have what I would describe as manageable depression and anxiety, manageable with treating myself with cognitive behavior therapy).

Haven't had great long-term experiences with therapists, so I haven't seen one in years.

My challenge currently is staying productive while in a depressed state. I am terrified that all my dreaming of accomplishments was nothing more than a distraction, because I cannot turn any of my goals into motivation. My temptation is to barely push myself at all, and give in to any distraction or time-wasting amusement, and then just sleep my life away.

[BCZF]

Hello,

Welcome!

[dare i say it]

Hi Moe,

Wow! It never ceases to amaze me how much I have in common with people here. I don't have any kids, but other than that I felt like I could have cut-and-pasted most of your intro into mine. I especially appreciated your thoughts on motivation and having to push yourself. I'm starting to have some success with cognitive behavioral therapy myself. I don't really know anything about Rational Emotive therapy. Is it similar to CBT? Is there anything about it that you really liked or didn't like? Thanks.

Dan

[manuel_moe_g]

Hi Dan,

I am pretty sure that in practice that Rational Emotive therapy and CBT are the same thing. No use splitting hairs.

I like them because I can do them on my own with the help of books. It is frustrating that I have to make several attempts on any technique, again and again, before it works, but I think that is just the way it goes. If I had to drag along a therapist through all my attempts, I would feel more depressed and would really feel to give up, so I just cannot see myself using a therapist.

I am now coming back to the idea that I must constantly push past the boundaries of my comfort zone, so I can be more and more capable. I wish I was the kind of person who just decided to do something and then could just start doing something and keep it up. But it always feels like a battle do the things that would be most loving towards myself.

[dare i say it]

Thanks for the info. I fell like you do about those techniques. I can scratch and claw my way toward progress, but I don't always have the energy for that. I've been told that at some point it gets easier. I have a background in math and science so I really appreciate a rational/logical approach to things.

I bet you've heard this spiel before. I know I have. Treat yourself the way you would treat a close friend. If you can accept other people's mistakes and weaknesses, then there must be a way for you to accept your own. Maybe the next time I hear it, it will sink in a little more.

Dan

[Paul Gilmartin]

Moe,
Wow. Like Dan, I felt like you were describing me. Sorry you have to deal with it, but glad I'm not the only one who does. Every day I have a nagging voice telling me I will never accomplish what I could, and its because I'm undisciplined, lazy and weak. Most days I know that voice is a lie, but holy shit on those days when I believe it. Dark.

So welcome. I gave you a little shout out on the Paul F Tompkins episode. I saw how active you are in the forum and wanted to throw a little love your way because it made me feel good that people are not only utilizing this forum to help themselves, but to try to help other people.

Paul

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Mr. Gilmartin

I was surprised by the shout-out. It is easy to be active on this forum, because it is full of wonderful interesting people.

Your podcast and your replies in the forum are so full of warmth, hearing you describe yourself on the show negatively, it sounds like you are talking about another guy. You had your three co-hosts on your show, and the ease of honest warm conversation says a lot about the true you. Thanks to you and your web tech team!

[frogspit]

Hey Moe!
As others, I hear myself in your words. Once again I too find myself (dare I say it) stable and making it through my daily battles, not with finesse but in that clumbsy, I just got out of bed and I can't think yet way! After 40 years, I finally understand that I must take an active role in my depression, as you have, no one else can truely help me no matter how much they love me!
Are you ever astonished at the people who simply do not get what it is all about? Those chosen few who seam to be unwaivered and are certain that if we wanted to we could just decide to feel better?
AMY

[manuel_moe_g]

in that clumbsy, I just got out of bed and I can't think yet way!

I know that feeling well. At 40 years old, 15 years past my major breakdown, I am living a life that by my old standard I would consider a failure. But today I consider just trying to be a success, and any external positive outcome is just gravy. If the outside world keeps giving me negative outcome again and again from one of my behaviors, I will consider changing that behavior, but for now I am just concentrating on keeping trying, because, to me, feeling like a failure risks me breaking down and back-sliding into a dangerous place.

Are you ever astonished at the people who simply do not get what it is all about? Those chosen few who seam to be unwaivered and are certain that if we wanted to we could just decide to feel better?

I was just talking to my mom this morning - she suffers from depression too - about this. I am working so hard to do right by myself, and seem to have not enough time and energy, that I cannot waste any time and energy thinking about jerks. I too am astonished at those jerks, but those jerks can't/won't give me any help even when I am slumped forward almost dead because I am empty inside, the only attention I can get from those jerks is negative judgement and criticism. Well, that is no kind of deal, so forget about their opinion! If they can easily ignore me when I am in pain, then I can easily ignore them if they are only good for sniping and judging.

Once again I too find myself (dare I say it) stable and making it through my daily battles

The best part of this is that you are giving yourself the love we all know you deserve! All the best, cheers!

[dare i say it]

Are you ever astonished at the people who simply do not get what it is all about?

Yes! And often. It seems like a lot of people either have no first-hand experience with things like deep depression, or else their else their experience was mild, or it went away pretty much on its own. So, for them, it seems perfectly normal to say things like "suck it up" or "we all get down on ourselves sometimes" or "everyone gets nervous from time to time." When I come across someone who just doesn't get it, the most compassionate response I've come up with is to say, "Your point of view suggests that you don't have first-hand experience in this area which is good because I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy."

That being said, don't let ignorant people or anything else keep you from reaching out for the help you need. Keep bugging your doctor and/or therapist until you life is the way you want it to be. If they run out of ideas, then maybe it's time to get a new doctor or therapist, or maybe there's a supprot group you can do, or listen to this podcast, or get a recommendation for a good book to read that might help you. Okay, Dan, enough with the unsolicited advice.