A life upside down.

[DeviantDaisy]

Hey all. Just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Daisy and I have ignored my problems for so long that I let them take everything from me. I am an avid writer who tries to record my flashbacks with a pen.

I feel if I told my story, all of it, it would be way too hard for people to believe. Hell I wouldn't believe it myself probably. I have finally learned that my abuser is not God. That realization made a total fool out of me. CSA/rape is the perfect crime. It's the only crime I know of where the victim works harder to suppress it than the perpetrator. My abuse started (that I can remember) when I was 5. I am fascinated by the stages of change it went through. First, you're too young to know its wrong; as long as it doesn't hurt. Then that little voice that even small children possess starts to say "this doesn't feel right". When I started to protest he started to use violence to " make it hurt". Well that didn't work well because I'm as tough and stubborn a girl as you'll ever meet but then he found my Achilles heel .. He started to threaten my little sisters. I became everything he wanted me to be and all he had to say is "I wonder what ( Daisy's little sister ) is doing?" I tried to tell someone once. That didn't work out very well. So silence seemed the way to go. By the time you know you should be telling someone you know they are gonna ask "why did you let it go on this long" and I've never been prepared to answer that question.

His father was a high ranking police officer who knew about the situation and encouraged it. He was horribly abusive to my abuser and I'm not sure if that's why but I cant seem to hold anger towards him. It's so frustrating.

I am a straight female with beautiful kids and an "it's extremely complicated" relationship status. My relationship is very toxic but he is my soulmate. He is as broken as I. I have been living with physical and emotional abuse for many years. I believe that I can be emotionally abusive also .. And I hate myself for it.

I have been through many professionals. Most quit on me because my situation is "over their heads". I did have a therapist I really liked, and saw for a few years. He ended up moving and that was that. Then there was the guy who wanted to use my "case" to write some kind of thesis on. Nothing like being put on display. What a douche. I have a very difficult time relating to women. I think I'm as upset with my mother for letting this happen as I am the actual perpetrator. No fair, I can see that but I can't help it.

Just found the podcast in the tub last night and felt like I should be here. We'll see how that goes.

So hi everyone. I hope this message finds you safe and out of harms way. Blessed be. )o(

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello DeviantDaisy, welcome to the forum! Glad to see you are already contributing to the threads and topics here!

Under the main "Board index" is "View active topics" which let you keep up on all the activity here.

I read your post, and I am sorry for all the pain and suffering that you have gone through. You don't deserve such pain and suffering. Please be self-loving, you need to be self-loving. The outside world has let you down in ways that you just didn't deserve.

Please take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow! Thanks for joining and participating!

[RabbitPoo]

Welcome! Glad you found this podcast and hope you can find healing and support. That sounds like a really difficult situation to be in. I wish you all the best!