Welcome to My Cornucopia of Crap

[DivaKnevil]

Hi everyone. I have been listening to the podcast for awhile and decided I needed to check out the forum. I have battled depression for as long as I can remember and was diagnosed with PTSD in my 30’s as a result of childhood abuse. My mother was emotionally absent to the point that I referred to her as my “zombie mom”. My stepfather was a minister and religion was used as a weapon against women in his flavor of worship. I was never allowed to know, ask, or speak anything about my biological father but I did find him when I was 18 which caused a huge rift between my parents and I. I have always been the black sheep. I am alienated from my family even today. I have been a repeat victim of domestic violence, as well. Once it involved a stalking in which my stalker landed in a state mental hospital for about a year. The DA ended up allowing my stalker to plead out the charges related to what he did to me. (Slap in my face!) Thankfully, it seems that I may have that piece of my life figured out now. I have worked as a probation officer, domestic violence advocate, and child abuse investigator. My position as a child abuse investigator involved working in a very hostile environment (not for the reasons one would expect either) and caused some trauma. This sounds silly to me even as I type it. I am the parent of an adult with what used to be referred to as Asperger’s Syndrome (my second born). My daughter, who is a bit delayed, was molested by my ex’s brother. Most recently, though, I was informed that my oldest child, who has not communicated with me in the last few years, is currently sitting in a federal penitentiary for using a file sharing site to look for pornography of allegedly 17 year old girls when he was 19 according to him. I don’t know how to feel about this because victimization of underage girls in the porn industry is horrible but he is a young man who would naturally still be rightfully interested in 17 year old girls. Yet how do I really know this is what he actually did. We are now talking but the topic has been difficult to discuss in the 5 minute calls I get here and there. I feel quite a bit of guilt over this as well even though I know I didn’t control his actions. I have been unemployed in the typical sense for the last year which has also contributed to depression via financial difficulties. So this is my cornucopia of crap. I came here because I felt I needed to get some perspective on everything that has gone on. I need to feel I am not alone and try to get beyond the abyss of sadness I feel looking back at all that. I have typically always been able to work through things and get to a point where I can turn things into a growing experience but with my oldest son’s situation is a really big cherry on the poo sundae. Anyway. That is my life, the ugly parts anyway. There is plenty more but I was hoping to connect with people who could relate to some of my stuff.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello DivaKnevil, welcome to our little forum! Make yourself at home in the threads and topics here!

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Thanks for writing that introduction, you didn't deserve to have so much crap thrown your way while you were suffering. You are not alone, you will find that out here.

All the best, keep the lines of communication open, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow. Take care.