Anxiety-based depression

[Sherlock]

LimtedAdventure... boy, I can't tell you how much a sense of humor can still help you. It can hinder you, yes, especially if you use it as a control mechanism--it sounds like boys I knew and still know from high school that just couldn't take anything seriously, if that's where you're getting at? Like you had to make everything into a joke even if a topic was serious.

If you can balance humor and empathy I think the path in front of you will widen into really great friendships; people love to laugh and if you like to make them laugh, all the better. But it's always important to know the time and the place.

I think we're sort of opposites here; I was very coerced by "friends" in elementary school to constantly repeat the same jokes--impressions basically--and I was their little clown out of fear that they would abandon me. I still have the capacity to make people laugh but I'm very hesitant because I've become so sensitive. I'm better at "getting real" with people, which hinders my relationships with certain people who are more the laid-back or happy-go-lucky type--I come across as serious even though I have every capacity to be more loose and humorous, I just keep it inside probably out of fear of looking like a weirdo. I'm definitely the type to come up with jokes that totally fly over people's heads--I really appreciate the people in my life who get my jokes, of course. It was practically the foundation for my one and only "romantic" relationship in high school--we had a lot of inside jokes.

What keeps me from reaching out is that thing I just mentioned: just being very serious. And I tend to go to the same people. I just like to space it out and not over-burden them. One of them is my best friends, but unfortunately she gets used by a lot of people because she has such strong loyalty--she's cool about it but then can get really frustrated because she's truly an introvert. We get along great but sometimes we just have different perspectives--it's kind of to the point where I just anticipate what her answers will be. She's very quietly optimistic so if I have some weird issue--like yesterday, an acquaintence of mine that actually knows HER better went on a kind of weird ramble that summed up to me would basically be Social Darwinist propaganda, but it was on something so minor I imagine her answer being like, "He's probably just kidding; he doesn't really think that." She's that type of person--sort of like me in seeing how there's good in everyone, but much less likely to question her relationship with people if it's not on her own terms. Meanwhile I'm like "I want to defriend this motherfucker"--so I just emailed my therapist and ranted it all out instead.

Then there's my ex-boyfriend--he's just busy and has a wider group of friends than I do. He's hard to catch just one-on-one. He's still someone I can cry into his shoulder about anything but I dunno... he's also shown signs after we broke up of still really liking me, so it's like I don't want to lead him on. He's a special case. He's also someone whose answers I can predict--things I worry about, for him, it's like "Well finding out the answer to that question won't make your life any better..." super smart guy, he's just way less insecure than me or the previous best friend I mentioned, so he has less dire questions in his head I imagine. He's a lot more solid (or stubborn depending on how you look at it).

I have another friend... he's just plain busy. He says "talk to me! it's cool!" but seriously he's a constantly travelling musician. He's also sort of in this place where he just doles out advice that's so purely optimistic it just doesn't always fit... I dunno. I'm definitely afraid to reach out to him just because I don't want to impose on his life.

Then there's a more recent friend I've made--we can joke about things and complain about things at once, which is great. It's just that he's a lot more nihilistic and pessimistic than I am--I check up on how he's feeling about as much as I dump on him. Also a busy guy but less busy than the previous... sometimes I just know he won't have much of an answer for me because he's so pessimistic.

Everyone else in my life is either family who are SO NOT OPTIONS to talk to about most things it's barely even funny--like a slim possibility of it being funny if you weren't in my position--or they're friends I'm not close enough to where I feel comfortable reaching out, even just for something like "do you wanna hang out" out of fear of rejection or just conflicting schedules. Got a local punk rock band lyric for that one: "Enjoy the time you spend with all of your friends/Because once high school's over most of it will end/Either they move away go to college or start on their careers/So let's enjoy this time while most of us are here." Iiiiit's basically exactly what happened.

Basically I wanna get to a point where a conversation with my friends isn't either masking true feelings or dumping on them--where everything's genuinely swell and I can relax and just enjoy the moment with them.

BlackHole,

Glad to find a fellow on the forums.

Honestly sometimes I have trouble accepting the punk rock label even though what you said about it being a sanctuary is as true for you as it is for me--I guess I feel weird "punk guilt" because I haven't listened to certain bands and don't go out to enough local shows anymore. I'm kind of at an overall stasis when it comes to music right now, just listening to bands I've loved from 14-18 years old and finding it hard to get into anything new, unless the band put out something new itself.

Still, it was only last year--fuck, a few months ago, in September, when my brother was hospitalized for trying to kill himself. It just so happened my favorite local punk band of all time (quoted in my signature) were playing a reunion show. I was a fucking wreck and drunk going into the show. Then when I meet everyone I know... I just don't hold back; they ask me how I am, I tell them exactly what happened, reaction is the same. Sympathy, hugs--in one case, a guy from a band I used to devoutly follow when I was about 15-16 years old bear-hugged me, which actually makes me tear up a bit just thinking about it. Not only did most of them know my brother they just... could fucking handle that heavy shit. I was so fucking happy to be there that night, drinking with my friends, talking about real shit, joking around, then seeing one of my ultimate favorite bands ever for the first time drunk and rocking out so hard (the guys who originally formed the band? Visited my brother in the hospital. Again, I'm tearing up just thinking about it).

Punk rock is magical to me for it's community. You surpass just being a fan--you can become friends to these people. They can be your mentors or your solace or your savior, through music or just simply through being present and not having this arrogant wall of "too cool to talk to" around them.

So pretty much yeah, it's gonna be a lifer thing for me. I predict in my future, when I feel better, when I'm moved out, when I have my own income--I'll be back out there going to shows and supporting bands, and trying out punk rock bands I still have yet to give a fair chance.

Gotta say though, I love the Dead Milkmen. They're coming around to my part of the world I think sometimes in the next few months but I don't think I'll have the doe for it--gonna see what I can do to try and make it. I really want them to play "Stuart" just so I can yell out the lyrics... or a shitload of other songs of theirs I just know the entire lyrics too.

[LimitedAdventure]

Hi Blackhole, thank you for sharing that. There can never be enough of you're-not-aloneness! I'm sorry you're going through it as well. I wanted to give you props, tho, for posting that EPIC list of resources over in that other thread. I pray that everyone who comes to mentalpod looking for that sort of help can find your post, it's here...

http://mentalpod.com/forum/viewtopic.ph ... 362#p25362

Hi Sherlock, you & I are actually right in the same spot. For me, these days, I rarely try to be funny. It rarely even crosses my mind.

In fact, there'll sometimes be gaps in conversation at work, where I will consciously notice, "Huh, this is one of those silences I used to try to fill with something funny to try to make sure I kept the tone of this conversation light so it didn't turn into picking on me." And then I'll let that gap go by, and not say anything, and it gives me peace!

Yes, these days I only want to really talk about Real Shit. I can talk about gossip or job stuff but the only thing I really want to talk about, even though I know I can't talk about it allll the time, is just basic Real Shit. And so, like you, I guess I must also put that vibe out there, but I think people mistake it for something else... sadness or heaviness or complicatedness, when it's really I think, for me, and I bet this is true for you too, it's just substance.

Just the other day at work I was walking in and I come to this hallway and I turn the corner and there's someone who I kind of know at the other end of the hallway and this person follows me into my little office and is all, "Are you OK? Your face, you seem a little down." And this was from the other end of the hallway!! I'm not a tragic or negative person I swear! But there's that anxiety-based depression that has fucking pwned me most of my life and up until just a few years ago I haven't had the vaguest notion of what it was or what to do about it.

So, I think to myself something like this when I need it. "OK, it's all about acceptance and forgiveness now. I'm not popular, I don't have close relationships in my life, people don't flock to me. People don't ask me to hang out. I'm not that person. As much as I wanted to be that person, I'm not. And, I accept and forgive myself for being who I am. And I choose to perceive myself based on my strengths, and not on my weaknesses." I grab onto that and just think it when I catch myself going to that place where I start mentally itemizing and inventorying all my regrets.

[Auntrand]

I am also suffering from everything you have mentioned above

[LimitedAdventure]

Hi, Auntrand, and welcome! I'm fairly new here as well. Thank you for sharing that.

This is a very cool place. Do you have anxiety and depression? How are you doing with it?

[Pandora'sboxinmymind]

Hi all, my older brother showed me this podcast, and it helps a lot to know that other people can relate, as I don't have anyone close willing to talk about it. I seek help from professionals as I feel the people closest to me don't understand, probably for the best. I am in my last year of high school and find it excruciating, feeling socially inept due to my anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and suggested acrophobia. For a long time I never discussed it because people that I knew were skeptical about these problems existing in a seventeen year olds life. I truly believe I am still alive because of my brother, who made me who I am, sharing films, authors, music, games. As well as this I have no memory of my life prior to high school, and it's hazy after that. Only after a larger dose of the only anti depressant gp's will prescribe to me at my age I have felt a spark come back, but that's all. I still have panic attacks regularly, and wonder how everyone else seems so good at hiding their conditions. Due to a lack of self confidence I mostly keep quiet, noticing everyone around me, and knowing how it feels to be the odd one out of my friends.

[BlackHole]

Hi Pandora'sboxinmymind,

I absolutely 100% get what you are experiencing. Growing up is challenging enough without the added extra mental and emotional issues. The truth is that there are so many people out there who quietly and secretly suffer from mental illness. Many get by by white knuckling it and just faking it until they make it, all the while hoping that no one catches on. I went that route for the longest until things got so bad that I ultimately attempted suicide at age 28 and again at 30. All throughout school, K-12, and into my late 20's, my only surefire coping mechanism was keeping to myself.

As I've aged, I've come to realize this: there are billions of people in this world, many who go unnoticed because there is nothing particularly memorable about them. But we, those of us who are socially awkward and don't really fit in anywhere, we stand out! We are different! We are unique! And that's AWESOME! Look at all of these brilliant folks who made names for themselves in this world, many who suffered from mental illness: Hunter S. Thompson, Bukowski, Van Gogh, Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf . . . All extremely intelligent and creative people, and all very tortured by their own minds.

You are catching your illness while you're still young. Doing so may save you from a lot of hardship later on in life. Just like everyone around you at school, you have your own personality. You just happen to be on the quieter side. There's nothing wrong with it. Let it be. In the meantime, continue confiding in your brother, continue with your hobbies, continue with your treatment. You have a good chance at living a happy fulfilling life if you just hang on a bit longer.

I don't know if any of that helps. The key is really just to keep your mind occupied with healthy things that make you happy.

[Pandora'sboxinmymind]

Hi blackhole, thank you for replying, I love the bit you wrote about famous minds being known for their differences, I love having real, plutonic conversations with people, as I don't find that easy to come by with people my age. I know I'm unique, and a growing person, and that these awful feelings make me more aware of others who need help, as I'm sure you can relate. My main goals are confidence and forgiving myself for only being human when I get these feelings. Even though everything seems overwhelming for me right now, I get comfort through talking with like minded people. Thank you.

[LimitedAdventure]

Hi Pandora's Box, I totally understand. I think when a young person is suffering, adults find it convenient to say, "Oh s/he's just being dramatic." Fucking ignorant, lazy, sorta even narcissistic way out.

We humans are programmed instinctively to form groups. Going all the way back to caveman times, our two most basic human survival skills are to explore our environment, and form groups. Unfortunately today, becoming a member of a group of friends can become challenging as we now live in this snarky, elitist culture where people validate themselves by invalidating other people by excluding them from their group. And, that's where what BlackHole said comes into play. If people choose not to accept you, fuck 'em. Be like the many famous social outcasts in history who at some point said those two magic words. "Fuck" and "them." And they went on and did their own thing and millions of people loved them for it!!

It's hard to do, I understand. I think what makes it so challenging is that we're wired genetically to get in that group of friends, some group, someplace. And when we can't, it's fucking painful, I know. And then your confidence goes and self-doubt sets in and before you know it, anxiety arrives on the scene and then anxiety mentally fatigues you, making it easy for depression to take over. That was how it worked with me, anyway. And so today, I'm managing anxiety-based depression. For years and years, I could not turn that corner, and stop asking myself why don't they like me why don't they like me why don't they like me, and I still ask myself that to this day. But today, unlike when I was in school, mental health resources are plentiful, and I've been 5ish years in therapy and am finally starting to make some progress, but my thinking patterns are unfortunately 40 years old, as I'm now a middle-aged man. You, however, are young and you're getting to work on this early and God Bless You for it!

My best advice, if I may, is to check out some of the discussions here, and immerse yourself in some reading about anxiety and depression. The one that started my personal work was "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy." But you may want to try several books until you find one where the author and the format of the book resonates with you and you feel comfortable. Take it slowly, be patient with yourself, and use compassionate self talk.

And, it's great you're getting meds from your gp. Try to be patient, I know it's hard, it unfortunately takes some time for meds to start to have an effect, as I understand it they have to build up in your system over time before they start to work. And it may take some time to fine-tune your meds. But once you get that right combination, it'll be a really great change. And one other thought would be to try getting with a therapist and doing some talk therapy. If you're limited in funds, here's a link to another message in the forum where BlackHole posted a list of low cost or even no cost resources. You actually do not need a ton of money to find a therapist!

mentalpod.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=10100&p=25362#p25362

(I think some of those resources are for california but I think some are for people everywhere)

Good luck to you Pandora's Box and keep us posted, and God Bless.

[Pandora'sboxinmymind]

Hi LimitedAdventure, I have been seeing a therapist, and will continue to, I find it good talking to someone, but I get stressed and rarely remember the session. It is hard to find the right times between school and I sometimes feel like a burden, as my parents have to drive me there. I started at a college because high school was awful, so I am a new student trying to find my way again. I hope to get it over and done with, and I try to be positive, but most days I can't make it out of bed. The greatest influence on my mood is my older brother, but he is in his twenties and will leave home soon. I feel as though I always have to keep occupied just to keep my mind off of the negative, and sometimes don't look after myself very well, which is why school is good for me, getting me up in the morning and keeping me occupied, no matter the anxiety and discomfort that is associated from moving schools and being bullied in the past.

[LimitedAdventure]

Hi Panora, well, fwiw, I personally think it's great you have parents who are supportive of you going to therapy. Mine weren't, and so I didn't get started until much later.

As for feeling like a burden, I totally understand that. I feel like a burden anytime anybody does anything for me. Over the years, though, I've started making peace with the fact that, if someone is offering something, and it's important, take them up on it. Because sometimes people get a sense of satisfaction out of helping others. It took me a long time to let anyone help me with anything. But then I started to imagine, what if I wanted to help someone else with something and they didn't let me? I guess my feelings might get a little hurt.

I'm so sorry you were bullied, it affects people in so many different ways. I experienced it, and I know that it changed me. Have you talked with your therapist about that? It's interesting you're experiencing anxiety going to the therapist, what do you make of that?