I thought this would be a nice place to express some things then get some advice on ways to forgive myself, others and how to stay positive... what have you tried? Does anyone feel the way I do? I try to speak to my family and acquaintances but they don't understand the magnitude of what I feel and it is hard to make new friends which I need since I feel like this time in my life I would just be kind of dumping everything on them. I am officially being kicked out at the end of the month and it finally made me realize how alone I am and I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last week or so and I keep coming up with the fact that it HAS to be my fault... I am being punished for something. It seems like everyone has this core group of friends that I simply don't have anymore. I am getting angrier and more stressed and when I force myself to go out I just feel irritated. I have had relationship issues that were not even my own.. I will get into that. I was at a crowded wine bar and 2 people next to me went to get up. I put my stuff down and a couple came up and said they asked for those seats, well... they had a seat already and suggested I go sit way in the corner at a single seat. I said "Nope! I have been on my feet all day working an event and you have a seat already" and part of it was because it was a couple and I will be darned if I have to cowtow to them.. I know maybe that is a bit exaggerating... I stopped going on facebook and will be off for a while because I am so tired of reaching out to classmates in my area and getting nothing or seeing everyone's 'blessed" lives...
I wanted to tell you about some seminal moments that have shaped this for me. Growing up I had a lot of heath issues and a lot of loss at a young age. I was bullied a lot and never really dated, most men told me I was gross or looked at me like a little sister, everytime there was an event I was moved from table to table or room to room, no one wanted to be near me.... my Freshman year of college I was hoping for a new start but my father became abusive and I still lived at home. My family could be controlling so I couldn't move to the dorms. I acted out and I was dealing with depression and other things but not trying to fix it. I didn't make any shows and I guess my teachers decided I never would, but didn't tell me until before graduation. My dad died when I was a Sophomore and I was given "special" treatment like not having to do serious scenes.. in hindsight I wish I took more control over my education. My brother started dating a frenemy girl in my class and his friends kind of took over that friend group and it ruined my senior year. I was finally asked out on my first real date at 22 and entered into a 6 year relationship. 3 of which had no intimacy and he never told me why. Around the time of our breakup I met a man who I started to see and work with, he invited me to LA since I won a contest to go to a movie premier. He said he would front me the money for the project we were working on so I could go One night his roommate raped me and that made the man strand me in LA without a dime. My family begrudgingly sent me money and thought I was so stupid to have gone.
A couple friends were in abusive relationships and they got me involved and all I heard about was how ugly they thought I was and how horrible I was because I was worried about the fact that they were slapping my friends and being controlling. I worked for a year with the state then headed to NYC for an internship and stayed with a friends mom. I lost it after 2 weeks because they said they needed more of an editor than a PR person. I stayed for 7 months with some crazy roommates. My friend invited me to move to LA and stay with her and her boyfriend and I did it, I got an internship and after a couple months friends boyfriend decided to try to have sex with me. I said no, he told my friend that I hit on him and they kicked me out in the middle of the night, threw half my stuff away and defamed me online.
I then moved in with an acquaintance who not only treated me like her slave, but rented out a room that was probably illegal, she got pregnant and her boyfriend ended up being insane, stalking me, I had to get a restraining order against him and she left the state with her child leaving me with her animals and to deal with her boyfriend.
I was a live in nanny for almost a year and that was quite calm, when that ended I moved in with my now ex/roommate who never looked at me like a girlfriend and I am pretty much paying my rent through sex... we try to be friends but he is very volatile and I know he has caused trouble with my true love, the guy I met through him who broke my heart and hates my guts now... clearly he was my last chance but even he I don't think ever referred to me as "girlfriend" now I have people telling me I need to get used to being alone when I have always been alone and I have no one to turn to and no one understands that I could be homeless soon!!! I feel like if my relationship with Mike, the one who won't talk to me would have worked out I wouldn't be in this mess... and I miss him horribly and on top of wanting a place to stay I wish he would talk to me and I wish I didn't feel so damn alone. Thank you for listening...
