Feel like life is over

[Cernan]

Hi everyone, I've suffered from mental illness in the form of Depression and Anxiety for a while now, but lately it's been really bad. It started about 2 years ago during Christmas when I noticed I'd been feeling really crummy physically for a while. Since then I've been to numerous doctors and psychological professionals but no one can tell me what's wrong with me or how to fix it.

All they can tell me is that I have increased inflammation but they don't know what's causing it. As a result I feel tired all the time, coupled with my diabetes and my depression I don't have many good days. I just stopped working after a contract of mine ended, I've got savings to last me about a year but I honestly don't know what I'm going to do next. I could only do the work I was doing because my boss was awesome and understood mental illness and let me work from home or take time when I needed to. But now that's over because it was the government who was paying for it and it's a non-profit so she can't hire me.

Lately I just sit at home on the computer, I go on gaming websites a lot, I've got a thing for a girl on one of them but she has a boyfriend and lives 1500 miles away or so, I guess it's just loneliness. I have tried to interact with gaming communities but invariably I run into a rude person and lose my temper and just leave. I've never liked conflict so I always just withdraw. I never used to be this angry person but my illness is turning me in to something I'm not.

Honestly I wish I could just kill myself. I see no future and can't stand the thought of living like this another 30-40 years. (I'm in my early 30s now) But I'm riddled with guilt about it because I don't want to hurt my family. That's really the only thing that keeps me from doing it. Another fantasy I have is to just sleep for the rest of my life, when I'm asleep there's no pain, there's no sadness and there's no loneliness. Sleeping is really the most enjoyable part of my day.

Anyway, I'm just here for someone to talk to, maybe to listen too as I enjoy helping people and doing nice things for people. I feel like I'm a lost cause. The one thing that's kept me going for this long is hope, and my tank is almost empty in that regard.

[stoptellingmetosmile]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Social media makes me more depressed instead of less, so I stay away from it unless I am feeling more than halfway functional.Otherwise I listen to podcasts and audiobooks instead -- and read if I have the energy. I've been where you are -- depression cost me my career more than ten years ago and I have been scratching by on freelance work ever since.Julie Fast's book was a big help for when I had to start getting my life more or less in order -- the title is something like "getting it done when you're depressed." It won't do much for your chronic pain, though, but I can send some Reiki in your direction. Your life isn't over -- you still have stuff to do.