HI I AM NEW AND UNCOMFORTABLE

[TXKYNY]

Hey there. I just began listening to the podcast. I have been in therapy for a year now for depression, self-injury and co-dependence (a new revelation, goodie!). So what do I share here? I am 25 and have been cutting since I was 11. Does that mean I have been struggling with my depression since them? While listening to the podcast, I have heard guests and surveys that accurately pinpoint exactly how I feel sometimes. That is good. I have a wonderful circle of friends around me, family that I struggle with but they ultimately love me to and yet I still feel how I feel. I am not used to talking about my depression and it feels very strange to post here in a forum which is why this post is all over the place. My therapist has been suggesting I join a DBT group. Does anyone out there have experience with this? I am not comfortable sharing my feelings, which is part of the reason I am trying out this forum. Maybe I can use discussions on this forum as a step toward being more open about myself and joining a DBT group.

[inmymind]

HI TXK...

Great job on your part for reaching out. This forum doesn't get a lot of posting, but there are some regulars. I check in every once and a while. I have battled with depression on and off. I think it will help you if you share with others. I think you should share with both people that have and haven't had depression, but this is a great place to start.

I never cut myself, but dealt with things in other ways. I would like to understand the depths of what cutting does for you in combating your depression. I'm not sure combatting was the right word, but tell me how you started cutting. Why did you want to do that? Did you see or hear that someone else did it, or did it just come naturally? Were you punishing yourself, or was it so you could "feel" something? I am not judging you. I just want to understand.

Anyways, welcome.

InMyMind

[TXKYNY]

Thank you for your response, InMyMind. I am listening to the latest MIHH as I type this. So far as my history of cutting - looking back on childhood, I see that I was probably depression (and always a bit anxious). I think back on nights in my childhood when I stayed up for hours because I was terrified to go to sleep. And as I lay in bed, I felt a certain agony because all I wanted to do was be able to fall asleep. So the cutting began as I moved in to adolescence around the age over 11. I had heard of other people doing it and had a couple of other friends who did it as well. Part of the cutting was the fit it but I never purposely showed anyone else scars or cuts. And oops - once I started cutting, I realized this was my form of relief. Flash forward 14 years later and I have graduated to burning and bruising. Most recently bruising. I can't say that I don't get a sense of release when I self-injury. Even if I don't acknowledge it, I'm sure that I do. What brings me to self-injury is my bouts of depression that lead me to feeling that it doesn't matter. This is something I go back and forth about with my therapist. I tell him that it doesn't matter if I hurt myself. He thinks that it does.I don't think it does. I still don't think it does. I wish that I did.

[rc409]

Welcome! I only did the cutting once. I did it when I was drunk, and cut the hell out of my hands with a razor blade. It was 1982. Way before this became something people even talked about. They took me to get stitches and never said a work about why.

I also had a tendency to hurt my hands. I never could answer as to why, but it did something. Can you put into words what it offers? I never really could.

Im so glad theres help now, and glad you are her and talking about this.THANK YOU! All I got, back then, was a curious look and valuium....so it was not all bad.

No shit...Best part was my mom mentioning how expensive razor blades were. So help me, she did.

[inmymind]

Wow, RC409. Was you mom really that shitty about it, or do you think maybe she just didn't know what to do with her emotions over it? I'm glad you got help for it. Thanks for stating that you didn't really know why you did it. Have you any wisdom now in looking back on it as to why you were doing it?

[rc409]

LOL...Yes, mom.....My mom was just like Pauls mom. Actually, thats what made me listen to the podcast. I heard him say, "Incestuous mom" and instantly knew what he was talking about.

To be fair, I pictured her as this old, wise all knowing individual. I dont know what comment Id have made either if I walked into a bathroom and saw my goofed up 16 year old son with blood all over his hands, holding a razor blade. But yes, the cost comment was made.


I thought more about why I did it. That day was a relapse. I had been released from Raliegh Hills Hospital a few months before. I was the youngest patient to ever (15yrs, 11 months) go through their "aversion" alcohol therapy.

That day, before school, I drank a bottle of listerine. That was my drink of choice as I was too young to buy alcohol. After school a bottle of southern comfort. The aversion therapy was great. You threw up the first few drinks. Soon you were numb and could continue on your merry way.

I was scared because I did not have any more alcohol, my valium was empty, and my Tylenol 4 bottle only had a few left.

As I made the cuts, I remember thinking the stinging felt...not good, not bad..How about ...TOUGH..IN CONTROL....and, I could go to the er and get some demoral?

I told them the cuts were caused when I had to change a blowout on my car tire. The sharp pieces of wire that had wrapped around the brake, and my removing them..no gloves available...were what caused the damage.

I dont know if anyone had ever heard of this "cutting" thing in 1982. I'm sure it happened, but I dont remember ever hearing a word about it.