Here goes nothing.

[lost]

Hi My name is Dee aka lost.
I am from Australia so it is 3 am here and this is the 3rd night with 2 hours sleep.
My story is long and tomorrow im going to go back to my doctors for help.
First problem is i suffer from PTSD which is killer there is two things that set it off.
One is coming into contact with someone who drinks the horrible coffee or smokes that my mums cousin used to drink, ( Who yes he abused me when i was a kid)
I am married to an amazing guy who helpful when happens.
My Darling daughter who is 17 is aware of it because about 2 years ago she witnessed me go into flight or fight mode when i came into contact with my mums cousin.
Poor thing she was on the train with me 3 days ago when a person sat down next to me who smoked the same smokes that my mums cousin smoke, ( thank god its a very rare brand of smoke but when i come into contact with that smell it triggers me)
Most of the time i can go your ok by grounding my self, touching something cold, loud music in my head phones.
This time was really bad i dont even remember doing it i got up and started changing carriages until i was at the front of the train sitting in a set shaking. My daughter realised what was going on turned my headphones up as loud as they were go to snap me back to reality, I hated having her to feel like she was the parent and i was the child but she was amazing.
We got off at the next station and just walked.
3 nights in a row panic attacks have hit me at 230 am its amazing what your head can do to you, I haven't had this in over 2 years this bad.
The panic attack is settling down but the Anxiety is wayyyy to high for any sleep, so this is what im doing getting it down on paper or on here and its helping.

I love my mum and my dad but when i told them this had happened to me originally they did report it but in Australia statue of limitations had ran out. They did not get me counselling which resulted in years of self harm depression and even suicide attempts. The worst part of all this was yet to come when she told my uncles they both replied, oh he wouldnt do that if he did he would have abused his daughter who was my best friend. That was the biggest kick in the teeth i had ever felt.

I have got into counseling for this and had been good its just once in a while those smells will trigger me and then the panic attack start ( yes it was 230 am that he would abuse me ).

The one thing i have made the mistake of doing was coming off the anti depressants that they put me back on after my dad died 12 months ago. I had been coping so much better and yes i made the mistake a lot of people do and come off them. I did see my doctor 2 days ago about the panic attacks she gave me valium to take for a few nights to calm me so ic an sleep but that has made me worse.

The past 12 months have been a nightmare for me to say the least my mum and i Spent 7 days with my dad watching him slowly die pneumonia which he was not strong enough to fight because he had end stage Parkinsons disease.
I was in the room with him when he took his last breath, mum and my daughter had just stepped out to go to the toilet.

So anyway that is just part of my story hope I didn't bore you had to get it down tonight, and it has helped.

thanks dee aka lost.

[rivergirl]

I read all your posts from last night, Lost. There's nothing boring about them. I'm so sorry you've gone through so much trauma and pain in your life, including losing your dad in such a painful way. Being up alone at night while dealing with physical or mental pain can be a terribly lonely feeling.

I relate to your experience with triggers. For me recently it has been unexpectedly encountering music at work & other places that my abuser used to play for me. This is one reason I mostly stick to podcasts like MIHH rather than the radio when I have a choice.

I'm glad you decided to write on the forum, and that you're reaching out for help to your doctor. Sending you a big hug from the U.S.A.,

rivergirl