YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin
Postings on this site are NOT by mental health professionals, rather the opinions & experiences of a community of regular people. If you feel like you are going to hurt yourself or others PLEASE call Suicide Prevention at 1-800-273-8255
Hello, my name is Cristina, I’m 39, single with a cat, living with my mom, work at home, the whole sterotype and much more. I am Brazilian, so, if my English sounds like a 3 years old’s or I if am making no sense at all, it’s not (only) because I’m crazy or mentally confused, but (also) because I don’t speak English very well. I recently found out I might be a classic textbook case of Avoidant Personality Disorder and I struggle with anxiety in a daily (hourly?) basis.
I found Paul’s podcast by chance and it’s been for me a incredible source of emotional support. Thanks a zillion, Paul!! We don’t have any kind of group therapy or a support group in the small city where I live, so I was hoping to find it in this forum – a safe place where we can meet to help each other or just talk (can anyone confirm this? is this safe? ). Anyway, it feels great to know that “I’m not alone” and I hope we can get out of this together!!
Hello Christina, if your like me, and from what you said there is some common ground, trust is not easy. And more so from a stranger. I can say I have been treated with nothing but kindness and respect here, and really can't say that about anywere else. I have been dealing with cronic depresion, anxiety, major episodes of depresion, and sprinkle it with mental ocd and asbergers, and then this year got hit with my dads lingering horrible death and my wife of 12 years picking that point to say our marriage was over, fun times. So as you can see your in the right place I hope you can feel safe hear, and hope all of us can help.
Thank you so much, Lornrick, for your kind reply. Already feeling safer here I'm really sorry for your losses, it must be so incredibly hard to lose your father and your wife in such a vulnerable time. Was the depression/anxiety a result from this incidents or were you struggling with that before?
Yes, I have major problems with trust, but actually find it easier to talk to strangers. There is a point in a relationship/friendship in which I start to fell threatened and just clam up. I turn into a monstrous porcupine, something between Hulk and a cactus... and an oister. Problem is... I'm getting worse with time, not better.
I was very curious when you mentioned "mental OCD", what exactly is that? I guess I have that too. I have a voice in my head that says the same thing at random times.
My therapist feels, and so do others in my past I have had depression since birth, I was just real good at covering it up and developed alot of defenses, of course i had a lot more energy back then too, my parents really were never aware of how I was. Mental ocd, that is just the guess of my family doc, being sent to see a Psychiatrist friday for possible meds. He and well I thought it because I get obsessive for information, an example is tax time, I will check the irs web site every 30 minutes if i'm near a computer till i see a change, in the time between I will think every possability that could go wrong. I should mention I also can't think single thoughts, at any time I am revieweing everyday of my life, every conversation, past and future, my budget, schedual, music, books i'm reading and writing, the traffic, my future in days, weeks, months and years ahead. My medical satus and psych status, family, whats on tv, my entire school life, and usally 8 other things. That all goes on im the back of my head. Ive never been able to slow it down. In fact i'm terrified of friday, since they have tried meds on me in the past, and my mind rejects them, and anything else that can mess with it. Thats why i've never been drunk or taken any drugs recreationaly, my mind truly wont alow it. Yes I know that sounds stupid and far fetched, I hate exsplaning it for what it makes me sound like, and now have to do it yet again friday. I can't remember ever feeling peace or happieness in the past 30 years. And my mind was only calm for 45 minutes in the past 10 years. But I work 70 hours, 7 days a week,i've only missed half a day of work due to this, and that was the day after I almost died, but couldn't convince myself to call for help. Yikes, sorry, didn't mean to type so much, this should be about you
Cristina,
First off, your English is awesome. Your grammar is better than most Americans and I'm not just saying that. Secondly, I want to welcome you to the site. I think you'll find it to be a safe place to be vulnerable. At least I hope you will. And thank you for your kind words about the podcast. It means a lot to me. Especially when I'm having one of those days where my mind is convincing me that I've blown it. I haven't worked hard enough and my future is going to be shit. Comments like yours remind me that the future isn't as important as right now, right here and the human beings I come into contact with. That is what life is about. My mind creates future scenarios where I am either a king or a peasant. My mind doesn't do 50. It does 0 or 100. I think a lot of depressives and addicts are the same way. Anyway, we're glad you're here.
Paul
http://mentalpod.comNothing degrades the quality of my life like obsessing about the quality of my life.
Thank you so much, Paul. Me too, I often feel hostage of my moods, which for me is terrible, since I’m also a control freak and can’t seem to find the trigger(s). It’s like I live in the real world and in a parallel world at the same time and never know in which I’m going to wake up. I was once diagnosed as a bipolar, but I don’t think it’s the case. I had one surge of a manic episode and that’s all. The mood stabilizer stabilized me somewhere around the low point, despite the antidepressant, and there I lied for over 2 years, so it was not a good experience. For me it’s more like I vary between a functional “normal” level (my “normal”, still low by many Standards), and plunge in a dark cold place, from where I see no way out. And, yes, my mind also has this amazing ability to paint the most creepy scenarios for the future – mainly involving me, very old, very sick, very poor and totally alone. The work you do is awesome, it is helping so many people in such deep levels. I’m sure anyone here can attest to that. You should never doubt that!
Hi, Lornrick, it seems to me you have a very intense case of anxiety on top of the depression. You know, I agree with Paul when he says that sometimes it is very hard, if not impossible, to just talk it out, to push through all this just by talking with a therapist, and that meds can be an essential part of the healing process. Even though I feel we are just beginning to explore this possibility, it’s still a safe alternative if well monitored by a good psychiatrist and if you do your part and commit to the treatment. Anyway, I’m moving this discussion to you topic at http://mentalpod.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=%2022&t=154 just to avoid being to repetitive.
Hey, Ipsis!
I want to give you a huge hug but i'll have to settle with an e-hug.
I say this because when you mentioned Avoidant Personality Disorder in your post it stuck a cord with me. I had never heard of that term but knew I was defintely was an "avoider" and had been since childhood. So I google that shit and, to my surprise (not really), I saw myself in some of the descriptions of the "disorder" and in the personal accounts of my fellow AvPDs.
). Anyway, it feels great to know that “I’m not alone” and I hope we can get out of this together!!
I hope you can feel safe hear, and hope all of us can help.
