Confessions of a Hollywood Fuckup

[Pyramid]

Four years ago, I had just started a job in Hollywood. A friend from college had enjoyed my radio show and my column in the local alternative paper, had become a successful producer, and hired me to write for him and build a production company. Although in some ways it seemed like a fluke, I had never felt more fulfilled or optimistic. On my own time, I started doing stand-up, got involved with the local comedy communtiy, went skydiving (which finally cleared up my fear of heights) and indulged in a host of other creative projects I'd never had energy for when I was working miserable office jobs for slave wages. I recall telling another college pal, around that time, "For the first time in my life, I actually like myself."

That all fell apart slowly as the economy tanked, and by 2010, I was unemployed. After struggling and failing to find another job, having my car stolen, developing a slight drinking problem and missing my own 32nd birthday party, I moved 2000 miles to try to salvage a relationship that eventually failed anyway. (I'm starting to think that romantic comedies give us the wrong idea about the odds of success in such an endeavor.)

I've been hounded by moderate-to-severe depression for as long as I can remember, and as my LA dreams perished in agony, it returned full-tilt. I drank myself half retarded and descended into an abyss of bitterness, envy and self-reproach. I pretty much stopped writing and doing stand-up, since I suck at self-promotion and it seemed that no one gave a shit anymore or ever would again.

Now I live in a large Midwestern city I utterly loathe and am back to doing maddening dead-end office jobs for survival. (At least I have the luxury of complaining! Too bad I'm such a dick that I can't enjoy simply having steady income when so many others don't.) I am closer to 40 than 20 and have no clear idea of how to turn things around.

And here we are.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Pyramid, welcome to the forum.

I read all you wrote. You lost your support at the worst possible time, and your mind cranked up the depressive distortions about reality at the worst possible time. I am inadequate to help, but I just want to let you know that the pain you feel absolutely does not isolate you because there is a community, and that I honor your pain, and that you don't deserve to feel this suffering.

Your circumstances have changed, but you can return to "acting like yourself". That is not a platitude, it is the objective truth.

Please take care, we are all cheering for you and your very best today and tomorrow!

From this MentalPod board - some places to get help for people with limited resources:

• Help for little or no money
• Best Insurance Companies/Types for Mental Health Care
• Links for More Mental Health Info/Suicide Hotlines

[algernon]

Hello Pyramid!

There's all this pressing stuff to do today but what I WANT to do is write this!

The entertainment profession must be unusually hard on a human's psyche, particularly those in the spotlight. This was evident when I began to hear Paul and his podcast guests (mostly show biz people) discuss their problems.

How many movie films demonstrate this I can only imagine as one big fucking number! I think about Andy Griffith's debut in "A Face in the Crowd"....and then "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?"......just those two.

The entertainment business seems almost cruel (maybe YES cruel) for the intense exercise of ego and then the inevitable trampling of it for the slim odds of becoming a George Carlin or Elizabeth Taylor or whoever we think is the model of showbiz success. I gather there is a show business obsession with measuring one's current popularity among any number of yardsticks and the stress of dealing with its management, trusting people in it for profit and the need for image control among all involved. Wondering who's honest and all that.

I met an older woman who made her life long living painting art who expressed regret that making a living that way means always dealing with vultures and all the idealism becomes only quaint. She doesn't regret her life's work, but there is a tax to her inner peace. Apparently she could pay that tax and find happiness, but what about others with a similar talent in the arts who cannot pay that tax?

I'm glad you've got a job Pyramid and it seems you are too! You gotta highlight that every time you lament the Hollywood shit. Although I got your well worded point about aging, you're still young and tender while (forgive me for comparing!) I remain age 57 (but not for long), in a tough physical business.

People would be surprised how much lost time life will tolerate, but don't say that to an alpha personality!

I'd consider leaving alcohol completely if you still use it. I stopped for years now, best thing for me and I never miss the cult of drinking. Drinking gets replaced with better things, like writing to strangers on messageboards!

Good fortune for you is this "mental illness" venue, in that Hollywood as dysfunction and disaster is home here. For yourself, you did real well to join!

[dare i say it]

Drinking gets replaced with better things, like writing to strangers on messageboards!

Touché, Aalgernon! I feel like I should point out though that for someone who is truly an alcoholic, stopping drinking is only a small part of the process of getting better. I don't have a whole lot of personal experience with addiction, but I've heard that mantra enough times from enough good sources to know that it's true.

[Paul Gilmartin]

Pyramid,
Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your pain and anxiety. I don't have any answers except to say that the path we're on isn't always going off a cliff just because it feels like it. I encourage you to get the help you deserve. Often, just that nudge towards a solution is enough to give us momentum to keep going and then it feeds on itself in a positive way. And even if things don't get better right away, at least we feel like we're not standing still.

Paul

[BCZF]

Even if you dont get any benefit from the "wisdom" around here.. Just vent..Really.... Putting your thoughts and fears out there is cathartic. We dont pretend to have answers, but we offer a shoulder to cry upon or a punching bag to let it out...