Time to ante up

[weary]

Keeping the world at a distance is what I feel that all adds up to, yet so eager for intimacy too--ride my bike on path where I interact a little bit w/other riders, bullshit w/co-workers etc., message to online Scrabble partners, banter with storekeepers. I need that contact. I need to belong. Yet my belonging is always predicated on who I present myself as. So the fear that I'm a shit-in-my-pants, crybaby, incompetent, unmasculine, potential-waster-with-life-essentially over... that stays hidden and remains the undefeated champ. Have unhealthy amounts of grandiosity that alternate with depressive thoughts in the form of fantasies etc. Now that I'm older and the fantasies are even less probable the oversupply of grandiosity is more and more apparent -- "I could've been" has generally replaced "I should be".

Hi Glock - just went back and re-read this whole thread. What you wrote in the above quote is a lot like how I feel. It's pretty scary, actually. There's something really reassuring knowing I'm not the only one that fucked up. Thanks.

[Glock therapy]

Hey meh,
Yep... I feel ya. Fuck... that shit sucks. I have nothing insightful to say, but do want to say I hear ya (didn't I just say "feel ya"? Pick one gotdammit!!!) on that business. I think I reject people sometimes before they can reject me; I either explode it, or do something passive-aggressive that forces their hand over time (geez, I'm such a fucking child!!!). Either on this podcast or WTF (or both) Harry Shearer was cited as having said that comedians do what they do to control when it is that people laugh at them, and the leaving-things shit feels like a parallel--rejection's gonna happen, I'll make sure it does on my schedule . (It ain't letting me underline--I kinda like what it's doing tho)

Then again, that feels kind of pat and incomplete.

I am at work now; had made promise to self not to spend time doing this nor a few other things I like to do when feeling "the dread". But fuck it... played an online game too (on the phone--untraceable). That's drinking a double in my world. Awright man, just wanted to say "yeah" on what you've been saying--no answers, here, just the equivalent of what is accomplished with a "like"on another well-known website, the name of which starts with an F and ends with a K (has that contributed to this website's runaway popularity, perhaps?).

Thank you in advance for tolerating my shitty, while-on-the-fucking-clock-no-less post. Hope things go a bit better.

Yours in confusion and misery,
-Glock (startin' to dig that, or maybe it's just my coiled-anger mood. Sounds bad-ass. Like Clint from about 40 years ago, as opposed to the violence he does these days. Oops, no politics. Sorry. That really is a good rule. But I've heard Paul break it, so ... I guess this is OK)

[meh]

Blowing up relationships before the other person does is my middle name Unfortunately I'm doing it right now to my wife and my kids.

I realized this morning that my obsession lately about how badly my depression is kicking my ass is an excuse for me to avoid thinking about how I'm using it as an excuse to kick everyone else's ass. Something to discuss today in therapy.

And you can feel me anytime Did I just say that? Bad Meh!!