Here I am.

[pizza_dreamer]

I'm a 39 year old guy from the US.

My issues: Depression, anxiety, and alcohol abuse throughout my adulthood. I quit drinking nine months ago - I wish I could say I feel a whole lot better, but it's tough because now I have to deal with all the feelings I'd been trying to suppress with booze all those years. The positives are that I'm physically healthier, have lost a lot of weight, and have been doing better with money.

My brother was always a difficult kid, and then in his late teens he developed mental illness (major depression, paranoia, major anxiety). When we were younger, he used to terrorize me in our home, constantly calling me every awful name you can think of, hitting me, and intimidating me. My parents would tell him to stop, but it never really did until he became mentally ill. I had previously been very angry with him, but now felt like I couldn't express that because he was ill and very vulnerable. I developed a lot of guilt regarding him and my family.

My father was a lifelong heavy drinker, and while he was a great guy in many ways, he was probably drinking to deal with his own depression and/or anxiety (not sure). He died from cirrhosis in 2002. I don't know if I've ever even properly dealt with that. I think I might've further shut down my emotions after he died.

I dated a girl from high school from age 17 to 28. She was a good person, but we grew apart over time, and I never had the guts to break up with her - that is, until I fell in love with someone else. I left the first girl to be with the next one, which caused me to feel incredible guilt and - for the first time - hardcore anxiety. That relationship lasted nearly two years, but much of it was difficult for me because of the anxiety that I couldn't shake. After we broke up, I was depressed for a long time.

I dated a pretty chaotic woman a few years back. I had a lot of anxiety regarding the relationship, and the first time we went to have sex, I experienced ED. She freaked out, got angry and upset. Her reaction only made it worse. Eventually, things worked out somewhat in that department, but occasional ED would cause everything to go back to zero. It was as if I was no good as a person if I couldn't keep it up. None of my other good attributes seemed to matter. We eventually broke up, and I vowed to drink and not being involved with people for awhile.

For the next two or so years, I drank more heavily than ever, and avoided sexual situations. I gained weight and grew more depressed and isolated. My libido, which was already not too high, went way down. I was okay with it because I wasn't trying to date.

About 10 months ago, I decided (again) that I needed to stop drinking. The physical, financial, and emotional toll was too great to continue. I felt good about stopping (and used reading and SMART Recovery to help), but never really felt that good about myself.

A couple of months ago, I met a great woman. She seems very grounded and not at all chaotic like my previous girlfriend. We began seeing each other a lot, and as is typical for me, my usual depression switched gears to anxiety. Am I good enough? Will I be able to perform sexually? Etc. We eventually got intimate - making out and stuff. Sometimes I would be aroused while doing this, and sometimes not. When I wasn't, I would get scared and upset. I wound up sleeping over her house last weekend. When she started to stroke my erection (ugh, that sounds weird), I lost it. It's like my penis is scared and is physically recoiling. She was cool about it - I've explained about my previous upsetting situation, and that I experience a lot of anxiety.

I'm constantly consumed with worry about sexual performance. Even when I was single, I would masturbate and sometimes lose an erection because I'd remember something awful my ex had said. I'm worried about disappointing and losing this girl over stupid boner problems.

What I am doing to help myself: I have been seeing a therapist, and have been prescribed Zoloft (25mg to start). I've only been on the medication for a few weeks, so I don't expect to notice much difference yet. I've tried others in the past (Welbutrin, Lexapro, and Prozac), and never really noticed an improvement in depression or anxiety. I'm also eating better than I used to, and exercising when I can.

So can anxiety and depression be the reasons my libido has been diminished in the past few years? Even when I'm masturbating, I sometimes don't get a full erection (and that freaks me out). I don't get morning erections very often at all. I'm going to my doctor soon and will ask about whether there might be something physical going on.

Man, I'm so sick of obsessing about performance and ruminating about how humiliating my last relationship was.

Anyhow, thanks to Paul for the podcast, and thanks to anyone who read this lengthy introduction.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello pizza_dreamer, welcome to our little forum! Thanks for taking the time to write your introduction, and feel free to make yourself at home at the threads and topics here - we look forward to reading your contributions!

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I am so glad to read that you are doing much to help and improve yourself. I think it is a good idea to ask a doctor about a possible physical cause for ED.

Please take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!