YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi, well I don't really know what to say so i'll just directly say that I am hear because I am really just lost and all i want in the entire world is to get help like therapy or something but I am 17 so i still live with my parents and i feel like I can't until I can get the help without having to admit to my parents that i have a problem. But I feel like I can't bear another day pretending and lying. Another day in so much unbearable confusion and pain. I don't even no who I am anymore and I just hate that feeling. I feel so confused because I have been hiding all of my problems for so long that I have lost myself in the lies and this lack of identity is killing me. I have had an extremely bad excoriation disorder for like 5 and a prior signs to it in the previous years. I feel so ashamed and discussed with myself. Why did I do this to myself? I am ugly, my skin is mutilated and it will never be normal again. I will never be able to be beautiful. I am not even that ugly until I made myself ugly by obsessively and addictivly tearing my skin apart for hours every night for 5 years. It is all localized on my chest and upper arms so I have worn modest clothes and kept it a secret all these years. I just want to be free to go swimming or go to a dance. Maybe get a date, which I have never had because who could love or accept me i'm hideous underneath the lies and children are cruel. Though that is my main and first problem it opened a door that lead to the mother load of comorbidity. I have so much anxiety all the time I am afraid to get close to people because i fear i will lose them if they discover my secret and am always worrying that I covered something wrong and everyone can see my scars. I have so much anxiety that when i go to school I sweat like an Olympic runner and everyone probably thinks I am the weird smelly girl and realizing that makes me more nervous and seat more. I am not free to be myself. And lately my desire to get help is overwhelming because I feel like am losing it, just going crazy, suffocating in my own intricate web of lies I have designed to protect myself. But I can't get help because my parents are strict I am a straight A student, success is all that is allowed, because I am their kid I can't have a mental disorder- it would ruin their public appearance, they would not support me and i can't lose them. All I have in the entire world is one good friend and my family. Even though I am distant with my family I can't risk it. I am trapped. I am so afraid of the day they find out. I know one day I will have to get a shot or something and they will see my arm. The cat will be out of the bag and I will lose everything because they will never understand. I feel so detached from my parents that I have fantasies about other adult figures in my life like teachers I really admire being my parent and moving in with them and us being happy. But I can't talk to the teachers either they will just inform my parents or worse. Kind of a missed up fantasy but I just want to love and be loved. Sorry I wrote so much it is just I have never spoke about this before and I have a lot to get off my chest: 5 years worth of a desire to share that which is forbidden to speak of, my dirty little secret.

Hello, Vagabond23, welcome to our little forum. Please make yourself feel at home in the threads and topics here.

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It is not hopeless, you are almost 18, and then you can get mental health help without interference from your parents. There are people on the forum and topics on the forum about self-harm. You are not alone.

Please take care, keep the lines of communication open, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

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Low/No Cost Mental Health Resources

United States website to find sliding scale "low/no" cost mental health services. Also information on medication assistance: NeedyMeds - Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics U.S. Database

Discussion of low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: Maria Bamford podcast, Episode 95, Jan 04 2013 at minute 6:00.

If you think you might need this resource, then you definitely need this resource - please check out the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network - RAINN at RAINN.org

Google searches for low and no cost therapy resources, even in usually under-served areas: your town or county + one of these terms:

• low cost counselling service
• sliding scale counselling service
• CMHC
• community mental health
• community service board office

From this MentalPod board - some places to get help for people with limited resources:

• Help for little or no money
• Best Insurance Companies/Types for Mental Health Care
• Links for More Mental Health Info/Suicide Hotlines

Here is a post and thread on Reddit about getting medication at low or no cost: Community Assistance Program, accepted at Target pharmacy and many other pharmacies

If you are just needing someone with the chat with online, not a professional, there is a great depression chat room that usually has at least 40 different people, you can go and go private and discuss issues and just get stress off your chest. Here is the link:

depression-chat-rooms.org

Finally, here is a good summary of the precursors to suicide to help you understand yourself and others, it is from a PhD psychologist whose father committed suicide:

American Psychological Association - Thomas Joiner, PhD - Precursors to suicide, for yourself and others

Cheers to you, for scrolling all the way down to the bottom of this copypasta!

I am so sorry that you are going through this and thank you for being brave. In my everyday practice I see lots of young folks that go through similar issues such as yours. Remember that you are not alone in your struggles and it does get better.

I will never be able to be beautiful. I am not even that ugly until I made myself ugly by obsessively and addictivly tearing my skin apart for hours every night for 5 years. It is all localized on my chest and upper arms so I have worn modest clothes and kept it a secret all these years. I just want to be free to go swimming or go to a dance.

Never on your face?

Honey, you are beautiful if you protect your face. People look at your face first--not your chest, not your arms. That's stuff people brush over, especially friends, and more especially anyone who wants to date you. Even if your face is marred... we're more than just skin. You have your bones and your muscles and your fat and the whole rest of your body--if you were beautiful before you're still beautiful, you just have the scars of pain. Scars are nothing to be ashamed about, even self-inflicted--if you just live with them and people ask about them, be honest or say "mind your own business." Just don't shove them into people's faces; had that happen to me once with a self-harmer. Wasn't a very good first introduction, even if I felt bad for her.

I think if your family is so concerned about keeping their straight-A student, they would jump to get you to a therapist. They may be strict but that's a form of love--clearly they want your future to turn out well, and you should make it obvious to them that the longer this goes on the chances of a good future in college for you won't turn out well until you are well. Put it in terms of physical illness; your brain is your body, it needs medical attention. Maybe they won't understand why you do this, or even worse, blame you, but if you can get them to get you to a therapist--fuck them the rest of the way until they learn better.

You really need to reach out to your family. It's very difficult, but once the ice is broken, it's done. It's like ripping the band-aid off.

Also:

I feel so detached from my parents that I have fantasies about other adult figures in my life like teachers I really admire being my parent and moving in with them and us being happy

I TOTALLY had these fantasies when I was in high school: it's really not weird. Maybe if your worried your parents will be disagreeable to the idea of therapy, reach out to one of these adult figures and ask them to help you tell your parents--support your claim that you need some help, so you won't be all alone. It doesn't have to be "tell them and then they'll go tell my parents"--you can arrange to do it together, somehow.

I'm so sorry you're going through this but reaching out for help is what you need to do right now--and it's seriously a hard step. And recovery is not easy. But like I've said in a lot of my posts, it's better than sitting passive and letting a sick mind take hold of you: you deserve more than that, and you ARE more than your illness.

Take care and be good to yourself.

Thank you for the support Sherlok, your too kind. I am trying my best to see it that way, it is just hard to change a life long thought process of self hate.