YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hello everyone. I don’t know really where to start, so I’ll aim for somewhere off-center and just spread out from there. I’ll apologize in advance if this introduction doesn’t have any real structure. Just writing this down right now is a feat in itself. It’s very hard for me to get my feelings out without shutting this window down and going to search for something else so I don’t have to deal with my real feelings and anxiety.

I got here from listening to the podcast, which has helped me out in being able to put labels onto things that I’ve been feeling. A little about myself. I’m in my late 30’s, deal with depression and anxiety, and I like to self-medicate with food to numb myself from feeling anything uncomfortable. I’m possibly codependent on my spouse, which is something I didn’t know about me until recently. Thanks to the podcast and further reading online, I’ve been able to expand my emotional intelligence (if that’s a term).

I used to go down rabbit holes on Wikipedia and give myself self-diagnoses. That’s how I ended up thinking I had social anxiety, which I figured out because I couldn’t go to the bathroom in public places. I still read about symptoms that I have but now I leave it to the professionals to help me along. I’ve recently gone back to therapy, but we’re only one session in. So I’m not going to give an outlook on how I think I’m doing just yet. Although that seems to be a symptom of my depression. I don’t have the self-confidence to trust that I’m ok. So I spend a lot of time in my head either analyzing myself or trying to restrain my feelings so I don’t have an outburst and I forget to just be myself and live my life.

I was once a comedian and was doing ok…as ok as a young comic only three years in can do. Just learning the craft. For some reason, I can’t figure out, I lost my confidence. I went to take a one month break and 6 years later, I’m still on it. This is one of my biggest regrets. Every day I think about going back up there, but I have this unshakable fear of failing, not being accepted, and not having anything to say. I just got a tightness in my chest writing that. But I’ll try not to erase what I just wrote and eat my feelings away. I needed to write this down and shared with you all.

I picked the name Emotional Rat Nest as a goof, but the more I think about it, it kind of makes sense. I sometimes feel like my brain’s wiring is tangled up, like the way a fishing reel will sometimes unspool and cause a mess. Technically the line is still connected but it’s in such a ball of knots that it cannot function properly. I can’t fix these kinds of problems from just outside observation. I’m going to have to get in there and start trying to make sense of where the knots are and start putting things back in the proper order. It’s not going to be easy. It will take a lot of delicate work and a lot of time.

I guess to sum it up, I’m not the person I want to be. But hopefully with therapy, the support of you all, and being able to be honest with myself, I can untangle that nest.

I hope you can get back out there and do some standup at some point! I've always wanted to try it, but I'm a huge chicken. So I'm impressed that you have that sort of performance under your belt.

I had a thought: What if you went to some open mic where you knew no one and would never see them again and just bombed on purpose? Just to experience failing without any serious repercussions? Just to see that you can fail and it won't kill you?

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Thank you for having the bravery to write up your introduction. I know all about using food to manage my mood.

You can be the person you want to be. You are not alone. Please take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

Hey Manuel, thanks for the welcome. I'm looking forward to contributing. Hopefully I can make it stick and not just burn myself out in one energetic spurt.

pizza_dreamer...can I just call you pizza? I'm gonna call you pizza, if that's alright. If not, let me know.

pizza, you know the funny thing is that I'm not afraid of bombing. I've done it so much that it just comes with the territory. Most of the time it's my fault and I can handle that. What I can't handle is the imagined pre-judging that I project onto myself and other comics. I'm always afraid of not having anything important to say so I end up psyching myself out from even beginning to write down ideas and material. As far as the other comics, the last time I tried to get back out there I was intimidated by them. They were much funnier than me, much younger than me, and much much hungrier than I was. I guess I started telling myself that the game had passed me by and instead of doing something about it, I just spent all these past years just mourning it.

What I learned in my last stint of counseling is that what we think, we believe. So I've got to start learning again what thoughts are healthy and helpful, and which ones are harmful and just self-flagellation. You are right though, I know it won't kill me, I've just got to be brave enough to find out for myself. Thanks for the kinds words.

Hi, I'm new too. Welcome!

I can totally understand losing confidence, I have had that same problem. When I was younger I felt so self-assured and now I feel so fearful.I just turned 40 and I feel more afraid than ever but I often feel the same thing. The other students in my teaching credential program were in their 20's, much more energy. lol
My field is much different (education) but students are just as bad as a drunk audience. haha

My only advice that sometimes seems to work for me, is to take one baby step. Try not to think about the big picture, do one thing...focus on it and then reflect on how it went. I know for me, it's easy to feel overwhelmed when I think about everything, but being able to choose that one project, etc it can sometimes get me going.

I think being able to identify what's going on is a huge thing, so I applaud you for being able to look at yourself and admit what's going on. It's never easy, nor is posting here despite being fairly anonymous. It's not easy to reach out, but it makes me feel better to know that others feel the same way. I don't know if I will be much help but I hope we can all share and perhaps help each other even just a little bit.

You know, BooksAreNifty...first off, books ARE nifty! Secondly, that is great advice to take it one little step at a time. I've been having this tendency of thinking of the whole big picture. I'll start to think about writing, then I'll worry about performing, then I'll worry about the crowds, then the other comics, then this, then that, then blah blah blah. It all forms like a pebble of anxiety that picks up doubts and fears while it all rolls downhill and forms a giant snowball of crap. By thinking about one aspect, then keeping my thoughts there, I can head my worries off at the pass.

Thanks again for the advice. It really helped.

(Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliche! ~ Hedley LaMarr, Blazing Saddles)