YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi everyone, nice to meet you. I wanted to introduce myself and kind of the get a feel for the board and everything. I have been in treatment for anxiety and depression since the fall, found meds that work and I'm doing a bit better now. There are hurdles absolutely! I lost my job in November and lost the insurance January 1. So right now I'm debating on finding some group therapy that might be free here in SoCal, I'm reluctant though. First off, not sure what group to go to... my therapist said co-dependence but I don't feel like I am co-dependent or a group for people addicted to finding love, however I have sworn off dating for a year and have no interest at all in it... plus I have a fear that it will become a "my life is worse than yours" contest which conversations with loved ones can turn into sometimes. Or that my story will pale in comparison to someone else and I won't want to share. Has anyone been reluctant in going to group?

Hi!
I am so sorry to hear about the job, that's really awful. I just finished my teaching credential and am looking for a job. It's scary! I am in SoCal too. Have you looked into applying for Medi-Cal now? I got on it last year while I was finishing school. I hope you can find something to help, I have never done any sort of group therapy so I can't help you but it wouldn't hurt to try it if you think you might benefit. If you don't like it, you can stop going.

Hello
QuirkyBallerina
I have heard that in California, correct me if I am wrong, but i heard that you can pick up a few college courses and get a therapist
at your college as they are supposed to be available to All students. Just a thought in case you were wanting to seek more help
and seek therapy as it apparently costs less?
Otherwise i really relate to seeking group help. I put myself out there before and found a good group. It was hard to hear others
at times speaking about issues that is something you just have to learn how to deal with, but in a good group you will have a turn to
talk and you never know who you might meet. Good luck, remember if you dont like a group and are really uncomfortable you can leave
and try another.

Welcome to our little forum, QuirkyBallerina! Make yourself at home in the topics and threads here!

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When it comes to group therapy I know it would help me a lot with my social anxiety, but I am very very hesitant because I am projecting into the future all kinds of negative outcomes. I know intellectually that I am doing this, but it seems I cannot help myself to stop.

Please take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

Thanks everyone! I am in Southern California. I have been thinking of going back to school for my paralegal so maybe that could work with counseling but in order to have money to do that I need a job.. which is the double edged sword. I have my Masters already so I don't want to do anything TOO expensive. I'm trying to stay away from medi-cal. I worked for an agency that worked very close with it and I had to deal with SO many issues with it!!

I do feel safer with one on one therapy. I was thinking group may be free in some places but perhaps finding a low cost or student therapist may work too!



Yesterday was a bad day. I had 2 panic attacks and could barely get out of bed. I figured I could stay in bed all day and maybe curl up with a bottle of wine, but decided to go to yoga instead. It was a good work out and I felt better, had a good night sleep and I am going to go to a comedy show tonight. I think it was because I get triggered by my ex. He is a good guy and our breakup hurt me a lot, no closure and a lot of weird drama surrounded it.... I can get into that story if you want but my roommate is working with him for the next 2 weeks and they were friends before we dated. Our breakup caused their friendship to end. My roommate is another ex, we realized we are much better platonic friends than a couple! I am looking to move out since it can get really weird. My ex is being cordial to my roommate but even hearing about him starts my thoughts of "did he ask about me?" "how is he?" 'is he single?" "does he still have a beard." I mean just totally fixated.

Hi QB! Welcome to the forum! I'm new here, too. I've been listening to the podcast for a couple of years, but just lately became active in the forum.

Paul has spoken on the show about low-cost or no-cost options for mental health in California, and that may have included group therapy. He mentioned a specific website, I think, and I'm sorry I can't remember it, I'm googling right now to no avail. You might send him an email and ask him.

Also, yes you are right colleges often offer low or no-cost therapy with student therapists. I found a very good therapist exactly that way, myself. I'd call the psych department of whatever college is nearest you and see.

I'm sorry for all the drama in your living situation! It sounds like it would be very anxiety-inducing and awkward for anybody!

If you need something to tide you over for now until you can get back into therapy, one book that really helped me, if I might suggest it is, "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by Dr. David Burns. I, too, was in a situation where the humans around me were triggering my anxiety and that book really opened my eyes to new ways of thinking. I'm still working on it 5 years later, and I expect I'll always be working on it, but strictly fwiw, that book was the beginning for me.

That and Paul's podcast, which I discovered soon after.

Hope you have fun at the comedy show and we're glad you're here!

My therapist agreed to see me this week, I had a horrible panic attack again this morning and have been crying for the past 3 hours

The comedy show was fun and they took a lot of pictures, some with me in it! They said hey go on Instagram and check it out. I don't have it, so I signed up... and my friends friended me. One is a mutual friend of my ex who I am still madly in love with and I come across his girlfriends (the girl he left me for)her page with pics of them from their many trips and pictures of him and she labels them "he is so epic and amazing and handsome" etc.. and I just broke down.

I'm dealing with so many issues with men and relationships. This ex treated me the best out of anyone. I didn't think I deserved anyone good after the abuse and rape that I suffered through. He was the first person in 10 years to like and pursue me, he knew all the issues I went through with my roommate, his friend... and cared for me anyway. Then dumped me via text after I helped him clean his apartment so he could make dinner for this new girl. He had some contact with me over the past year, he FaceTimed me then never got back to me.... she has me blocked now on all social media and I think he might too I don't know. He said my roommate was causing issues and it was partially because of me then he didn't elaborate.

I truly don't believe I am relationship worthy nor will I trust anyone enough again to give them a chance. My heart is still with my ex and I fear until I speak to him again I will never be able to heal. On top of that and apartment hunting, job searching and just feeling lost I don't know what to do.

Well, QB, I understand what you're going through, when you're seeking the validation of one specific person. I've been there, you are not alone on that one.

I think in my case, I have an inner voice who is always finding fault with me. People with eating disorders call this voice "e.d." or "ed" for Eating Disorder. I don't have an eating disorder I have a self-esteem disorder and a negative thinking disorder, so I call this voice my Internal Prosecuting Attorney. He's always putting me, and everyone and everything around me, on trial, to find fault with me & everything and everybody all the time.

Paul once mentioned his version of this internal voice on his show, and I'm sure I'm going to butcher the quote but Paul said something like, no matter what I did, I couldn't beat him. Even if I got up early, he was already up, he'd already worked out and he'd already had bacon and eggs. And a cognac.

Well, what was going on with me, just me personally, was my Internal Prosecuting Attorney was using the invalidation I got from this one person as exhibit A, B, C, D, etc... in the nightly trials he would put me on to find fault with me, and find me guilty of being bad, wrong, I lost this great person, yadda yadda. These were strong, loud, invalidating thoughts that would just go on all the time.

I had to find the source of my negative thinking, and it turned out I'd learned that from a family member who lived with us from when I was little. So, that was the first step in starting to invalidate those thoughts.

And an exercise from the Burns book that helped me was automatic thought / rational response. I'm googling trying to find a good explanation but I can't find one. Essentially, when I would have a disturbing thought overwhelm me, I would trap it on paper by writing it out, and then I would write down multiple multiple multiple alternative explanations for what was going on. So, it would be like "She didn't text me back!" And then I would type out in a word doc or a note on my phone "Well, she could have something else going on." "She did say she had to do yadda yadda this weekend." "Sometimes people don't see their phones go off right away" "She could be on the phone with someone else right now" etc. And this, over the course of time, would condition my brain to, instead of fixating on the negative thought, to create alternative explanations other than "i'm an awful person."

I hope this makes sense, these are just some random thoughts as to what I went through. I'm sorry you're going through all this, I understand it.. is.. awful. I'm so glad your therapist has agreed to meet with you this week. You're doing a great thing taking yourself in and taking care of yourself and coming to this forum. And that is the first, essential step: nurturing and caring for yourself. It sounds basic, but it is so absolutely critical, And because you have taken it, your recovery process is already underway!

That is how I feel I agree! I can be going great in my daily life and then a trigger will happen and I'm done for. It also doesn't help that tomorrow will be the one year anniversary since I last saw my ex... I miss him dearly and without concrete proof that our breakup wasn't my fault I only blame myself and that if we were together now I wouldn't feel so trapped. He hates me. I tried to contact him a few times to no avail. He called me a couple times but never returned my calls when I responded. His girlfriend blocked me on FB etc too even though I never spoke to her of course.

My feelings of depression are like I know what my critical voice is saying is untrue but they are very loud and after a while... it is all I hear. Like it is a big bully. When I was in college we did a victims scene in stage combat, where you just got your butt kicked and then in turn got to kick someone's butt too. My friend was an extreme perfectionist and everyone always looked to her to be the best at everything, she was so talented etc... and wonderful, I adored her (she died 8 years ago) and her scene was being the special one and being locked in a prison and told because she is special she has to stay in... I feel like that only my voice is telling me I'm unlovable and I shouldn't get out of the prison because no one wants me. My friend is the type of person my ex is now with... talented and accomplished. I am too, I have a ton of accomplishments, I'm reasonably attractive..... but this girl is the girl that get the guy, even though she is overweight and I was always told by him how much he liked that I was fit but still ate like a horse, because I do..... and her instagram posts just talked about how epic and amazing my ex is... she has him on a pedestal much like me. We liked each other for so long, oddly enough we both had significant others when we first met and started flirting... he told me he loved me that night.. no that was NOT a warning to me... at all...

I am really glad I found this board thank you!!

Yes, that self-critical voice, I totally know, it is totally loud. With me, it affected my ability to focus. I couldn't enjoy anything like a movie, and I couldn't immerse myself in a book because of these super critical thoughts. "Like a big bully" is the perfect analogy. Like a big bully who lives with you and follows you all around.

But the good news is, you can get rid of him! Many have done it, it's been studied, and you are not alone! You, working with your therapist, will come up with some super great coping mechanisms, tailor-made just for you. That will work directly on your bully. I tried to drink my bully away or distract my bully away by trying to get into conversations with people, and all that did was create more chaos. But with the addition of therapy and coping mechanisms, I'm able to finally lead a mostly peaceful life. Bully would pipe up, I would think of one of my coping mechanisms, and it diminished and discredited that voice coming from the bully.

I was able to move physically away from the toxic people who were triggering me. I was able to relocate to another town. And I found that my recovery was accelerated by not having the wounds re-opened on a daily basis. Is there a way you can extricate yourself from these people and relocate to a different part of town where you won't need to see them so much?

I saw your post on the other part of the board and I bet you get some different perspectives from different folks coming in! You are in a good place here!