new listener

[socialtwerk]

Hi! My name is Annie and I started listening to the Podcast a few weeks ago. I feel lucky to have found it. I actually look forward to my morning commute now, because I get to put on my headphones and feel lost in somebody's story. Even on my darkest, sleepiest mornings I smile when I hear a guest articulate something that I feel on the inside but haven't ever found the words to say.

I'm a 25 year old female. On the outside I appear to be a well-functioning, healthy, employed mental health professional. But what almost nobody knows is that I am mentally and physically addicted to pain pills (oxycodone). These pills have become a sort of devil for me, because even though they are ruining my life, nothing has ever made me feel so happy and peaceful as the high does. I throw an insane amount of money at drug dealers every week, and when they run out of supplies I get so sick that I can't get out of bed. I can deal with the flu-like symptoms of withdrawal, but what kills me is that when I'm withdrawing I have back-to-back, crushing panic attacks. In between these panic attacks I curse the pills, and curse myself, for getting me into this situation. I've been struggling with addiction for about 3 years now, but I actually was sober for 10 months last year with the help of my family, friends, and boyfriend. But this November I relapsed, and was too ashamed to tell anyone that I've done it again. The 1st time around, my parents were supportive and hopeful for me. The 2nd time around, I fear it will break my mother's heart.

I know that I can't quit these things alone, so I completed an intake at a drug treatment center. The intake counselor was the 1st person who I had told about the relapse, and it was cathartic and painful at the same time. I have an appointment on the 30th to be evaluated for Suboxone, an addiction drug that helped me get through the first weeks of withdrawal last time.

Some moments I have hope for myself and other moments I don't. But one thing I can say is that reading about other people's struggles on this blog helps me feel less alone. I really hope that one day I can come on this forum and tell a story about how I got sober and stayed sober. Thanks for listening.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello socialtwerk, welcome to our little forum. Make yourself at home in the topics and threads here!

Forum tips: You can keep up with all activity on the forum by clicking “View active topics” under the main Board index. And when you post, you can subscribe to the replies by clicking on “Subscribe topic” at the bottom of the page – this also allows you to subscribe to new replies of any topic that interests you.

I am so glad to hear that you are getting professional help after your relapse. That is being self-loving to yourself. Don't beat yourself up for relapsing after 10 months - be kind to yourself because you are trying inside of a very difficult situation.

All the best, keep the lines of communication open, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[LimitedAdventure]

Hi socialtwerk, I'm relating to your post because for years I drank and drank and drank to manage anxiety, and kept my work life intact, and paid my bills on time, and just kept it going somehow. Never got pulled over for DWI, never had any brushes with the law at all, I just somehow, maybe with God's help, or total blind luck I have no idea, kept it together.

I'm not sober yet, but I'm really considering it, because after a whole bunch of CBT, I'm noticing (coincidentally or not) the energy and will to drink has fallen away considerably, and I think i'm finally at a place where I think I could drop it altogether. The urge to drink doesn't come up all that often any more, and over time I think the relationship between an anxiety trigger and then the craving of alcohol to numb it out, which was at one time a very tight cause/effect relationship for me, is starting to finally break down.

I'm by no means an expert in recovery, so I'm not equipped to suggest anything in that regard, but I wanted to give you props for going for sobriety! That's not an easy decision to make. It's great and healthy that you made that call, and I would bet that a lot of people have to take more than one run at it to get it to stick.

I know, I do love listening to Paul's show for just the same reason, losing myself in someone else's story and the comfort of knowing that I'm not alone. I have a feeling you'll get a ton of valuable and useful insights and fellowship here on the forum! Welcome!!

[BooksAreNifty]

Annie, welcome to the forum. I'm new too! Good for you taking the step to get past this addiction to pain pills. I have never had any sort of addictions but I have seen others go through it. I can't even imagine what you are going through but just taking that first step to try and get help shows how strong you are. I wish you the best of luck and you have support here!

[Auntrand]

Hello everyone . I am new over here.. Excited to be here finally.. One of my closest friend has suggested me to join this forum. My name is Auntrand I am from USA .. I am a financial aid director in private company of USA

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Auntrand, welcome to our little forum. Make yourself at home in the threads and topics here.

Forum tips: You can keep up with all activity on the forum by clicking “View active topics” under the main Board index. And when you post, you can subscribe to the replies by clicking on “Subscribe topic” at the bottom of the page – this also allows you to subscribe to new replies of any topic that interests you.

All the best, cheers, keep the lines of communication open, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[socialtwerk]

Hello everyone -

Thanks so much for your responses.

To LimitedAdventure - what a relief to hear from another person who is functioning on the outside, but unravelling behind closed doors. I know that I am hurting myself by putting on this "I'm doing OK" mask, but I am holding onto it for dear life.

On Monday I went to my 2nd visit at a drug treatment center, and this coming Friday I’m meeting with the center’s psychiatrist to be evaluated for Suboxone. I have taken Suboxone before – in May 2014, the last time I got sober (that was my 1st time – this time is my 2nd and hopefully the last time!!). I stopped taking the suboxone because I thought my addiction was “better” and I didn’t need a pill to keep me sober anymore. I wish SO much that had been true.

Anyways, I guess I started writing this reply to say thanks to LimitedAdventure. Please keep writing to people on the forum, because oh man it felt good to log on and see your words waiting for me.

[Holly]

Welcome, Annie!

I'm 25 as well, and this is actually my first post. After listening to the podcast during my every commute and hearing lots about the forum, I finally went ahead and joined for real just about an hour ago. Lots of love for this community <3