YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hey crew, it’s been a pleasure and a help perusing these boards and listening to Paul’s Pods… Often feels better and closer than Family, which may be what’s wrong with me. At age 57 I’ve not (yet) been diagnosed with anything, though feel I suffer from low-level anxiety, PTSD, and all-too frequent bouts of ‘situational’ depression, often leading to serious suicidal desire…

What I’ve not genetically inherited (or passed on to my daughters), I’ll attribute to the seriously messed up behavior of my parents and an abusive upbringing. Either parent (both living) appear to have a cocktail of disorders, though intelligent enough to have avoided a situation in which they’d have been seriously evaluated and no doubt diagnosed with something…

The oldest of four siblings, I was constantly hammered with both physical and emotional abuse, fortunately, nothing sexual - guess it could always have been worse, or different As is, I became a caregiver to my siblings, and seemed to carry that behavior into my adult relationships ...for which I’m apparently a magnet to disfunction.

A 30 year marriage with an anxiety plagued wife left me abandoned to finish raising said daughters alone as she ‘moved on.’ Stabilizing, I moved on to a person with BPD (borderline personality disorder) … where only 3 years left me as worn down and battered as 3 decades had with a panic prone wife… A knowledgeable friend noted that I’d ‘married my Mother,’ as my longtime wife and mother share the same degree of anxiety ...as does one of my daughters.

Currently forced to sell my families century farm in order to pay a ‘divorce settlement,’ I’m soon to be homeless and lost. Fear and depression haunt me constantly, and the only thing keeping me alive is my youngest daughter living at home while attending college… I don’t know that misery really enjoys company ..but the many tears I’ve shed while listening to Paul’s interviews, and especially while reading ‘your thoughts and feelings’... you’ve helped me, too - and I’ll thank you both, again.

Passionate, and on the edge ..if I’ve anything to offer, I’ll give it a shot. And after finally finding my forum log-on permission email in my spam file today (a month after submitting) - I can stop being pissed at Paul for ignoring me (though that’s no excuse for him to let up on himself ) ...as I’ve diligently continued to consume his list of programs like ear candy, which may have NPR hurting pretty soon as I question why I’m supporting them ...and listening to The Mental Illness Happy Hour ...gotta figure out when and how to show my love I guess. - So keep at it my invisible friends, you all count!

Ha - Talking to self - Nuts

...funny, and had to add, it’s Valentine’s Day - and i didn’t notice that until spotting the date on my post above. Wonderful ...as I sit here propped up in bed, pleased the sun’s finally setting so I’ll no longer feel guilty for not having gotten outside on the most beautiful day of ‘this year’... And, Alone! ...but ya know.. where else ‘should’ I be..? Should anyone be? Isn’t this another of those ‘Hallmark Holidays’ when you get down to it..? Promoted to keep us spending time & money we shouldn’t -- while chasing some illusion of normalcy or societal expectations? Candy, hearts, flowers, cards ...Really

Yah, I’ll get up in a bit, start a fire, my daugher text (what’s plural for a text, texted..?) that she’s coming home tonight, so I’d better perk up a bit. But you know what feels right - right now? Reading all ‘Your Stuff!’ - and wishing I could hug you.. ..that, from a non-hugger… You’re the real people - cuz the fake ones are out doing what they’re told, or expected. Shit (..I take it we can cuss around here ), let em! Let em do that hollow stuff, while I view some raw meat - yours! The thickest of feelings and deepest of holes (Thank You)… Fuck Yes! Happy Fucking ..Valentine’s Day -- and already looking forward to tomorrow ~

-- and worse - It’s Saturday Night! ...even on the West Coast.. Shouldn’t I be out dancing, wining and dining with a beautiful woman..? What’s wrong with me?! - Oh, that’s right - I can blame it on my Parents! ...and though they can’t backhand me to the floor, beat me raw or rape me of my self esteem … they must reside inside

So it says ‘I’m the only one on the boards' ...see what can happen when yur not watching And what’s up … yur not all out there doing what society (or a healthy mate) expects of you - and trying to make me feel bad ...are you?

Kust Jidding…

Hi Rain, welcome to the forums. I know, I was alone valentine's day as well. Actually, I think a lot of married couples treat valentine's day kind of like the same way a hardcore partier would treat new years eve. Kinda like "amateur night." And I'm sure there are many who feel obligated to do something so they do it, and I'm sure there are many couples who really get into it. But yeah, it can be a sucky night to be alone, I know.

When I'm alone and I start to feel anxious, just for what it's worth, I come by the forums here and read and share. I think you'll find it's a super healthy place where people share their thoughts and help each other feel not so alone. Personally, I'm in therapy, and I'm reading theraputic books, and I have the forums and I listen to Paul's show. And I find that, during my downtime, bouncing back and forth between those four areas of comfort and learning I find relief and growth. And it's slow, and that's OK. I give that process of changing my thought patterns to take all the time it needs.

So welcome Rain!

Hello Rain, welcome to our little forum! Please make yourself at home in the threads and topics here!

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I am sorry to hear that you are still reeling from the aftershocks of a divorce and leaving a relationship with someone with BPD.

Please take care, know that you are not alone, keep the lines of communication open, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

Thanks for the welcomes I sometimes wonder if there’s something wrong with me in that I seem to enjoy knowing I’m away from the action, including stuff like Valentines Day, which I honestly didn’t know was happening till posting… It’s like I want whatever happens to be real, not fake or contrived because of some ‘Day.’ I also seem to have an aversion to whatever everyone’s ‘supposed’ to be doing… When it should be done, it will.

I’ve not done therapy, it seems like a luxury. I keep waiting till things get too tough … though by then am sure i wouldn’t even make the effort... Anxiety & depression seem a weird combo; one kinda hypes you up while the other shuts you down. I’ll try to play them some ...as in never allowing myself to get too excited after conquering something that’s given me anxiety, because in the larger picture, things are not going to stay right…

One thing that gives me a bit of relief is feeling I’m an improvement over my parents - and that my kids are an improvement over me. My parents have grown, or at least mellowed, and have their regrets with regard to their parenting. I have far less to regret as a parent but wonder how much further I’ll grow? New to podcasts in general, Paul’s stuff is definitely addictive! I love their length, perfect. And though they at first felt pretty raw ...they’re real, and seem to have given me ‘permission’ to ponder.

Don’t know if it’s been the incredible spring weather in my neighborhood (unlike the Midwest & East Coast..), but I’ve been making some serious headway in life. I’ve not always been down or extremely fearful, they just seem the first traits to pop out when life’s got me cornered. Hope I’ve something worthwhile to share, as what others have shared has certainly given me hope. The realization that your fears and desires are totally normal - if not advertised or promoted - is liberating. And when recognizing everything about ourselves, including all we’re made to feel fear or shame over - we become whole. In many ways we’re stronger for acknowledging our fears than those who appear overly successful at hiding theirs. We’re Real, and I like that