YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi! I'm a 20 year old college student struggling with several mental disorders. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II two years ago, but have been struggling with depression and anxiety for all of my teenage years. I mostly get extremely depressed with my illness, but I go through periods of extreme impulsiveness and hyper-sexuality when I'm manic. I have had two prolonged episodes of agoraphobia in high school, in fact I missed most of my senior year because I could not go to school without having a panic attack. I was sexually assaulted when I was 18 in my childhood home and I suffer PTSD when I spend time in that house now. Most of all, though, I suffer from extreme loneliness and abandonment issues. I had no friends growing up, I still do not have friends that are not on the internet aside from my roommate. When I was younger I had best friends at different points in my life that I became extremely attached to because they were the only person I had, and when they got overwhelmed and stopped being my friend I got devastated and it really affected my ability to make friendships with other women.
I escaped to the internet in middle school because I was very suicidal because of my isolation and the alienation I felt due to having no friends and the bullying I received. I was hospitalized around this time as well. Anyway, back to the internet. I made friends on the internet through lying about my age and creating an alternate identity, and this is when I started becoming addicted to the attention men gave me. I discovered I could use my body to get men to talk to me. I fell in love with a boy online, like for real love...the online world quickly became my real world, but I wasn't prepared for the pain of finding out the boy I was in love with had a girlfriend and was addicted to heroin. I rarely tell people I met my first boyfriend online when I was 13 because they dismiss it as trivial but it really fucked me up as a young teenager. I felt abandoned again...unwanted. And then it just seemed like a curse that every boy I got attached to only wanted me for my body...I was too young to separate love and lust.
It really got worse when I started to meet up with men I met online to have sex after I turned 16. I became addicted to the attention I felt, like I was wanted by somebody if only for a night and it was so easy to get because. It was my secret life...nobody knew. I had sex with a lot of men, some were much much older than me, I don't remember some of their names and I couldn't tell you the number, but all I know is that I got chlamydia when I was still in high school and a horrible self-worth. I tried to kill myself again because I thought I would never mean anything to anyone beyond them wanting to fuck me. I chopped off all my hair, cut my wrists, and when I went into school the next day the agoraphobia started. I felt like everyone was looking at me, judging me, like they all knew I tried to kill myself and when someone laughed I thought they were laughing at me...I had panic attack after panic attack until my parents had to take me out of school for several months so I can talk to ANOTHER therapist and take ANOTHER new med. I had nobody to talk to...my parents are Eastern European immigrants who are absolutely lovely but they have no understanding of mental illness and have a certain kind of Slavic unemotional, super Catholic thing that made me, an atheist, find it very hard to talk to them. My mom would force me to go to church to try and pray the mental illness away. I have a sister who is ten years older than I am and she was the golden child, she was popular and on the road to becoming a doctor and when I tried to connect with her she told me I was just acting depressed to get attention. We never had a close relationship.
In high school I also had a boyfriend who tried to kill himself in front of me and it still fucks me up to this day and makes me feel inadequate and fills me with terror when someone I care about talks about being extremely sad. I also met and had an extended sexual relationship with the man who would eventually sexually assault me when I tried to end that toxic relationship in which I served as his mistress...to think at one point I would have done anything for him to be my boyfriend. I had another episode of agoraphobia in senior year which caused me to miss most of it.

I'm in college now. I'm in and out of therapy but I'm on a combination of medication that is really helping me. It's still a daily struggle, but I'm more comfortable in realizing that I'm an introvert and it's OK. I am leaps and bounds better than I was a couple of years ago, but I still have things I need to work on. I am not as promiscuous anymore, but it's difficult for me to form relationships because of my abandonment issues and low self-worth...I think that when a guy doesn't want to be my boyfriend it's because I'm too chubby or I'm too boring (I've always been very mature for my age) and I tend to freak people out when I text or call them having a panic attack and begging not to leave me. I still don't have many friends, but I have a couple at least. I spend my time alone studying history, which I love. I also write poetry...maybe I'll share some on here some day. Another thing I struggle with a lot these days is misanthropy. I really am jaded and bitter from my experiences (I'm not proud of this) and I tend to feel alienated from society because I despise people that I don't even know. I have a generally negative view on humanity, I think most people are selfish and hurtful and judgemental. I wish I didn't, because these views generally lead to a lot of depression and anxiety.
Things are better now, though. I'm just taking it one step at a time. I've found beauty in the little things like the beach in winter or my dog or my favorite music. I know I don't need people to be happy, but ever since I was in middle school all I ever wanted was one person who I could completely share my life with and love and who loved me back (unrequited love is my middle name)...I feel a lot of shame as a feminist for feeling like I need a man to complete me, but I just want to be in a normal healthy relationship someday that isn't toxic.

Ok...so I can go on about this forever but I won't. I guess that's my story in a nutshell...I rambled a lot and I probably missed some things but yeah! I hope I can find a warm place here while I listen to the wonderful podcast. :)

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I am glad you have a dog that gives you time together that makes you feel some relief. Please take care, all the best, keep the lines of communication open, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

Hi History Geek!

I love history too. It's a pleasure to e-meet you and right off the bat I want you to know I hear you, I accept you and offer you young woman (I'm almost 46 so I get to say that) a huge hug, a few of my tears of empathy and a big HOLY SHIT you've been through a lot already. About the misanthropy, any person who has been through what you already have, would feel jaded. I am not bipolar (yet) but my mom is (hence the yet lol) but I do have PTSD, anxiety and battle a bunch of things plus my own "rich" history. I was abused in many ways by many people and part of what I've learned is you can't play the comparison game. Pain is pain is pain. It sounds like at some point people have been dismissive about the online boyfriend at 13 and other experiences which is complete bullshit! You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry your cry for understanding and support was met with condescending responses.

I am really happy to hear you are on some meds that are helping and are sticking with counseling. Is there maybe a student support group on campus where you could talk to other bipolar students? I think it might be a great source for support and maybe you might make a friend that can empathize more. I like you was somewhat jaded and had a lot of trouble relating to my peers in my teens and 20s. I had already lived a lifetime of crap compared to most of them which made it really tough to connect without feeling like I was pretending to be normal and they were pretending to understand what I had been through. Until my 30s most of my friends were adults 5-10 years older than me.

Most of all though I want you to know it will get better. I'm not gonna tell you "oh you're young, stop worrying, your whole life is ahead of you." What I will tell you is you are so far ahead of the game by already being in treatment and as a 46 year old with some similar history there is no reason you will not go on to live the life you want, have the relationship you want and be a good parent if that's your wish. You are acquiring all of the tools you need to have that.

I know how hard it is to be patient and do the work and just focus on yourself especially when it's hard to make friends or date right now. But your peers have some catching up to do in order to truly get you unless you find some with shared experiences. I did not meet my husband until I was 28. It was sheer luck in some cases that I did not marry any of the parade of dysfunctional men I thought I had to accept because who would want mentally, physically and sexually broken me? I wish I had been told, "focus on you" the friends and the boyfriends will show up when it's good timing. The more you focus on you the more you will attract more goodness into your life. If I've learned anything I've learned that one thing and seen it over and over in others.

You're gonna be ok girl, I promise, keep reaching out, while looking in. I don't have answers but I do have compassion and the years have taught me it's safe to hope.

Heartfelt hugs,

How wonderful you are so aware of and able to articulate who you are, what you have gone through and it sounds like you are really good at thinking back and putting things and experiences into perspective. You sound like you have come a long way already and I am happy you have found meds to assist. I give you a lot of credit for sharing.

I read every word of your story. Glad you are here.

Where this poetry you promised? I'll read it!