Wishing I didn't care what others thought

[Pariah]

When I was 4 my father died suddenly and changed the course of my family's life forever. We moved to Utah where we were raised by my mother as non- Mormons in a Mormon town (ie outsiders). Mom was emotionally stunted, verbally abusive, and would rage at us after coming home from work because we left our school books on the stairs. Silence was our family's response to suffering and conflict. We would just pretend it didn't happen. We had our good times of course and were cared for physically, for the most part, if not emotionally. There was hitting, pinching, door slamming, screaming and belittling. Nevertheless, I had friends, Mormon and non-Mormon alike, a good education, and ballet lessons. Relatives abounded, which provided a modicum of support for us. My mother's resentment, probable depression, controlling behavior and criticizing gradually lead me to feel that I could count on no one but myself. In my teens, I became independent, withdrawn, and felt like no one cared that I was dying inside. The most my mother did to help me was leave a note (no talking, mind you) with the phone number of a therapist. I couldn't make the call and didn't know about insurance or how to pay because I was just a kid. It felt like she was saying it was my problem that had nothing to do with her; I felt abandoned. After high school it only became worse. Living with her was so upsetting that I chose to move in with my then boyfriend who was an alcoholic but at least I could find solace in him. Eventually, I left Utah to distance and protect myself, and have some adventures too. Leaving Utah was a shock in that people in Colorado were less friendly and trusting. Suddenly, people were treating me as though I were up to no good and couldn't fathom my innocent intentions. It felt like an accusation and condemnation of my character: suddenly I was "bad" it seemed. It hurt me emotionally and financially. My "family" punished me for leaving Utah by gradually losing interest (I wasn't famous enough. I wasn't a foodie or a musician, so who cares?), by choosing not to use social media to stay in touch (they clique-ishly just talked to each other on Facebook!), by not coming to my wedding, by attempting to exclude me from family reunions, by ignoring me at parties, by talking behind my back, by criticizing me for being sad or shy, essentially. My so-called best friend decided I was too depressing to talk to so she started leaving town whenever I came to Utah or would come to Colorado but not look me up. Betrayal was everywhere and I couldn't understand why. Maybe I AM a bad person and I just didn't know it!

I've struggled with depression, anger, and social phobia for 24+ years, sometimes unable to hide it and other times not wanting to, hoping my cries for help will be answered. I chose the username Pariah because I feel like an outsider and universally hated. It seems like wherever I go and whomever I meet, I am bound to find someone who rejects me, scolds me, talks down to me, or misunderstands my shyness and lack of eye contact as intentional rudeness. My fear of people is such that I pretend that everything is hunky dory but truthfully I cannot think nor express a sincere feeling around most people. Most find me dull or dim simply because I am too scared to think. Leaving the house requires caffeine to force extroversion and an emotional check-in to make sure I am unlikely to become upset by a minor set-back. If the mood is wrong, I stay home for my mental well-being and for the safety of others. Once I go out, I come home within 2 hours to kept the stress levels low. I have not worked in 9 months because I fear letting people down by not being reliable, or on time (not a morning person); I fear my mind becoming blank when I am nervous or socially exhausted; I fear being seen as a jerk just for being me. The last job ended with me quitting in a rage because of abusive co-workers: It brought back childhood memories that no HR intervention could help with. I fear I am unemployable and it worsens each year as I age and with each negative experience I have. I have many relatives and yet no family. In the eyes of my relatives, who seem to have very low EQ's, the cries for help only made me appear weird or a jerk. They either ignore me or criticize me for saying how I feel to anyone who will listen because I am just an embarrassment to them. They wish I would go away, so I have. In order to protect myself from their control and their judgement, I look elsewhere for love. Thank goodness for my sweet husband who understands what makes me tick and has hope for my improvement. Frustrated by my inability to find a therapist who can truly help, I give up trying for months at a time. My visit to this forum is part of my renewed attempt to try fixing this again.

[Fargin]

Welcome to the pod Pariah,

Growing up under such conditions, caring more about what others think of you, instead of caring for your own feelings makes sense.
But if you're constantly being judged or rejected, you might begin to judge and reject yourself in order to protect yourself too.

When I try to not judge myself, other people's opinion seems becomes less important, but when I'm around toxic people, it's hard not to. I've kept distance to my parents for that reason for a long time, but now I've begun approaching them again, I have to be careful not to allow their negativity to influence me, bring me down and make me second guess my own thoughts and emotions. When I see them now(not very often), my guard comes up and that usually don't have a good effect on me for extended periods of time.

My visit to this forum is part of my renewed attempt to try fixing this again.

If I can tell you, you can do it, maybe I can tell myself, I can do it too.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Pariah, welcome to our little forum! Please make yourself at home in the threads and topics here!

Forum tips: You can keep up with all activity on the forum by clicking “View active topics” under the main Board index. And when you post, you can subscribe to the replies by clicking on “Subscribe topic” at the bottom of the page – this also allows you to subscribe to new replies of any topic that interests you.

I read your post and I honor your pain. You don't deserve to feel like an outsider. You are not alone, and you are good and worthwhile. Please take care, keep the lines of communication open, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!