don't know where to even start...
Posted: April 4th, 2015, 3:52 am
I'm Annie and I'm 16. I've been diagnosed with major depression, ocd, ptsd, panic disorder, ednos, social anxiety and depersonalisation disorder, in short I'm a bit insane at the moment. My life has been one big roller coaster, I've been kicked down again and again right when I'm getting up. My family is a mess. My father is psychotic and manipulative and my mother drinks and smokes like a chimney to drown it out. At the moment I've reached rock bottom, I was hospitalised by a psychiatrist who didn't know what they were doing resulting in me locked in an adult psych ward for 6 hours before my parents rescued me. This psychiatrist has since refused to treat me because she felt 'bad' after putting me in there unnecessarily and felt we didn't 'fit'. I have had so many horrible experiences in my life I keep my mind constantly busy with little obsessions so I don't remember.
I grew up overseas and came back to one of the most crime ridden areas in Australia at 11, this caused me to be bullied severely and violently. I've always had eating disorders, at 13 I was anorexic and became so thin until I turned 15 when I was put on so many anti depressants I slept for months and gained 10kgs a week. Now I battle binge eating and have gone from anorexic to morbidly obese. The thing is people wanted to help me when I was anorexic now they just think I eat too much and are just lazy. No one understands what I have gone through in my life. It sounds pathetic because I'm so young but so far everything has been too much.
My parents have both battled alcoholism and my brother is a drug user and dealer. My father has a powerful job and he makes a fortune but has such severe ocd about money that we have never seen any of it. We always lived in places with a lot of unemployment and drug addicted people even though he was earning a high income. At the moment I feel like screaming and punching till I'm blue in the face, I feel like yelling at the top of my lungs and causing a scene instead I put on a brave face, swallow hard and pretend it's perfect. But inside I feel like jumping in front of a train, at least someone would think about me for a second. The worst part is my life has been so hard ever since I could remember and I feel like what's the odds of it getting any better if it's been this bad so far.
I go to school at a university and am in the top 2% of academic achievement, I've always been considered gifted and been put in advanced classes but I think all that's done is added to the pressure I put on myself. It's funny that I can do all this stuff at school but can't even talk to the teachers without having a panic attack. I've never had any friends, I've never been able to relate to any of my peers. I see kids at school with boyfriends, a social life and parties while I go home to my parents screaming at each other. I feel like I've been abused by everyone and no one has had to pay. I'm the one who was locked up and drugged while all those people are enjoying their teenage years, the best years of their lives! Even my brother who is an abusive criminal walks through life unburdened.
I just don't know anymore. I'm not upset or crying. I'm just numb.
I feel like my mind has snapped and I don't know where to turn now, I've only got myself to count on but sometimes that burden is too much. That's why I joined this forum because I listen to the podcast and I makes me feel something. Sorry that this is a real downer of an introduction but I felt this is what I needed to say tonight because I have no one else to talk to.
I grew up overseas and came back to one of the most crime ridden areas in Australia at 11, this caused me to be bullied severely and violently. I've always had eating disorders, at 13 I was anorexic and became so thin until I turned 15 when I was put on so many anti depressants I slept for months and gained 10kgs a week. Now I battle binge eating and have gone from anorexic to morbidly obese. The thing is people wanted to help me when I was anorexic now they just think I eat too much and are just lazy. No one understands what I have gone through in my life. It sounds pathetic because I'm so young but so far everything has been too much.
My parents have both battled alcoholism and my brother is a drug user and dealer. My father has a powerful job and he makes a fortune but has such severe ocd about money that we have never seen any of it. We always lived in places with a lot of unemployment and drug addicted people even though he was earning a high income. At the moment I feel like screaming and punching till I'm blue in the face, I feel like yelling at the top of my lungs and causing a scene instead I put on a brave face, swallow hard and pretend it's perfect. But inside I feel like jumping in front of a train, at least someone would think about me for a second. The worst part is my life has been so hard ever since I could remember and I feel like what's the odds of it getting any better if it's been this bad so far.
I go to school at a university and am in the top 2% of academic achievement, I've always been considered gifted and been put in advanced classes but I think all that's done is added to the pressure I put on myself. It's funny that I can do all this stuff at school but can't even talk to the teachers without having a panic attack. I've never had any friends, I've never been able to relate to any of my peers. I see kids at school with boyfriends, a social life and parties while I go home to my parents screaming at each other. I feel like I've been abused by everyone and no one has had to pay. I'm the one who was locked up and drugged while all those people are enjoying their teenage years, the best years of their lives! Even my brother who is an abusive criminal walks through life unburdened.
I just don't know anymore. I'm not upset or crying. I'm just numb.
I feel like my mind has snapped and I don't know where to turn now, I've only got myself to count on but sometimes that burden is too much. That's why I joined this forum because I listen to the podcast and I makes me feel something. Sorry that this is a real downer of an introduction but I felt this is what I needed to say tonight because I have no one else to talk to.