YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hello,

I want to start by thanking Paul and everyone behind the scenes with making this podcast and forum available. I just discovered it a couple of weeks ago and it has been such a relief to listen to people expressing feelings and thoughts that often mirror my own.

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago in my mid-40s with depression and anxiety disorder. In the meantime, I have come to realize I have been living with anxiety and, to some degrees, depression since childhood.

The year following the breakdown that led to my diagnosis was a tough one and I'm still freaking with the aftershocks of it. In the space of that year I lost two separate corporate jobs and my marriage of 12 years also came to an end. Maybe that's why I decided to year my life as a clean slate and begin a new career in comedy at this comparatively late stage in life.

In all of the career and marriage transition of the past year I have mostly managed my depression and anxiety by channeling it into my writing, but I haven't really taken the time to explore or deal with the reality of what is happening or how I got here.

But, it is time to start getting serious about taking care of myself. In these past few weeks when my anxiety increased and I found myself less and less likely to leave my room or the house for anything other than an open mic or show, I knew I needed to start making steps to understand myself better and to work on myself in a serious way. After some search engine work, from the safety of my room/cocoon naturally, I discovered the podcast.

I have begun listening in earnest to the earliest episodes. In each of the first three alone I had serious a-ha moments, when I recognized my current or past life in topics being discussed. It was such a relief to suddenly hear other people so perfectly describe what my own thought processes are like. While I knew already in an abstract way that I was not alone, I don't know if I really believed it until I started listening here.

I am tired of anxiety ruling my life. I am tired of self-sabotage in my personal and professional life, and of feeling like a fraud in my work. I am tired of pretending food isn't my preferred form of self medication. I am tired of always fantasizing about suicide.

I'm ready to start a new chapter in my life. Thank you for the inspiration to get started.

Hi, i really feel for you. You must be emotionally exhausted! You seem to have an air of optimism and hopefulness about the future, and that is a good sign, right? I relate to being tired of self sabotage..feeling like a fraud...and your relationship with food. Myself I always feel I'm being insincere, but if I am I'm unaware of it...at least I think I am. I forget who was the comedian who said "Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made." I feel like I'm trying to fool everybody into liking me, and the reason they don't like me is because they know I'm trying to fool them. Hmm Although I get the sense from your message that you are a comic, and previously you did corporate work so do you feel like a fraud in your work because you aren't yet comfortable doing comedy? If that's the case I'd give yourself a pat on the back for choosing to do something your passionate about, because that takes a lot of courage.

Self sabotage, food issues....it reminds me of a scene from the movie "Raging Bull" when De Niro is in the jail cell punching the wall and sobbing "Dummy! Dummy! Dummy! Why! Why Why! Why'd you do it. You're so stupid! You're so stupid! They called me an animal, I'm not an animal. I'm not that bad a guy I'm not that bad. "

That's me in a nutshell.

I'm glad that you found the show. I has been an incredible resource for me.

Keep smiling

Hello EagleBend, Steadyeddy, welcome to our little forum.

It is so cool how you have dived in, Steadyeddy, and answered new posts!

Forum tips: You can keep up with all activity on the forum by clicking “View active topics” under the main Board index. And when you post, you can subscribe to the replies by clicking on “Subscribe topic” at the bottom of the page – you can also use this functionality to subscribe to new replies of any topic that interests you.

All the best, cheers, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

Thank you manuel_moe_g.

That is a nifty trick, the "view active posts" button. I'm a long time listener, only just now have the courage to interact. There are sure a lot of great people in the community. It feels good to be a part of it.

Thank you.

Thanks, SteadyEddy. I am exhausted as you say, but starting to get a better footing. I try to also stay optimistic about things but that's a day-to-day battle of its own.

I've been listening to a lot of the very early episodes and really gaining an appreciation of the work ahead for me.

That is saying a lot! I remember when it first hit me the work I had ahead of me. I thought the way I felt had to be a symptom of a brain tumor- there just couldn't be any other explanation- so I went to a neurologist who told me there was no tumor, it was all mental and i needed therapy. It was the heaviest diagnosis I've ever gotten. I felt a terrible gravity on my shoulders because all the hard work was on me, it couldn't be removed by a simple surgery. That's pretty raw that feeling, with no silver lining to it, and we have to find it ourselves. We have to wander through the forest in the dark grasping at the horrors just hoping we chance to grab onto something helpful to make us feel better. It can be real lonely but I think in the long run having the appreciation for our mental burdens builds character...though it's impossible to see while we're going through hell.

Anyway I can tell you're a really good guy, you deserve great things my friend.

Steadyeddy wrote:We have to wander through the forest in the dark grasping at the horrors just hoping we chance to grab onto something helpful to make us feel better.

Good way of putting it.