YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

So I recently discovered Paul's podcast and listen to it daily trying to catch up. I mostly listen to the top 10 rated ones, but will probably go back later and listen to others.

My story probably is similar to a lot of people. I grew up in a verbally abusive family (Mother, in particular). I think my mother is a narcissist, has histrionic personality disorder or something similar. ANyway, she was always very critical of me and all she did was yell when I was growing up. That led to the whole "perfectionist" personality, feeling not "good enough", self esteem and confidence issues, etc. As a result, I've been in therapy off and on for over 20 years. Its helped some, but certainly not enough.

Six years ago my life changed forever when my then wife left and filed for divorce. We had been married only 3 years, but together for 7. I was devastated. I was also unemployed and suicidal. Didn't matter to her. She was done. I think I could have killed myself and nobody would have been at my funeral. I lost nearly all my friends in a matter of months. I remained unemployed (mostly) for 2 of the next 3 years. I was stuck in a house with memories and losing money on it. Finally, I lucked out and got a job halfway across the country in Oklahoma (of all places) and moved at the end of 2012. Since then its been good professionally, but personally it sucks. Its hard to make friends here and very hard to find a woman t settle down with. I'm also a shy introvert with no confidence to approach women. But I'm now 46 and still want kids. I guess I should let that dream go. Life hasn't gone anywhere near the way I'd hoped. My therapist says I'm mildly depressed (dysthymia) and probably have been for the last 2.5 years. Thats an upgrade from the 3 year severe depression I was in before leaving Atlanta.

But I also have a history of depression, just nothing like 2009-2012 was. I'm not on medication at all except occasional anxiety med which helps my insomnia. Friends don't understand why I can'y meet someone here (I'm told all the time what a "catch" I am because of my self awareness, willingness to improve, looks, honesty, career, or whatever), but the truth is there aren't many single women in their 30's here, and the ones who are here typically have 2-3 kids and don't want more or don't want to date a 46 year old man (despite me looking a lot younger). I stay in shape, have a good career, and have recovered from my divorce, with the exception of losing the chance at having a family. I'm beyond frustrated now and feel like I'm wasting my life, despite having a pretty good life vs. 3 years ago. I can't just pick up and move because I have a great job and its hard to find this type of job in my industry (hence the 2 straight years of unemployment in the recession). Thats my story.

Hello Atlguy39, welcome to our little forum. Make yourself at home in the threads and topics here!

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I am glad to read that you left the worst depression behind you. I read your whole post, and I honor your sense of pain. Please take care, all the best, you are not alone, keep the lines of communication open, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

Thank you, Manuel. I appreciate you taking the time to read all that. It seemed a little long winded after I wrote it.

I don't know if Paul reads these, but I really am enjoying his podcasts. They've helped me just realize my issues are not all that uncommon, specifically mother issues, but also depression in general, issues with women, etc.

I am new to the forums so I've been going through the intros while I think about how to introduce myself. I saw your post and felt like I was reading an intro post that very well could have been written by me, except was written by a man. I just wanted to pass along that there's hope for love out there. My best friend of 10 years just found love at age 42. She thought it wasn't possible. She was always single and I was always the one in a relationship so now I look to her happiness as hope that there's love for all of us out there no matter what age.
Good Luck in your journey ATLGUY39!

Thank you, JoJo! Paul had a guest on his show who was like the female version of me, only, fortunately for her she's only 30. Maggie Mull was probably my favorite guest. Anyway, thank you for the encouragement. I could use some right now.

I am Ruby Daubert from US and happy to be the part of this community. Actually I am in search of some writing related blog topics and accidentally find this site. Enjoying here!!

Dear Atlguy39, glad you came here and are listening to the podcast. You know what? you are a catch! so don't give up. I can relate to your story. I ended up not having kids after a divorce too, and I really wanted kids but I'm still glad that I'm alive and frankly, I'm not sure I could have made a good parent with my low self esteem (from my upbringing). I think I could now. For men, it's easier to meet someone when you're a bit older and start a family, so don't give up if that is what you want. Take care, Cheryl

Yeah, I grew up with my parents being super strict and developed perfectionism, feeling like a loser and that my feelings/opinions don't matter. I'm glad you have stuck to therapy for 20 years. I'm sorry to hear that your divorce had such terrible impact on you... It's great that you got a job, but it must feel pretty lonely in Oklahoma with no friends or girlfriend... But I don't think you should let your dreams of having kids go. You're a man, you can have kids until you're 90! (jealous )

Have you ever thought about meeting people online? Nowadays, it's not like it used to. Everybody is meeting people online and as long as you are honest, I think you will find someone who you can be friends with and possibly date. If I ever get divorced, I'm fully planning on going online and meeting people. It's just more efficient, and you don't need to keep it within Oklahoma, you can meet people anywhere and have an online friendship and go see them if you want. When you have the "I'm looking for a serious relationship" goggles, it's hard to find someone, but why not just go out there looking to meet new people and creating friendships?

Thank you, Brooke. It is really tough living here, and I'm trying to move. I have to be very careful with the job seearch, as I work for a great company, and don't want to jeopardize my position. But I just can't stay here under these conditions, which is only being focused on career and not having anything else. It scares me because if I lost my job, I would quickly become very depressed, which for me is dangerous after what I lived through '09-'12. I don't know if I'd had the strength without any support whatsoever. I feel like a failure in my personal life and only a marginal success professionally. And if I don't have kids in the next couple of years, I won't have them. Can't imagine being that old of a father. That fact makes me sad.

Online dating is an absolute nightmare. Don't kid yourself about that. I thought it would be so easy post divorce to meet someone online because I dated regularly from my early 20's on. But times changed. I was older. Its also much easier for women! Anyway, 30 something year old women (my target for a variety of reasons, mainly to have a family) no longer want me just because of my age. I have all my hair and in shape, told I look young. It doesn't matter. That and location are just killing my shot at having the future I wanted. Sorry this is so negative, but this is how I feel about it and its my reality now.