YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

I'm trying to be positive and work on me but past relationships are still hurting me and I can't seem to get rid of them.

On top of that I'm weening myself off celexa and just lost my unemployment

Then last night happened

I've always been pretty uncomfortable around men. I had 1 serious boyfriend and it lasted 6 years but love and affection died off after the first 3.

After that I was raped and stranded in a strange city and had a series of one night stands very few and far between but no one who wanted to date. Which was honestly fine! I always felt that I dated because society said I should want to.

I recently got out of a very long term on and off again relationship. I went out with someone else for a few months in our circle of friends and it ended badly. Over a year later he started accusing me of harassment.... Out of the blue.

So I hung out with the ex we were trying to be friends. He said he felt bad about all the problems we had then told me after 1 drink that he went out with A girl who he pined after for over a year he was waiting for me to get at the house to go out with her and she is the one that cleans she didn't have any feelings for him... Then he proceeds to tell me that The man who is accusing me of harassment told him that He always thought I was a creepy weirdo going down the highway 90 miles an hour in the wrong direction and he had his "reasons" for fucking me. He denies any kind of affection or anything loving he has ever said to me. So I would really like people to try to convince me that guys are great and they do like me and I should give them a chance because I'm not seeing it and is just reiterating that I'm not dating men anymore

So I would really like people to try to convince me that guys are great and they do like me and I should give them a chance because I'm not seeing it and is just reiterating that I'm not dating men anymore

Some guys are great, but it seems to me the problem isn't that there are idiots and assholes out there, but that you are prone to let them into your life. Consider that the one recurring element in all your failed relationships is you. It's a bitter pill to swallow, because we usually think that what we want is congruent with what is good and nurturing for us. But that isn't necessarily the case. If you grew up in an abuse environment, you may be prone to take bad people into your life and possibly even actively reject better ones. We often choose the familiar over the new, even if the familiar is just a repetition of the same abusive shit we went through in our families.

So, yeah there are some great guys out there. The question is, if you come across one, will you recognize him? Will you feel attracted to him?

I'm asking these question because I'm asking myself these things right now. I've always had a tendency to engage in abusive relationship patterns. Even with the better people whom I let into my life, I always "twisted" the relationship as much as possible to make it so I could feel victimized. I always rejected people of both genders who appeared too "healthy", too normal, too good for me.

So that's the bigger danger imho. Not that there aren't good guys out there who want a relationship with you, but that you may have a similar tendency to not even let those good people near you.

No to be honest that's not me. I've had trouble making friends because I was very sheltered due to health issues and was never asked out until my first boyfriend asked me out at age 22 he was a good guy and it lasted a long time!!!

My radar on who is good and bad has gotten a lot better since my 20's and my last ex who evidentially hated me since day one hid it really well!! I let good people in as friends but no more relationships. I'm not asked out so I cannot reject them! I'm not feeling safe enough to ask anyone out... I'd rather be single always than get hurt again.

I'd rather be single always than get hurt again.

Fair enough. I just responded to what you wrote in your original post:

So I would really like people to try to convince me that guys are great and they do like me and I should give them a chance

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry that you were raped...!! And I support your feelings of not wanting to date, and we should NEVER do something just because society says so!! There is nothing wrong with being single. Happiness is the most important and if you feel more comfortable staying single, please do so! And please stay away from the loser who is harassing you... And if your ex is passing onto you some of these hurtful remarks, than I would stay away from him if I were you so I can be happy and not dragged down in this negativity...

I don't know why you need any convincing that "guys are great and that you should date them." From your experience, guys suck and until you organically happen to run into someone who is awesome, then why go looking for them? Yeah, there are guys out there that deserve your love and affection, but your happiness is the most important thing! Most guys are blah until you find the one that is wonderful. I hope you can focus on your happiness rather than going out and looking for guys who don't treat you well.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with single for how many years you want to be. I think once you are making yourself happy and just focusing on that, you will attract a guy who is well-deserving of your love. F--- societal rules!