YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi,

I live in the PNW, I'm a 45 yr old female, never married, no 2 legged kids but I do have 3 4 legged ones that keep me going. I have a narcissistic mother that has colored my life. I've listened to all of Paul's podcasts and continue to do so and find solace for that hour when it's happening. I just recently switched from one anti depressive med to another, and I'm still feeling weird and uncomfortable. I was in the ER last week due to a cutting incident gone wrong. I have a therapist, she knows most of my stuff. I'm just trying to find a community here. I live in a small town where support groups aren't happening, and I don't have a vehicle to get to any meetings out of town. I know we are all smart and capable, empathetic humans. I hope to meet some of you. - Julie

Hey there, Julie!

Not sure if I'm exactly the right person, but I always feel like responding to as-yet unanswered threads, especially in the Introduce Yourself subforum. Although, narcissistic mother is something I can actually relate to (lol'd @ "colored my life").

Since you wrote that you're trying to find a community here, I wondered what your social situation is offline. Do you have a partner/family/friends, people you can personally talk to without getting drained by them? Or are you doing what I sometimes do, which is to talk to my empty apartment, occasionally punching and stabbing the air when my love for my parents overwhelms me. Or perhaps not exactly love. What's the word for when you feel like waterboarding someone? Just kidding.

Anyway, do you have cats or dogs?

find solace for that hour when it's happening

I think I know what you're talking about, but I'd like to know more about what you mean by "it". Like, do you mean those joyful moments when there's no future, no meaning, just anxiety and loneliness and the walls of life are getting ever closer ever faster while you're hurtling into that corner of spacetime where there's nothing but diapers and funerals? (I know, I'm a ray of sunshine.)

I've never taken any meds (other than my addictions). What are the side effects, if any? Or why did you switch meds?

in the ER last week due to a cutting incident gone wrong

That, to me, sounds a bit like the term "sexual child abuse", where I always wonder what correct "sexual child use" might look like. I mean, what's a cutting incident gone "right"? And where do you cut yourself? At what age did you start?

Sorry if those questions are too personal or otherwise uncomfortable, feel free to ignore my curiosity. It's just that my own self-harming behavior has always had a much more "subdued" tone to it. I self-sabotage more along the lines of Self-defeating personality disorder. Cutting would be much too "obvious" for me. Like, I'd have to admit that the problem is on my end, and that I'm not actually the only sane person in an insane world or something. For that reason, overt self-harm especially of the physical variety has always kind of fascinated me because I could never do it.

Hi

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go to ER due to a cutting incident...it must have been tough going through that. I hope you had friends or a friend around to be there for you... I also live in a place where there are no communities around, so this is where I turn to for comfort and honesty. I've been to ERs in the past due to excess stress and panic attacks in the past. It's really scary and the potential of hospitalization scares the crap out of me since I also have fibromyalgia and the pain would get much worse being on a bed all day without my stretches and exercises. I was in the hospital for a few days a few years ago due to a minor surgery and it still haunts me to this day. My main source of panic attacks are the fear of being in the hospital when I'm old and sick.

I also don't have kids and due to my depression, I'm not interacting with the social world out there, so I feel very alone. When you have mental issues, it's very hard to act "normal" and interact with your friends. I know I'm isolating myself, but acting social is what gave me severe stress (which put me in the ER), so I'm choosing to be alone for now and concentrate on my recovery.

I hope you start to feel better with your new meds. You can be honest here and get the comfort/relief you are looking for. That's therapeutic on it's own.