Relationships possible with depression?

[Layla]

I am a 30 year old woman who struggles with depression and anxiety. I have stability in my career and I have a few pretty solid friendships and some acquaintances. At times, I feel as if I have a double life, as I try to mask my depression to many of those around me. I find it a struggle to successfully do that of course in closer friendships and of course intimate relationships. I worry that perhaps I am not cut out for such intimacy, even though those around me disagree and seem to think I could have a fulfilling relationship with the right partner. How have you managed to establish and maintain relationships with mental illness?

[manuel_moe_g]

In my treatment, I would discover the rational, logical way to approach things. And then I would cheer myself on to do the rational, logical thing with regards to a relationship, even though that was in conflict with my disease. My depression and anxiety made me very, very risk adverse when it came to dating. So I would cheer myself on to take risks in dating, even though it felt very unnatural.

[Brooke]

I understand the double life struggles. In my case, only my husband and my parents know of this. With social friends and acquaintances, I would act the exact opposite of who I am on a daily basis. I have depression, anxiety and panic attacks. But it gets really tiring and stressful trying to act overly friendly. My social stress would actually put me in hospitals because the stress turned into physical gastro symptoms. So I've quit leading the double life until my mental state gets better.

In your case, you seem stable enough to hold down a good job and have quality friends. That's awesome. If your friends are telling you that you have the potential to have a fulfilling life with a partner, I think that you do. Sometimes we can't see our potential because of our disease. But I do agree that being in an intimate relationship, you have to be real. And it can be done over time. In my case, I had full blown depression, but didn't realize it (or maybe in my subconscious mind, I didn't want to believe it) so I never came out to my husband with "I have depression." But I would "get depressed" often. Maybe you can slowly start with telling them how you feel, rather than come out with a statement of "the disease." Recently, I am able to name my disease and when I told my husband, he already knew. So even if you don't down right tell them, people around you can sense that there's something going on. And if they love you, they will stick around and accept you for who you are.

[Layla]

Thank you for the kind posts. It's tough to come out and express to someone that I feel depressed or anxious with just about anyone, especially prospective romantic partners. I'm just afraid that I won't be able to find someone who will accept me or unconditional love. I have a history of clinical depression and anxiety that has made it difficult at times for me to function healthily. I have had psychiatric hospitalizations, briefly have spent a few days in a psychiatric unit, and I used to self-injure, etc. I experience shame over my depression in relationships (more with certain partners than others). Once, a partner told me I couldn't be in a relationship because I have depression (this was after a traumatic event and he wasn't supportive). It took me some time to move past that hurt. In my most recent relationship (having ended in April), my partner initiated the end due to the conflicts we experienced due to us both struggling with depression and anxiety. To be more specific, he took some of his irritability out on me (nothing abusive) and snapped at me often towards the end, degrading my self-esteem further. Indeed, there were other issues that would have resulted in an eventual parting.

At the risk of sounding judgmental, very close friends and family members have identified a pattern among my three intimate relationships... That each were "selfish" in some way (that is, not even with big stuff like being emotionally supportive but seemingly effortless tasks) and did not have self-sufficiency. These words are indeed harsh, but I interpret it as their way of saying that there are other people out there who are different than my ex-partners and could be much more emotionally supportive.

I like the idea of finding a partner who has struggled with the same issues as I have and could empathize with me, but is also loving, and will listen to me instead of tuning me out, or hinting that I have some sort of intolerable baggage, or that I have to prove myself as a partner by pretending to be happy. I don't want to have a partner who is there just for the fun parts, but is there for me through the good and bad stuff. Am I being unrealistic and idealistic? Please be honest.

What are others' experiences in relationships, having struggled with mental illness? Was it easy to find a partner who is loving and accepting?

[Layla]

Also, I live in NYC where the dating scene is notoriously awful...not that I want to date right now. It just doesn't help matters.

[Brooke]

I understand that it's hard to come right out to a person whom you have romantic interests towards. I also have a host of issues, like panic attacks, fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, to name a few. But we are more than our illnesses. I find that it's better to be vulnerable with people we feel like we can trust. It makes the relationship stronger. Being vulnerable is actually freeing. It's hard for me to do this too and it's still a process, but we are all human beings with our own fears and insecurities. When we have mental illness, it's hard to see others as people who have their own struggles. It's like us verses the "normal" people. And we fear of being judged. I struggle with this, too. I wish that I was strong enough to be vulnerable to people. I think they are more sympathetic than we realize. If we can open our hearts, we would be able to connect with others more and feel less alone.

But the risk of rejection keeps us from opening up. Because we feel like we can't and won't be able to handle it. I probably won't. Even the tiny bit of rejection from others puts me in a panic attack. I feel like no one cares. I just had an incident yesterday and I'm still taking anxiety pills today because I just can't handle it. I wish I can be more vulnerable and communicate my feelings freely without being scared. I feel like people would be much more caring if they knew how much we were suffering.

About the shame you feel about your depression, I think it's really important do the work on ourselves to be more accepting of our illnesses. If we don't accept ourselves, then who will...? This is something I am working on myself. I've come to realize that *I* need to give myself what I truly need. I need to love and accept myself and be there for myself more than anybody. No one can do a better job than me. That's the first and the most important step I need to take.

I feel like if you take the step to love and accept yourself, you won't let other people in your life that can't accept and love you. I feel like we attract our mirror selves, if you don't accept yourself, than you're going to choose someone who can't accept yourself. I know it's a blanket statement, but ultimately, wouldn't it feel better to accept and love yourself and be single for a while rather than to have someone in your life that rejects you...? The way you treat yourself comes out and people sense that. I'm in no way saying that what your ex said or did was your fault. I just want you to be happy with who you are. I want that for me, too.

I think you will start attracting people who really love you once you start to love and accept yourself. Yeah, you shouldn't have to fake being happy in order to get a partner. That's not a genuine relationship. There will be someone out there who love you for who you are, regardless of your mental illnesses. We are all more than our illnesses.

[Layla]

Brooke, that is well-stated. I'm not seeking out a relationship any time soon. I am aware that I haven't been making the greatest choices for me in terms of relationships, as I reflect. It's important to be more comfortable with myself - not just for the good in me, but also the not so good (and I never thought about it this way - that I would need to accept all in me instead of trying perpetually to change myself to better fit a career, partner, friends, whatever). Chances are, I may always have bouts of depression in my life. Also, everyone has stuff they struggle with. Why not focus on myself, and if someone who could be the right partner comes along, then that's great. I'm also open to the alternative possibility that that may not happen, and I'm working on being okay with that, too.

[meh]

Hi Layla -

It's good that you are self-aware enough to know what you want. I know it's tough. I was dealing with depression long before I started treatment for it and looking back on my adult life, I realize that not taking care of myself led me to sabotage every romantic relationship. Especially my marriage.

I once asked an old girlfriend what went wrong and she said that at the time, she really felt that I wasn't happy with myself. The really hard thing - looking back on it now I think she would have been the one partner who would have understood me and given me the space to work on myself. Maybe that's just wishful thinking but ... who knows. I can't live with regret.

It looks very likely that I'll be leaving my wife. If not now, the kids will all be in college in 5 years; I'll definitely be gone by then. I'm at peace with the thought that this is it for me - I blew every chance for a romantic, loving relationship and once I leave here, I'm alone. Maybe I'll have a relationship but the pure, romantic love with someone who understands me and gives me the safe space to get well - that's not going to happen for me.

You're younger than me and it sounds like you are far more self-aware of your needs than I was at your age. You have a shot. I know what you mean about NYC - I've lived here or near NYC all my life. But don't let that intimidate you.

Be strong! You're not alone.

[Layla]

Hi meh,
Thank you for the kind words... I appreciate hearing from your perspective about your experiences, as I have been on your side (on a perhaps superficial level - never married) and have also been with partners who were experiencing depression and maybe some other things.

Well, what is the answer? Is it possible to find someone who will give us the space to grow and heal? Is it possible for us to do the same with someone else?

[rc409]

Of course its possible. Isn't that what everyone , anywhere is doing? Trying to feel better.

No reason in the world you cant have two people, together, on this journey.