YOU ARE NOT ALONE - A companion online community discussion board for The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast with Paul Gilmartin

Hi All,
I'm the daughter of a narcissistic mother and I was diagnosed with BPD about 6 years ago after a failed, but very sincere, suicide attempt. I have been through treatment and have learned how to manage my illness, but I'm just so tired of having to work so hard to be "normal." My weakest moments are when work stress gets to me and I end up fighting with my husband. I feel misunderstood and like nobody will ever be able to give me what I need to be able to let go of the anger and anxiety. My greatest fear is that nothing will ever be enough for me. I crave the intense feelings of love from someone else. However, I know my husband loves me deeply. I just don't feel like it's enough unless it overpowers me. I also hate that he makes me take responsibility for my outbursts, which are few and far between, because all I need at those moments is to feel loved unconditionally, and taking responsibility and talking about it feels like I have to do something to be worthy of his love. Why is this so hard? I'm looking to connect with others who understand the struggles of having BPD.

It is true, you are a person and a soul, not a diagnosis. Please take care, Jennaporter.

This is interesting. I don't think I have full-blown BPD, but having been blessed with two narcissistic parents I guess that there are some traits or habits that commonly appear in Cluster B disorders. At least I can relate to a lot of what you're writing.

I feel misunderstood and like nobody will ever be able to give me what I need to be able to let go of the anger and anxiety.

Yep, I have this too, at least to an extent. In fact I sometimes fantasize about e.g. being accused of some crime, and my closest friends testifying against my character along the lines of "yeah he might have actually done that, I wouldn't put it past him, who knows what he's capable of doing."

I crave the intense feelings of love from someone else.

Yep, this too, although the person must be a suitable object of idealization. I don't crave the love of someone I don't idealize.

I just don't feel like it's enough unless it overpowers me.

Yeah I've thought and talked in therapy about why this might be. My best guess is that the energy has to match the "power divide" between oneself and the narcissistic parents back when we were children. It's like only that level of energy is enough to (at least temporarily) re-align what went wrong back then. From personal experience I know that this feeling never lasts because we're not infants/children anymore and that's why we crave constant repetition of this rather than getting it through our thick adult skulls that we have been loved unconditionally.

all I need at those moments is to feel loved unconditionally, and taking responsibility and talking about it feels like I have to do something to be worthy of his love.

Have you told him that in as many words? Or would you consider that "cheating" which would kind of pre-emptively invalidate the experience?